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DadLife, the Holy - or not so holy - Crap edition

Discussion in 'Anything goes' started by Rhody31, Feb 25, 2015.

  1. Rhody31

    Rhody31 Well-Known Member

    I was casually feeding my 11-month old her bottle (she's lazy, what can I say) when I heard my 3-year old screaming bloody murder from the bathroom.
    I put the baby down and hurry over. I've seen her panic for no reason, panic for real, but today I saw "Daddy there's a poop stuck in my butt and it hurts and won't come out" panic.
    No idea what to do. I tried to calm her down as best I could. She's screaming that it's stuck because she didn't wipe good this morning and I would have laughed if I didn't feel so damn bad for her.
    I had her take some deep breaths and told her sometimes "pine cones" (that's what she's called them since she could talk; when she started using the potty she would peek in and said "it looks like a pine cone" and since then, boom) get too big and you have to push them out. I told her it would hurt for a little bit ("Like two minutes?" she said, tears streaming down her face) but it would be done quick.
    She pushed and nothing but more crying. I felt horrible for her but still had no idea what to do, except remembering my mother saying something about breaking it up manually when I was little. I tell her we'll get off the potty and I wipe her, but the thing is crowning. We need a solution.
    She starts crying for juice because she said it will make her feel better. I step out the door, grab the baby (who crawled over the to bathroom and was screaming and crying) and put her upstairs in her crib so I can get juice and figure out how we're getting this thing out.
    As I hustle down the stairs, I hear screaming.
    Thank you glorious Jesus.
    There's really no parenting book that trains you for a poop emergency like that.
  2. bigpern23

    bigpern23 Well-Known Member

    Will Smith once said that the manual for his television was about 2 inches thick, but when it came time for he and his wife to leave the hospital and he wondered how they were supposed to take care of this tiny baby, the doctor was like, "I got nothin' for ya. PEACE!" That's pretty accurate.
  3. MisterCreosote

    MisterCreosote Well-Known Member

    I call my son The World's Youngest Bioterrorist.
  4. Dyno

    Dyno Well-Known Member

    When I hear stories like Rhody's, I feel reassured that I never wanted to have kids. I don't know how you all do it.
  5. doctorquant

    doctorquant Well-Known Member

    A few weeks after our middle child was born, I was bathing our older daughter, who was then three or so. Of course there were umpteen million toys in the tub (maybe it's in the Constitution?). Anyway, so she picks up a little plastic alligator and begins holding it up very close to her hoochy. I said, "XXXXX, what are you doing?" She replies, "But Daddy, my water broke!"* My response was, "Well, when your water breaks you go to the hospital, you don't put an alligator in your vagina."

    The things you say as a parent.

    *The middle child had arrived ridiculously quickly after my wife's water broke. As in, we left our daughter with these neighbors we barely knew because we had to get to the hospital PRONTO.
  6. Starman

    Starman Well-Known Member

    Holy crap.


    Although I have been a doting uncle to the StarSis brood, toilet training and diaper changing is one department I have very happily stayed out of.

    KYSportsWriter likes this.
  7. RecoveringJournalist

    RecoveringJournalist Well-Known Member

    My oldest, when he was about six months old, hadn't pooped in two days. He was crying and I was making bicycle motions with his legs and rubbing his tummy trying to help things along. Finally the doc told us to get a little baby enema and give it to him.

    What came out was roughly the size of a lacrosse ball and almost as hard. My kid went from screaming to sweet relief in the span of seconds.
  8. BurnsWhenIPee

    BurnsWhenIPee Well-Known Member

    Oh man does that bring back memories. My son would have some of the worst constipation problems. We ended up at urgent care once because he was so miserable, and the doctor felt the outside of his belly and up to his chest, and finally said, "Of course he's in pain. He has feces backed up to about his nipples." Had to do more than our share of baby enemas.

    There was a time when every glass of milk we gave him we laced with Karo Syrup because that greased the skids enough to keep things moving.

    Eventually grew out of it, and no idea why it was such an issue, but that was such a helpless feeling.
  9. Rhody31

    Rhody31 Well-Known Member

    These are the things I haven't dealt with.
    L'il Rhody 1 was perfect. She spit up but I still haven't had to clean full on sick puke yet (on time she "spit big" as she put it when she had too much food in her mouth and gagged herself a little). We had diaper rashes and the such, but today was the first time where I was nervous I was gonna have to do something I really didn't want to do.

    I didn't change my first diaper until the first kid was born. Told my nurse "I need to learn how to do this and the only way I'm going to if you show me how." She went step by step and let me do the work. The first one took 10 wipes. Now I'm an expert, but I forgot how much changing "Just started eating food" diapers.
    We tried getting my oldest trained and it wasn't going well. Two days at my mom's and she was trained. No accidents to speak of.
  10. Starman

    Starman Well-Known Member

    I'm 10, 12 and 15.5 years older than my 3 youngest sibs. I changed plenty of diapers.
    FileNotFound likes this.
  11. MTM

    MTM Well-Known Member

    I'm 54 and have never changed a diaper. We adopted our son when he was 8, so never had to deal with toilet issues.
  12. Webster

    Webster Well-Known Member

    We watched our 18 month old niece (and her older brother) for a couple of days a few months back when my brother and sister in law were in the area for a wedding. Our kids loved it but I am perfectly happy if I never change another nasty dirty diaper again.
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