Cosmo, screen door; screen door, Cosmo

Now, I've drank with Cosmo plenty of times. Heard him quote every line of Seinfeld episode and watched him serve me my ass in Hold 'em (several times).
Oh, but how I now have the goods on him.

He came in a few days early to my wedding last week and, after several hours of cards and drinking, the group moved outside so the smokers could do their thing. We're all sitting out there when he decides he's going to head inside for who knows what.

Front door is open.

Screen door -- not so much.

The only way to describe this is a pale T-Rex, complete with the arm motions, crashing through the screen and onto the floor of my living room. Of the other six of us there, three were on a knee laughing their asses off; the other three were trying not to spit beer and bourbon out of their noses.

He tried to rebound nicely, although his face was extremely red.

In conclusion, that screen door has been replaced by my glass storm door. Thanks for the memory Cosmo.

 

For the record, I've done that myself, while talking on the phone with Rallen13.

 

Yeah, I'm still waiting for full details on this.

Also, the story of the golf game and the lawsuits that were threatened forthwith.

 

I'm waitng for the sequel -- when Cosmo makes like a pigeon and slams into the glass door next.

 

I was wondering how long it was going to take MU to post this. ... But I deserve it.

I believe I was heading inside for another beer. (Clearly, at this point, I didn't need one, but I digress.)

The best part was MU's buddy falling to his knees after watching me short-arm my way through the screen door. Unfortunately for him, his hand landed right on the cherry of a cigarette someone had just dropped. So he burned himself.

As for golf exploits, well, let's be honest here. I'm not a great golfer to begin with, though I have been known to hit the occasional nice approach from 110 out. Now add in the fact that we all had about two hours of drunken sleep on the floor of MU's pad, and a recipe for disaster is created. On about hole No. 3, there's a lake to the right of the tee box and houses across the lake. No mere mortal should be able to reach the other side, but my slice, well, it's not merely mortal. It can be legendary at times. And my friends, I cranked this ball off the tee. Hit it a good 250 yards. Unfortunately, about 50 yards into the flight, it took a direct right turn for Socastee.

"There's no way it can make it," MU's friend Greg says. Yet it keeps going, and going, and going and THWACK!!!! right into some dude's house. Of course, the dude was out in his yard working, leading to cries of "nice shot asshole!"

Oops.

So we sort of navigated away from that scene. By the time we got to 18, we were all so tired, hung over and dehydrated that we were just eager to finish. I had long since put the driver in the bag and was hitting 3 wood off the tee. Hit it pretty decently straight on 18, but a little left, leaving me an open approach to the green. About 160 out. So I go 5 iron but overcompensated for my tendency to go right. So the ball goes left. Toward the clubhouse. And I struck the fuck out of this thing.

"Best ball strike you had all day," one of MU's buddies says.

We start screaming "FORE!!! FORE!!!!" but to no avail. They couldn't hear us. Ball hits cartpath, bounces up, nails some guy in the temple, knocks his glasses off and pops one of the lenses out.

Needless to say, he wasn't all that amused by the turn of events. He tries to get me to give him my insurance info, cusses me out, yada, yada. Then again, that's part of the risk of being on the golf course. It sucks. It's not like I aimed for him. Shit happens sometimes, especially when there are shitty hackers like myself on the course. He cooled down after a bit and we went our separate ways.

Yeah, my luck hasn't been great lately.

***

That said, I've got to say, I was impressed by MU's ability to by God get things done on about 10 hours of sleep for the week. Great wedding. Great times. Couldn't have happened to two better people.