Dad pulls gun on 7-year old's FB coach!

Hi, coffeedude!

 

Leave the coach. Take the canoli.

 

OK, the dad was wrong. Wronger than wrong. But as a parent, I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND WHERE HE'S COMING FROM.

I would bet the coach he confronted was some budding Belichick who parceled out playing time only to those who immediately appeared to be the next Tom Brady. At the six- and seven-year-old level, as a parent you expect that playing time will be parceled out fairly equally because the object -- which leagues TELL YOU -- is development, not winning. (As I've mentioned before, the reason these leagues often do no-score is not to hurt the kids' feelings, but to make clear to coaches and parents that the object is for kids to learn the game in a competitive setting.) When I coached basketball at that age group, I worried about two things -- teaching the game, and keeping track of playing time. It was a no-score league, and I wouldn't have cared about the score anyway.

And I'm not ashamed to say that a few times, I have confronted coaches about playing time. However, I didn't bring a gun. In each case, I asked the coach if there was some problem with my child. I made sure not to sound accusatory or insane, although as a parent that's each to do. I made sure to put the onus on my child in case there was really something they did to earn a spot on the bench. (For example, I did bench one of my basketball players for a short stretch because he refused to pass the ball. But that was maybe one time out of his rotation in a whole season. I also explained why I did it to his father before he could confront me, but it turned out he completely understood why I did what I did.)

In one case, the coach apologized profusely and said that because he didn't have an assistant that day, he had trouble keeping track of playing time, and he apologized. (Hey, that happens.) In another case, I didn't buy the explanation the coach gave (I won't go into details), but I said thank you and seethed. I also told my child that he got screwed, but that another lesson here is that if you want to make sure to get your time, you also have to work to guarantee your coach can't forget about you.

Anyway, back to the guy with the gun -- we don't know anything about the coach, the dad, the team situation, etc. But I will say most parents I know at the 10-and-under level are willing to cut a lot of slack to coaches, and only start getting upset when it's clear the coach is violating the spirit of the league when it comes to playing time. After all, you understand when it's upfront that playing time is parceled out based on perceived ability. You don't understand when you're told over and over that it's a developmental league and everyone gets to play. Especially when you realize you've spent a lot of money in league fees to sit in cold weather to watch your kid watch a game.

 

LOL, good one Bob Cook.

 

Bob --

Just let the kid play. If he comes to you about playing time, then maybe you can get into it. But this sentence:

Especially when you realize you've spent a lot of money in league fees to sit in cold weather to watch your kid watch a game.

...Sounds like you're talking about you and not your kid. Some kids just want to be on the team. I've had pee wee kids beg out of games. Hell, I've had JV kids -- where we play everyone as equally as possible provided they attend practice and put forth a modicum of effort -- beg out of games.

I've gotten chewed out by the dad of a player who was among my best early in the season for not playing his kid as much as the other kids. I calmly explained that while JV was a developmental league, I tried to give the kids a good chance to win, and since the game in question was against one of our weaker opponents, I tried to play the bottom of the roster more JUST IN CASE I had to shorten my bench a bit in special teams situations against a tougher team. I ended up not having to, but I also got the fringe benefit of not running up the score on a hapless team.

Also once got chewed out by a dad who demanded to know why his kid wasn't playing. It was, quite simply, because he wasn't coming to practice while calling and telling us he was sick. His dad no idea. That guy ended up pretty embarassed.

From your example, it sounds like in the two cases you had one good coach and one not so good coach. Sounds about par for the course, in my experience. The best thing you can do is remember that youth sports are bigger than any one kid, including your son, and try to help out the good coaches as much as possible.

But please don't condone disrespecting any coach to your son. A heartwarming tale our coaching director -- who also happens to be the local college football coach -- always tells at our preseason meetings.

The football coach knows little about hockey, but was distressed to see his squirt son seemingly out of position while playing defense (in our town, all kids play all positions at that level). After some cajoling, the little guy turned to dad, a division I head guy, and said, "Dad, that's where my coach told me to play, and that's where I'm going to play!"

He was very proud of the little guy. And he, by the way, volunteers to take all the calls from parents complaining about coaches during the year. Since he took the job, those complaints have dropped tenfold.

 

Zeke:

I could tell in each case my kids were fidgeting on the sideline and getting long faces wondering why they weren't getting in the game. And afterward, they said were pretty upset. So I wasn't doing this for no reason, like I was piss-your-pants cold on the sideline. Also, I must not live where you live, because I've NEVER seen a kid beg out of a game. Only beg in. Profusely.

My point was, I don't think there's anything wrong with a parent reasonably asking a coach if there's a problem. It's very easy as a parent to jump in half-cocked and be all demanding. As I mentioned, I tried to be civil and ask the coach if there was a problem with my kid, to make sure I knew everything there was to know before I called the coach a jackass. (Which I haven't!) I would never argue strategy with a coach -- at my kids' age, it's all about playing and development.

And I guess I don't have a problem "condoning disrespect" on a coach, as you put it. (I believe I learned that from my father, who pulled my brother and I off our Little League team because the coach was a son-favoring moron who hated girls on his team. Fairly progressive thinking for a rock-ribbed Republican in the early 1980s). But I didn't tell my son the coach was an idiot (as my dad was not shy about saying in colorful terms). I acknowledged my son's hurt feelings, and said the coach tried his best but that he makes mistakes, too. That's where I added the part about making sure you impress your coaches so they have no excuse to forget about you.

* footnote to baseball story. My brother and I were on another team in the same league a year later, one with a nice-guy coach who kept things loose. We won the league title. Idiot, son-favoring, girl-hating coach finished last.

 

I have to agree. Some of the worst nutjob parents are in the individual sports. It gets especially crazy with sports like diving and gymnastics where the kids have to make an impression when they are very young to have a chance at big-time success.

Sorry, most 12-year olds aren't headed to the Olympics just becuase they won a few trophies. And very few of them are actually ready for the pressure that comes with that word.

I think there is more pressure on the kids regardless of how their parents act. It is all on them. No teammates to lean on or pick up the slack when they have a bad day.

I've done stories on athletes burning out at a very young age, and most of them competed in individual sports.

Nutjob parents are everywhere, unfortunately, and if I ever turn into one, I hope my wife has the sense to tell me to shut the hell up.

 

Speaking strictly as a parent with kids in all sorts of youth sports, it seems most parents get it--our kids aren't getting scholarships or adidas deals. Unfortunately, the few parents who DON'T get it (yes, we see you out there videotaping every at-bat, and we're all a little sick of hearing about how you are in the car from 3-11 every day driving your kid from football to hockey to early baseball workouts, and the teacher just does not understand why your kid needs an extra day to turn in the homework).

A colleague sent this to me recently, a Letter to the Ed in his local paper--clearly a coach responding to a parent who complained to the paper about 'unfair' coaching techniques. There's no link, I'm not even sure where it ran, but thought it was apropos for this thread:

 

Boy the coach who wrote that letter gets it. Would love to see the letter he was responding too.

 

And then the parents will wonder why no one will coach a team. There could be more risk to volunteering these days than there is to bungee jumping without a cord.

 

The dad was just reminding the coach not to stray from shotgun formation too much.

 

His wife probably didn't give him enough ass the night before.