CRITIQUE MY LEADE PLEASE

I was hoping you guys could comment, advice on how to improve it , approach the story. It's about a trip to New Orleans to rebuild houses. Thanks.

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Rebuilding Homes, Rebuilding Lives


As I gazed through the livid windows, in the backseat of the car, it hit me. As the red taillights glided down the concrete ribbon of highway 7, and pulled up to the airport, I began to understand. Because from the moment I pulled off my street and bid adieu to the township of Thornhill, to the moment the plane took off, and I peered downwards to the panorama below, I saw a very familiar sight. Staring back at me was the 1,894,436 private dwellings of the Greater Toronto Area. That is 1,894,436 memories, smiles, and holiday dinners. However, the destination on my plane ticket read off a city that would look far different. Because where I was going, smiles and memories were hard to come by.

Where I was going, a region was still suffering from the aftermath of its darkest week in history. After Hurricane Katrina made landfall near Buras, Louisiana, at 6:10am on August, 29, 2005, south Louisiana, Mississippi and part of Alabama were completely devastated. Later on that evening, the 17th Street Levee collapsed, and over eighty percent of New Orleans was under water, destroying 160,000 homes. That is 160,000 memories, smiles, and holiday dinners. In efforts to put back hope in a city that should be shining, me and nine other members of the B’nai Brith Youth Organization, journeyed to Chalmette, Louisiana to rebuild houses with the National Relief Network.

 

Lots of "I" in there. I think it works, but a different kind of scene-setting might work better.

Two minor grammar things jumped out at me:

"Staring back at me was the 1,894,436 private dwellings of the Greater Toronto Area." (Should be "were.")

And "me and nine other members of the B’nai Brith Youth Organization..." (Should be "I," which is a little ironic since I was just suggesting fewer I's. Also, I don't think you need the comma after "Organization.")

Also -- and I go back and forth on this -- I feel like "south Louisiana" should be "southern Louisiana."

And "memories" aren't hard to come by in New Orleans. Good memories are, obviously. That's extremely nit-picky on my part, but it fell a little strangely on my ear.

Again, though, it's a good lede. I'd just rather you weren't such a big part of the picture at the start.

 

It was well written and it was a good idea on how you built your lede, but I'm hung up on the "I's" like Mighty Wingman... Is this a column? Is this a feature story on New Orleans? Is this a Hornets-Raptors gamer?

If it is a feature story, there had to be a way to describe that without throwing yourself into the story. Remember, WE are not part of the story... hear that Chris Berman?

 

Should be I.

 

As one of the folks unable to log on through the normal channels, I apologize for not having posted here sooner. I also apologize in advance for any typographical weirdness MrSneakie causes here.

First, thanks to Mattklar for posting. Second, knowing that Mattklar is one of our younger workshoppers - and not to disagree with our other posters here - this needs a lot of work.

From the very top: 'Lead' or 'Lede' is the convention.

Then:

As I gazed through the livid [Wrong Word? Ck def.] windows, in the backseat [Two words? Ck. style] of the car, it [What is 'it'? You never tell us.] hit me. As the red taillights glided down [Awkward. Aren't the taillights attached to cars?] the concrete [Ck. Not asphalt?] ribbon [cliche] of highway 7, and pulled up to the airport, I began to understand [Understand what?]. Because from the moment I pulled off my street and bid adieu [Awk.] to the township of Thornhill, to the moment the plane took off, and I peered downwards to the panorama below, I saw a very familiar sight [You saw the same panorama from your driveway and the plane?]. Staring back at me [nope] was [were] the 1,894,436 private dwellings of the Greater Toronto Area [Weren't the public buildings staring back, too?]. That is 1,894,436 memories, smiles, and holiday dinners [Nope. Buildings don't have memories - the people in them do. And each building likely has more than one person in it. And each person has more than one memory. I see what you're trying to do here, but there's got to be an easier, clearer way to say it.] However, the destination on my plane ticket read off [Tickets can't read] a city that would look far different. Because where I was going, smiles and memories were hard to come by [Not true. Smiles may be in short supply these days - although I doubt it - but I guarantee you that everyone has plenty of memories, even if they're bad ones.]

Where I was going, a region was still suffering from [cut 'from'] the aftermath of its darkest week in history ['The darkest week in its history' is a better construction, but it's still a bit over the top. You're trying to hype the drama too much.] After Hurricane Katrina made landfall near Buras, Louisiana, at 6:10am on August, 29, 2005, south Louisiana, Mississippi and part(s) of Alabama were completely devastated [Needless detail here makes a compound/complex sentence long and awkward]. Later on that evening, the 17th Street Levee collapsed, and over eighty percent of New Orleans was under water, destroying 160,000 homes. That is 160,000 memories [same accounting problem here as in the paragraph above], smiles, and holiday dinners. In efforts [awk.] to put back hope [awk.] in a city that should be shining [?], me ['I'] and nine other members of the B’nai Brith Youth Organization [usu. '9 other members, etc. and I' is the preferred construction], journeyed to Chalmette, Louisiana to rebuild houses with the National Relief Network.

I'm being kind of harsh here because Mattklar's making the same mistake we all make when we're starting out - overwriting. For example, here's the definition of 'livid':

The adjective livid has 4 meanings:

Meaning #1: ash-colored or anemic looking from illness or emotion
Synonyms: ashen, blanched, bloodless, white

Meaning #2: (of a light) imparting a deathlike luminosity

Meaning #3: (informal) furiously angry

Meaning #4: discolored by coagulation of blood beneath the skin
Synonym: black-and-blue

So the sixth word in the piece spins the reader out. Also, words like 'gazed' instead of 'looked' - or 'glided' or 'peered' or 'ribbon' or 'bid adieu', etc. are words that call attention to themselves without adding value to what's being described. This is a sin we all commit.

I assume this is going to be a memoir of Mattklar's trip south to help rebuild. A great occasion for a first-person feature.

I would urge Mattklar, though, to err on the side of understatement, especially when writing about this very familiar disaster. The bigger the drama, generally, the less work you have to do as writer describing it. Here, I'd try rewriting your opening in two or three clear, simple sentences. Strip out the drama and the hyperbole and the numbers and just tell us the basics.

"We went south to rebuild, but none of us knew which tools to carry. Which tools do you use to rebuild hope?" Or something. Two sentences.

Then just write what you saw and what you heard in the simplest way possible.

Just a thought. Again, and as always, thanks for posting.

 

Some really, really good advice there from jgmacg, mattklar. I learned a lot myself.

Check out the thread I've started over in on the journalism only board, and read the first-person essay that Brian Mockenhaupt wrote about missing Iraq. It's strength is its short sentences and its telling details. I'm not sure your details about your hometown, the ribbon of the road and the red tail lights, are necessary. Does Toronto have much to do with this story? I don't know. That's a question you have to answer. But take advantage of teh excellent advice you received.

Here is the link to the, Thread To Discuss -- And Learn From -- Good Writing.

http://www.sportsjournalists.com/forum/threads/38772/

 

Mogen David AZA #2021

Oh, the days.