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Controversial column

Discussion in 'Writers' Workshop' started by ccraker, Feb 14, 2008.

  1. ccraker

    ccraker Guest

    I wrote this column in early January in regard to a situation that happened in our area. I received a lot of criticism and a lot of praise for this column. I tried to reach the football coach/athletic director and the superintendent, but they never answered or called back.
    What could I have done better?



    Every action has a consequence.

    In Iraan, however, the actions of four high school boys don’t seem to be producing enough consequences.

    Zak Owen, Call Cade and two minors have confessed to beating two deer to death with baseball bats on school property.

    Justice of the Peace Cathy Ervine punished the group with fines and deferred dispositions. Earlier, Iraan-Sheffield ISD placed the teens in Displaced Alternative Education Program for the entirety of the second semester in the 2007-08 school year and banned them from participating in any extracurricular activities the school offers.

    While those consequences may seem harsh enough from the school’s perspective, they aren’t.
    The activities this group is missing out on are not of great enough severity to teach them a lesson.

    Growing up in West Texas, kids aren’t dreaming of the glory they will receive by playing basketball or running track or by participating in things like debate.

    No, these kids longed to play football on Friday nights under the glare of the lights with a legion of fans roaring over their every move.

    Because football reigns supreme in Texas, the school district needs to send these four a message teaching them and the entire student body that it is not OK to beat animals to death — a message that will teach them that every action has sufficient consequence.

    A message that even though the law is letting them off easy, the school district is going to take a harsh enough stance.

    These four kids should not be allowed to play football next year.

    Maybe they shouldn’t be suspended for the entire season, but they should at least miss two-a-days, scrimmages and at least three games of the regular season.

    Plenty of athletes in West Texas have missed entire calendar years for acts far less damaging than beating two deer to death.

    If getting caught drinking alcohol on a school bus is bad enough to keep some area students out for a full year, then beating deer to death is reason enough as well.

    Iraan’s own student handbook in the Student Discipline Expulsion legal section says, “A student shall be expelled if the student, on school property ... uses, possesses, or exhibits a firearm, an illegal knife, a club or a prohibited weapon.”

    While baseball bats are not included in that list, the bats weren’t being used to hit a fastball, but rather a deer’s skull. When the bats went from playing ball to hitting deer, they became clubs.

    Which is why the Iraan-Sheffield ISD needs to stand up and teach this group a lesson. The district didn’t expel the students, and they didn’t suspend them for a calendar year, but they can’t let them off this lightly.

    Sometimes life isn’t fair, sometimes you do things you hadn’t been planning on, but the fact is that the deed was committed and keeping these kids out of spring football workouts and winter and spring sports doesn’t fit the crime.

    This was not a case of boys will be boys. This wasn’t having a beer on a bus or spray painting an image on a wall or stealing a construction sign.

    This incident was far worse. It involved trapping and beating to death two animals. It was such an intense crime that blood and deer hair still covers the fence surrounding the baseball bullpen where the act happened.

    Because of all of this, this group needs to have the one sport taken away that Iraan cares about most: football.

    Maybe then they will learn sufficient lessons from this and not fall into mob mentality or harm an animal in such a cruel manner in the future.

    Otherwise, the only lessons being taught by the law and the school district are these: Break the law and school rules in Iraan, and you will get off with a light sentence.
     
  2. hockeybeat

    hockeybeat Guest

    I thought this was a very good column. I had just one problem with it. Midway though the piece, you contradicted yourself.

    I think it would have been stronger if you had written something like:

     
  3. verbalkint

    verbalkint Member

    ccraker--

    First things first: this is great. Most mid-level dailies will avoid stuff like this like the plague. You judged it right. This is a sports story, and -- given that two are over 18 -- I would guess that everyone involved is 16 or older. (Certainly old enough to know better.) So, I'm with you on your stance, but, still, it took balls.

    Now, to the mechanics. My edits in caps.

    --
    Every action has a consequence. (GOOD.)

    In Iraan, however, the actions of four high school boys don’t seem to be producing enough consequences. (BIT TOO SLOW FOR SUCH A HARD LEAD. HOW ABOUT "EVERY ACTION HAS A CONSEQUENCE. OR AT LEAST IT SHOULD." WORDS LIKE "HOWEVER," "SEEM," EVEN "BE PRODUCING" AND "ENOUGH"-- I FEEL LIKE THEY'RE HOLDING ME BACK.)

    Zak Owen, Call Cade and two minors have confessed to beating two deer to death with baseball bats on school property. (WHEN?)

    Justice of the Peace Cathy Ervine punished the group with fines and deferred dispositions. Earlier, Iraan-Sheffield ISD placed the teens in Displaced Alternative Education Program for the entirety of the second semester in the 2007-08 school year and banned them from participating in any extracurricular activities the school offers. (I'D EXPLAN WHAT DAEP IS... SOUNDS LIKE THEY HAVE TO LEAVE THE SCHOOL TO LEARN, BUT IT'S UNCLEAR.)

    While those consequences may seem harsh enough from the school’s perspective, they aren’t. (DITCH "FROM THE SCHOOL'S PERSPECTIVE")
    The activities this group is missing out on are not of great enough severity to teach them a lesson. (WORD CHOICE: "SEVERITY" WOULD MEAN THESE ARE "SEVERE" ACTIVITIES.)

    Growing up in West Texas, kids aren’t dreaming of the glory they will receive by playing basketball or running track or by participating in things like debate. ("BOYS IN WEST TEXAS...")

    No, these kids longed to play football on Friday nights under the glare of the lights with a legion of fans roaring over their every move.

    Because football reigns supreme in Texas, the school district needs to send these four a message teaching them and the entire student body that it is not OK to beat animals to death — a message that will teach them that every action has sufficient consequence.

    A message that even though the law is letting them off easy, the school district is going to take a harsh enough stance. (MAYBE SWITCH "HARSH ENOUGH" FOR "FAIR" OR "JUST"... HARSH, TO ME, HAS AN UNFAIR CONNOTATION, AND YOU'RE ONLY ASKING THAT THE KIDS WHAT YOU THINK IS FAIR.)

    These four kids should not be allowed to play football next year. (GOOD.)

    Maybe they shouldn’t be suspended for the entire season, but they should at least miss two-a-days, scrimmages and at least three games of the regular season. (I AGREE WITH HOCKEYBEAT, FEELS LIKE YOU'RE BACKING OFF A BIT HERE. IF YOU ACTUALLY DON'T THINK THEY SHOULD MISS THE ENTIRE SEASON, THEN YOU SHOULD'VE SAID SOMETHING LIKE, "THE PUNISHMENT NEEDS TO INCLUDE FOOTBALL.")

    Plenty of athletes in West Texas have missed entire calendar years for acts far less damaging than beating two deer to death. (MAYBE CITE ONE OR TWO RECENT EPISODES)

    If getting caught drinking alcohol on a school bus is bad enough to keep some area students out for a full year, then beating deer to death is reason enough as well. (MIGHT NOT BE A BAD PLACE TO TURN THE SCREW, PAINT A BETTER PICTURE: "TRAPPING AND BEATING TWO DEER TO DEATH OVER THE COURSE OF TWENTY MINUTES...")

    Iraan’s own student handbook in the Student Discipline Expulsion legal section says, “A student shall be expelled if the student, on school property ... uses, possesses, or exhibits a firearm, an illegal knife, a club or a prohibited weapon.” (GOOD.)

    While baseball bats are not included in that list, the bats weren’t being used to hit a fastball, but rather a deer’s skull. When the bats went from playing ball to hitting deer, they became clubs.

    Which is why the Iraan-Sheffield ISD needs to stand up and teach this group a lesson. (DITCH "WHICH IS WHY") The district didn’t expel the students, and they didn’t suspend them for a calendar year, but they can’t let them off this lightly.

    Sometimes life isn’t fair, sometimes you do things you hadn’t been planning on, but the fact is that the deed was committed and keeping these kids out of spring football workouts and winter and spring sports doesn’t fit the crime. (I'M NOT THRILLED WITH "LIFE ISN'T FAIR"--MAYBE REMINDS ME OF MY MOM. I THINK WHAT YOU'RE ASKING IS THAT THEY DO GET TREATED FAIRLY, WHICH, IN THIS CASE, MEANS A HARSHER PUNISHMENT.)

    This was not a case of boys will be boys. This wasn’t having a beer on a bus or spray painting an image on a wall or stealing a construction sign.

    This incident was far worse. It involved trapping and beating to death two animals. It was such an intense crime that blood and deer hair still covers the fence surrounding the baseball bullpen where the act happened.
    (GREAT. I'D DITCH "IT WAS SUCH AN INTENSE" FOR "IT WAS A CRIME" JUST TO GET TO THE BLOOD AND HAIR FASTER.)
    Because of all of this, this group needs to have the one sport taken away that Iraan cares about most: football.

    Maybe then they will learn sufficient lessons from this and not fall into mob mentality or harm an animal in such a cruel manner in the future.

    Otherwise, the only lessons being taught by the law and the school district are these: Break the law and school rules in Iraan, and you will get off with a light sentence. (THAT'S ONLY ONE LESSON)

    --

    Final thoughts:

    - One thing you could have included was the Mike Vick situation, which incorporates football, the South and animal cruelty, and how one would think that might raise the cultural awareness. I don't think you should often try to compare a local story and a national one, but I think it holds up here.

    - Not included: the player's positions, their role on the team, etc. You don't want to get into the Gary Barnett-Katie Hnida situation, where you say, "These guys can't even play." But, if one of them is starting QB, it seems very possible that administrators (who often love football as much as anyone) might have been thinking about what next year's team looks like without them.

    - Again, I wanted a bit more information on the crime itself. Given that it was a criminal case, you could obtain the police reports. I think people hear they killed these deer and they might go, "Oh, yeah, kids do stuff like that." But the actual details of it, the trapping, and -- I would assume -- repeated home run swings to the head of a crying animal that's tied down... well, I just disguted myself, and I think you could've done that to the reader.

    - You lost me a bit at the end. With such a strong, definitive start, I wanted something more like that.

    - Finally I'd offer the Tony Kornheiser formula for writing a column, which he talks about a lot but certainly did not invent. You should make your own argument, but in the process, address any position that someone might take against you. For example, any time I think of suspensions, I think of the argument, "But this is all he cares about, what will happen if you take it away?" Also, and this is just my personal issue, but... well, this kind of activity does not bode well for these kids' psyche. (People who torture animals as kids don't grow up to be good people, to say the least.) Given that this is a column dealing with an off-the-field issue, I think you could have made (VERY careful) reference to off-the-field solutions, like counseling.

    That's all I've got, but I want to reiterate, this is great. Nine out of 10 mid-level dailies wouldn't pull the trigger on this, and you did, and you did it well.

    Out of curiosity, excluding the kids' parents and rabid fans, how did the reactions break out? For or against you? And did anyone say anything that made you reconsider?

    Thanks for posting. Hope this helps.
     
  4. ccraker

    ccraker Guest

    Thanks for the feedback so far. Keep it coming.


    A few answers to questions:

    1. I didn't go into the case very much because it had been splashed across our newspaper and two others' fronts for the previous week.
    2. I have no idea why I never said when it happened. Obviously, I should have included that, especially since I wrote the column a month after it happened and the deer hair and blood was still at the scene.
    3. I received about 50/50 criticism and praise. A lot of football coaches were pissed at me because they felt like I was trying to tell that coach how to run his program. A lot of animal rights people and people who think athletes get away with stuff out here (see Friday Night Lights, movie and book) were ecstatic with the column.
    4. I should have put the positions of the players, you are right. There was a lot of other stuff to the story that I didn't get into, mainly because we couldn't officially get the other two kids' names on the record. Call Cade is the quarterback and his dad is a bank president in town (By the way, this town has about 1,000 people in it). Zak Owen is a starter on the team and his dad is an assistant football coach. I know who one of the other players is and he was named to the All-State team and is a running back/cornerback. One of his parents works in the district.
    I was going to go into the fact that this looked like favoritism, but I didn't have enough facts to do it.

    Oh, and HB, I didn't think I contradicted myself, though I guess that is how it reads. Initially I was going to say they should miss the entire football season, but backed off to say just two-a-days, and the first three games. I did that because I had talked to some coaches off the record about the incident and a lot of them tried to talk me out of writing it.
     
  5. spnited

    spnited Active Member

    One other question, cracker.

    What grade are these kids in? If two are 18 already, are they about to graduate or are 19-year olds still allowed to play HS sports in Texas (they are not in my State)?
     
  6. ccraker

    ccraker Guest

    The two named in the column are 17-year-olds and the other two are 16-year-olds. Apparently 17 is old enough to have your name released in Texas, because they were on the criminal report while the other two weren't.
    All four will be back at the school next year and all four play football.
     
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