Crossed Giblets of Death IV

So here was the plan. For the first time ever, the entire family would travel to a holiday at my brother's house, allegedly in Dallas. I think it's a house, I don't know, for a brief time he lived in Kentucky in a teepee.

‘Darling, have you spoken with your brother, let me give you the number of the payphone he uses outside the Stuckey’s on Route 33, he doesn’t have a phone in that wonderful little house he’s staying in, not a house really, so much as a cone, isn’t that so interesting, to live in a cone….he calls it a teepee but that seems so, I don’t know, ethnic…one should be probably be ethnic in that way, if you’re going to call it a teepee…You really should go visit him there, 21, everyone sleeps right there on the old sleeping bags, remember the old James Bond 007 sleeping bags we gave you for Hanukkah in 1974? Well, those certainly held up, they look so adorable on the floor of the teepee! Wasn't it so wonderful of him to have us stay with him and that Marcee, I know you usually go to all that trouble and expense to have us stay in that sweet motel near your big home with all the empty rooms, and here he just has the James Bond sleeping bags and those rabbit fur slacks, I think they were slacks, and he just made us feel so wanted, one minute dear, let me get the number, LOU! Lou, I’m looking for the number of that payphone…I SAID THE PAYPHONE! BY THE STUCKEY’S! IN CASE 21 WANTS TO CALL HER BROTHER….IT WAS ON THE PAPER, THE BLUE PAPER…WHAT IS THIS, NOT THE NEWSPAPER, I SAID THE BLUE PAPER, WHY WOULD I PUT THE NUMBER ON THE NEWSPAPER, IT'S THE BLUE PAPER FROM THE….oh, for heaven’s sake 21, do you need the number right now, I’ll have to get it to you later, Lou is putting the cantaloupe rinds in the recycling…NO CANTELOUPE IN THE RECYCLING, LOU, HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I SAID, THE RECYCLING IS ONLY FOR…… click.

So yeah. I have never been anywhere that my brother lives. Although I am told he now lives in an actual house. With a pool.

And this was supposed to be the first ever occasion that the entire family would travel to my brother’s location on a holiday.

 

I think it's a house, I don't know, for a brief time he lived in Kentucky in a teepee.

Was it blocking the highway? [crossthread]

 

Outing alert: Ashy Larry is Ray Baron of Newsday.

 

Episode IV: A New Hope

 

Whatever you bring, I think you should serve it on Obama commemorative plates.

 

DID YOU READ AHEAD?!

 

Dear 21:

I am offering to be your agent on this one. CGD IV means you've got a lot of material, much of which has left me with pulled stomach muscles from trying not to laugh out loud in the newsroom. I'm thinking book and movie deal, then a sit-com on Showtime (so you can slam the phone down after a conversation with your mother and actually, you know, cuss). If some mangy mutt named Marley can become a franchise, surely this can, and SportsJournalists.com denizens already have realized considerable entertainment value every Thanksgiving.

We should start with the casting right now. 21 has the final say, but let's start with this:

Who plays 21?

Who plays Mom?

Who plays Lou?

Other additions are welcome.

I'll work for 8 percent 21. Have your people call my people.

 

And is there a 35-year-old grandmother with red streaks in her gold hair. (or the other way around).
And a sheriff named Dick?
Casting is going to want to know.

 

Actually, I'm going the opposite (from Dallas, then back). Only turkey in my Tahoe will be the one behind the wheel.

I'll wave at you when we meet on the highway.

 

Either Larry David or the actor who played Uncle Leo (from Seinfeld), wearing fat suits, have to play Lou.

 

Sorry, but I still think this is left better to the imagination...

and I need to pour some Jack to read this thread... my stomach is going to hurt and I need a painkiller...

So what's withthe dried pickles, anyway

 

I'm traveling to my parents' house in Indianapolis, where there will be two turkeys -- the real thing, and gluten-free. My mom and brother both are on the gluten-free diet. The up side is it keeps them healthy. The down sides are these: my dad getting paranoid my mom is going to die if we leave any glutenous cereal dust on the counter, and my brother's farts if he happens to ingest something gluten-y. Think of the worst poot you've smelled. That doesn't come close.