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Dating your ex-spouse - good or bad?

Discussion in 'Anything goes' started by Double J, Nov 16, 2008.

  1. dooley_womack1

    dooley_womack1 Well-Known Member


     
  2. Killick

    Killick Well-Known Member

    Far from an expert here, or even rising anywhere near (sorta like a blind art critic), but two things stand out to me: You both have remained friendly, which is awfully rare in separated couples in my limited experience, and you haven't gotten the divorce.

    To this untrained eye, it suggests that there's still something there. I'd suggest counseling, but not sure if you should try it individually, initially, or as a couple. I lean toward individual sessions at first, since it sounds like neither of you seem sure a reunion is what you want.

    I may be off, there, DJ, but that's how I see it. Best of luck to you, though.

    Keep us updated, huh?
     
  3. HejiraHenry

    HejiraHenry Well-Known Member

    Agree.
     
  4. SixToe

    SixToe Well-Known Member

    You've remained friendly and have agreed upon the realization things were good but you know some things wedged you apart.

    That's a step. If it continues then counseling IMO would be the way to start over.

    Personally, if my separated spouse was dating anyone but we were not divorced there is no way in hell I would reunite. I would not expect her to reunite with me if I had dated during the separation. But that's just me.

    Best of luck to you.
     
  5. Paper Dragon

    Paper Dragon Member

    It's called reconciling, youngin. Happens all the time. Works if both people are mature and they really want it to work.

    Of course, they may get back into it and realize they made the right decision the first time. That's why I agree with the counseling.
     
  6. Boom_70

    Boom_70 Well-Known Member

    I'd take the advise of Ambrosia:

    Well I keep holdin' on to yesterday
    I keep holdin' on enough to say
    That I'm wrong
    I keep thinkin'that I'm lonely
    But it's only missing you inside
    Days that we were once together
    Seems they'll never come alive
    [ Find more Lyrics at www.mp3lyrics.org/nb9 ]
    So I keep holdin' on to yesterday
    I keep holdin' on enough to say
    That it's wrong
    Lord I don't know when I'll see you
    I can't reach you anymore
    If I'd only known I'd need you
    Then I'd keep you like before
    I keep holdin' on to yesterday
    I keep holdin' on enough to say
    That I'm wrong, wrong, wrong
    To keep holdin' on
    My yesterdays have all gone by
     
  7. Highway 101

    Highway 101 Active Member

    Family members hit my last serious relationship on the head --

    It was convenient. It was easy. It seemed to make sense.
    Make sure what you're doing isn't any of the above.

    Do what you must for the right reasons, not those I've listed.
     
  8. Double J

    Double J Active Member

    Okay, I literally LOL'd at this. :D

    Thanks for all the advice thus far, gang. I think my feeling stems in part from loneliness, but not just in the sense you would think. I'm the kind of person who doesn't necessarily "need" to be in a relationship but "wants" it, with the right person. If it were just a matter of being with someone, either for the night or the weekend or in an actual relationship, that wouldn't be any problem at all.

    I just like sharing my life with someone, all aspects of it. I don't want to be with someone so they can do my laundry or grocery shopping, because I handle all that just fine. Believe it or don't, but I actually like doing household chores. Yes, seriously!!

    And I don't see getting back with my wife as a way to see more of my kids - they're already with me pretty much 24/7. That said, getting back with her wouldn't necessarily be for the kids' sake, just like staying friends with her hasn't been for that reason. I will admit, though, that the benefits would certainly include not having to go through that awkward phase of getting to know each other's kids and extended families.

    I really have wanted her to be happy, and we encouraged each other through the "dating others" process when it didn't seem like there was any hope for us at the time we separated (out of stubbornness and whatnot). We had been determined, once the one-year time limit had passed, to go to court and file for divorce together because it's fairly inexpensive to do it yourself and we had already agreed on all of the normally contentious issues, like custody of the kids. But one year came and went, and neither of us mentioned getting the papers, and neither of us is currently seeing anyone else. It's like "hmmmmm......" I can't help but wonder if we needed a complete break, with no initial thoughts of reconciliation, to be able to see each other in a different light, to be able to appreciate each other again/more. Does that make sense?
     
  9. buckweaver

    buckweaver Active Member

    It's OK if that's a "need," JJ. A lot of people have that need. It's not a bad thing, unless bad decisions are made to fulfill that need (which is frequently the case.)

    The trick is balancing that need with any other needs you and a potential partner may have, which might not co-exist as well.
     
  10. 21

    21 Well-Known Member

    This is a long story, so if you want to skip to the end, the bottom line is "if you're not sure, don't do anything, and don't ever worry about whether it's 'right' or 'wrong.'"

    My very best friend--beautiful woman, mother of 3, mid 40s--is married to a selfish egomaniac who is worth multimillions. One day he told her wasn't happy, and moved out into an estate he bought without her knowledge. No evidence of another woman.

    But she didn't want a divorce, and apparently neither did he...three years later, they're still 'deciding' what they want to do. They go out on the weekends, see each other during the week, he's a complete prick about it but they both know there's still something there.

    The punchline: in better times, she agreed to a post-nuptial worth around $15 million if either party ever files for divorce. No messy divorce proceeding, no negotiation. File the paper, transfer $15 mil. She could have it tomorrow.

    And as much as I want to grab her hand and force her to sign the fucking papers already, I really understand when she says there's no guarantee there's something better out there...you won't have these problems but you'll have those problems...you'll gain this but you'll lose that....there's no perfection in life and as long as you still have love and attraction between you, it's not worth throwing it away just for the sake of being 'right.'

    I know this for sure: people who really want a divorce REALLY want a divorce. If you're still not sure, don't do anything. Get the counseling, listen to each other, say everything you ever wanted to say, and see where it leads you. It's not completely about the kids, but this affects them forever...you owe it to them to try every possible option before changing their family forever.

    Good luck.
     
  11. Paper Dragon

    Paper Dragon Member

    Slightly irrelevant question: What does she do for money now?
     
  12. EStreetJoe

    EStreetJoe Well-Known Member

    Like others have said, try the counseling first. Get to the root of what caused the separation in the first place and see if its something the two of you can work through and live with.
     
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