1. Welcome to SportsJournalists.com, a friendly forum for discussing all things sports and journalism.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register for a free account to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Access to private conversations with other members.
    • Fewer ads.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon!

Critique as much as you'd like

Discussion in 'Writers' Workshop' started by ezduzit, Feb 28, 2007.

  1. ezduzit

    ezduzit Guest

    I've been in the sports writing business since August. I write for the University newspaper and cover high school sports for the local newspaper. I feel like I've learned a lot, but I want to hear some hard truth about what I need to improve on, so here's my last story. Please don't hold back.

    Normally, Glen “Big Baby” Davis not playing for LSU in Auburn’s final home game would be a good thing. Normally.
    However, this SEC season has been anything but normal.
    While LSU, a final four team last season, is struggling at the bottom of the SEC West the Auburn Tigers are fighting to win the division.
    With Davis, the Bayou Bengals started SEC play winning two out of three games – including a 65-64 victory over Auburn.
    Unfortunately, LSU lost eight of its next nine games with Davis. Without him, the Tigers (LSU) beat the No. 4-ranked Florida Gators last Saturday.
    Big Baby suffered a strained quad muscle against Arkansas earlier this month causing him to sit out against Kentucky and Florida.
    Therefore Davis will not make the trip to Auburn tonight by order of LSU coach John Brady.
    Brady said he doesn't want Davis to make the trip if he isn't going to play.
    Normally, the Auburn Tigers wouldn’t be favored against a final four team – even without Davis. Normally.
    But the Tigers (AU) have been anything but a normal team.
    However, with wins over Vanderbilt, Tennessee and Alabama, this Auburn team has shown they can compete against some of the best teams in the SEC.
    “We have a lot of respect for LSU and what they did last year. They've proven it. They've been better without Davis in there,” Auburn coach Jeff Lebo said.
    “Anyone who can eat Florida without him is a good basketball team.”
    An LSU team without Davis, presents a much different challenge for Auburn.
    Instead of the pressure falling on forwards Josh Dollard and Korvotney Barber to defend Davis, it’s the Auburn guards who will have to step up their offense.
    “They're very physical. Their guards are so big. (Garrett) Temple's as good a perimeter defender as there is in the country,” Lebo said.
    “Defensively is where we're worried, being able to get some of the shots we want.”
    LSU forced the Gators to shoot 11 percent from beyond the arc – a trap Auburn can’t afford fall into.
    But, being able to get the ball inside is something Auburn has struggled with all season.
    However, recent inside defense has been the key for the Tigers (AU) to get back on track after a four-game skid.
    With wins over Arkansas and Alabama, the team is playing with some much needed confidence.
    Barber’s recent rise has been more evident than others.
    Barber has dominated the paint in Auburn’s last two games – his performance earned him the SEC Player of the Week Award after Auburn’s back-to-back conference wins.
    But last time the Tigers (AU) beat two good teams, Tennessee and Alabama, they fell to the bottom of the SEC with a four-game losing streak.
    “We talk about not losing focus and hope they don't. The only thing you can do is talk about it, learn from your mistakes from the past,” Lebo said.
    “We got ahead of ourselves when that happened before. It's a long season -- anything can happen.”
    Lebo’s assessment could not be more accurate, given that the Tigers could still finish anywhere between first and fifth in the West.
    With two games left in the season, only one question remains.
    Where will Auburn finish?
     
  2. That is impressive!
     
  3. My comments in bold. Problem areas in italics. General comments at the end.

    Normally, Glen “Big Baby” Davis not playing for LSU in Auburn’s final home game would be a good thing. Normally.
    However, this SEC season has been anything but normal.
    While LSU, a final four Should be Final Four team last season, is struggling at the bottom of the SEC West , the Auburn Tigers are fighting It's not wrong, but I'd rather you just say that Auburn is near the top of the standings, or something like that... to win the division.
    With Davis, the Bayou Bengals started SEC play winning two out of three games – including a 65-64 victory over Auburn.
    Unfortunately, LSU lost eight of its next nine games with Davis.
    So, what you are saying is that LSU went 3-10 with Davis in the line-up. Seriously, I'm missing your point. Without him, the Tigers (LSU) beat the No. 4-ranked Florida Gators last Saturday.
    Big Baby suffered a strained quad muscle against Arkansas earlier this month causing him to sit out against Kentucky and Florida. I'm not sure it matters why he's out. He's just out. And you have established that.
    Therefore Davis will not make the trip to Auburn tonight by order of LSU coach John Brady.
    Brady said he doesn't want Davis to make the trip if he isn't going to play.
    This is from the redundancy, redundancy department. I get it. Davis is out.
    Normally, the Auburn Tigers wouldn’t be favored against a final four team – even without Davis. Normally. It (Normally. Normally.) worked OK in your lead, now it's distracting.
    But the Tigers (AU) have been anything but a normal team. now it's really distracting
    However, with wins over Vanderbilt, Tennessee and Alabama, this Auburn team has shown they can compete against some of the best teams in the SEC. Which os irrelevant, seeing that LSU isn't a top team this year.
    “We have a lot of respect for LSU and what they did last year. Shocking. They've proven it. They've been better without Davis in there,” Auburn coach Jeff Lebo said.
    “Anyone who can eat a typo. And a funny one at that! Florida without him is a good basketball team.”
    An LSU team without Davis, Wait. You mean Davis is out!?! presents a much different challenge for Auburn.
    Instead of the pressure falling on forwards Josh Dollard and Korvotney Barber to defend Davis, it’s the Auburn guards who will have to step up their offense. This should be attributed
    “They're very physical. Their guards are so big. (Garrett) Temple's as good a perimeter defender as there is in the country,” Lebo said.
    “Defensively is where we're worried, being able to get some of the shots we want.”
    LSU forced the Gators to shoot 11 percent from beyond the arc – a trap Auburn can’t afford fall into. says who?
    But, being able to get the ball inside is something Auburn has struggled with all season. Show me how
    However, recent inside defense has been the key says who? for the Tigers (AU) You don't need this. Your audience likely knows who the Tigers are to get back on track after a four-game skid.
    With wins over Arkansas and Alabama, the team is playing with some much needed confidence. says who?
    Barber’s recent rise has been more evident than others. says who?
    Barber has dominated the paint in Auburn’s last two games give me some stats here – his performance earned him the SEC Player of the Week Award after Auburn’s back-to-back conference wins.
    But last time the Tigers (AU) beat two good teams, you need to define what you mean by "good teams." The Last time AU defeated two top 20 teams in a row, or something like that. Tennessee and Alabama, they fell to the bottom of the SEC with a four-game losing streak.
     
  4. “We talk about not losing focus and hope they don't. The only thing you can do is talk about it, learn from your mistakes from the past,” Lebo said. Have you ever watched Bull Durham?
    “We got ahead of ourselves when that happened before. It's a long season -- anything can happen.” That's why they take things one game at a time.
    Lebo’s assessment could not be more accurate, What if he had said, "It's a long season. We can still finish anywhere between first and fifth?" WQhould it have been more accurate then? given that the Tigers could still finish anywhere between first and fifth in the West.
    With two games left in the season, only one question remains. Really? Just one? So, no one is wondering about the tournament, or if a certain player is going to leave early, or...
    Where will Auburn finish? You started the piece talking about LSU and Davis, yet you never got back to it. If you are going to identify a theme in your lead, then the reader is going to want some closure on it.

    General comments

    First the good: You have a good grasp of the language and an understanding of the game. That's important. You've also sought out the right sources. Also important.

    Now for how you could make it better: In j-school, I had an instructor who would hand back assignments with one word written on it in big, red letters. That word? FOCUS! As in, focus your story. There are too many different ideas in this.

    Your lead was OK, but you never tied it into the rest of the story. I'm left wondering why you are telling me about Davis. He's not playing, so he isn't really a factor in the game. Just because he is a star, doesn't mean that he is the only angle on the game. However, if you are going to lead with the fact that LSU has about the same record with him in the line-up as they do with him out, then explore that. You just kind of put it out there then started to talk about Auburn.
     
Draft saved Draft deleted

Share This Page