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Column for your consideration

Discussion in 'Writers' Workshop' started by Sneed, Dec 28, 2008.

  1. Sneed

    Sneed Guest

    I'm deleting my column from this because, well, it wasn't as good as I thought and I got embarrassed after posting it. I realized the needed corrections below after posting it -- thanks dude! -- and so felt compelled to remove such grammatically incorrect junk from the boards for fear of tainting them.

    Because they're just so perfect without it.

    Alright then....I'll probably post another one shortly for your input.
  2. Sneed

    Sneed Guest

    I'd appreciate a little feedback on this piece if you're inclined. Just trying to get a feel for what I've got to do to get better in this business. What have I done right, what could be done better? I like stories like this, stories of people who have been impacted by sports even if they no longer play. Have a couple of feature columns in this vein.
  3. PeteyPirate

    PeteyPirate Guest

    First of all, mulatto is not a skin color. Second of all, its use in the United States is considered antiquated in general and possibly offensive to some.

    In the paragraph before you appear to decry stereotypes of black males, you write that he "... looks like another Wilson thug ..." So are you validating the stereotype? Cognitive dissonance.

    What condescending glances? You mention something about them, but don't really back it up with any facts or an anecdote. It falls flat.

    Since he began writing at age 23, Marcel’s cranked out eight novels, 2,500 poems (1,900 released over nine CDs), and surviving and thriving in his writer’s life….which was more challenging than rewarding in the beginning.

    He cranked out novels. He cranked out poems. He did not crank out surviving and thriving.

    Finally, the basketball angle comes out of nowhere. Hell, I wanted to be a professional soccer player, but the farthest I got was my high school team. It doesn't mean that I sit around and think about what might have been if I had chosen that path, because that path wasn't available to me. Aquinas and Morris Brown isn't exactly a pedigree, and the NBA has nothing to do with this story.

    There is more, but I don't have time to deconstruct it all.

    EDIT: I can't go away without saying this. The fact that you ended it with him quoting the wisdom of Ashton Kutcher is unintentionally hilarious.
  4. Sneed

    Sneed Guest

    Thanks man.

    The grammar error there is atrocious....don't know how that was missed.

    The column was just a unique look at a high-profile entertainer who came by our school. My idea was simply to show how someone can go from living for one thing to becoming something else entirely, and loving who they become.

    I guess my idea wasn't well-executed. Oh well. Live and learn.

    And if you knew Ashton Kutcher's success story, you might find it less hilarious. But I see what you mean.
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