Crossed Giblets of Death IV

I would have bet anything that Lou would not have made it under that limbo stick at Cousin Jewely’s wedding.

This is why we’re all heading to Dallas. Or Columbus. Not sure yet.

It’s all because of a limbo bet. First of all, never make a limbo bet, unless you are in control of the stick. You cannot trust random stick holders. These are your classic wedding drunks, pissed off because at this big New York wedding they expected the bar to have Grey Goose and instead there’s only Stoli and flavored Smirnoff, so they’re drinking Blueberry Smirnoff & Soda like it’s Hi-C.

So the guy on the left starts drooping his side of the stick because he’s watching one of the bridesmaids do the Superman dance (her left breast having departed the dress four minutes earlier), and the guy on the right overcompensates by raising his side of the stick, and pretty soon you don’t have much of a contest.

Stay with me here, it gets a little complicated.

The bride’s father is my mother’s younger brother, Uncle Joey. Uncle Joey is Very Very Wealthy, so wealthy that he now makes people call him Joseph, which aggravates my mother to no end. So when she sees him, she wears all her jewelry and the Armani suit she bought in Venice at the Italian equivalent of Nordstrom Rack, so he will think she is Very Very Wealthy too.

’21 darling, isn’t this wedding so beautiful, I’m so thrilled you were able to come, I didn’t know if it bothers you to be at weddings of much younger girls, does it bother you, dear? Are you happy, 21, we never talk any more. Look at Jewely, so lovely, I just wonder if it’s smart for her to tuck her hair behind her ears like that, all the money they spent pinning them back, the left one still looks a bit like that cute little dwarf, just so adorable, isn’t that just adorable?? I’m so proud none of my girls ever needed all that work, ear jobs and nose jobs and chin jobs, did you ever think about a nose job, dear? Does your Boom like your nose? I think it’s just lovely dear, probably why you have that beautiful voice, do you still sing, 21? Would you like to sing at the wedding?? I could talk to Uncle Joey…JOEY! 21 might like to sing…OH! I LOVE THIS SONG! WWYYYYY-EMMM-CEE-AAYYYY!!! DANCE WITH ME, 21!!’

Meanwhile…Lou eyes the limbo.

 

YOU EAT THOSE TOO! All my friends make fun of me. I love chicken taco flavor.

 

Okay, here is the text I just got from my sister.

Code:

U btr call mom she is fckng pissed.  Y cant u go get her in Chic!

Just to be clear: I am already in Dallas. I never planned to be in Chicago, never planned to drive anyone anywhere. My mother has airline reservations she cannot use on account of all the food she is bringing, because a) my brother may have moved to Columbus, and b) even if he's still in Dallas, all those plastic Santas in the food.

This is why my mother isn’t speaking to me. Because I will not drive to Chicago to pick her up and drive her back to Dallas/Columbus.

More on this soon. I'm sorry if it's confusing. If I'm boring you, let me know, I'll fast forward.

 

Leo -- Judd Hirsch

21's Mom -- Anne Meara

21 -- Markie Post

 

Boring us? Pfft. This is edge-of-the-seat material already, 21.

 

Please tell me your mom and Lou end up on a Greyhound.

Pleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease.

 

An 86-year-old grandmother with Alzheimer's. Me newly unemployed.

Oh boy, what fun.

 

U btr call mom she is fckng pissed. Y cant u go get her in Chic!


You have a fourteen year-old sister??

 

She has a PhD in psychology.

 

LOL!

Oops, this wasn't a year-old bumped thread. Never mind.

 

She has a PhD in txt

 

I was in tears by the time I read the spelling of Jewely.

What in hell was wrong with Julie?