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College basketball game column

Discussion in 'Writers' Workshop' started by flashing lights, Feb 26, 2008.

  1. flashing lights

    flashing lights New Member

    Never written one before (I'm a jr., writing for the college paper). Thanks in advance for any feedback...

    HANOVER, N.H. --

    I didn't see the Dartmouth scouting report, but I doubt Joe Gill's name was on it.

    The senior guard's participation is usually limited to a couple of dunks in warm-ups and the ritual "frisking" of the captain during the lineup introduction.

    On his best days, he plays a full minute, maybe two in a Penn blowout. Friday was one of those days.

    Gill, subbed in for good with 2:30 to play, squared up for an NBA three-pointer with a minute to go and caught nothing but net.

    The Penn bench reacted like it had just won on The Price is Right.

    It's a liberating feeling, being out of the title race.

    ***

    Dartmouth coach Terry Dunn did not change his expression. Why should he have? It wasn't the first time an anonymous blue jersey had drained a three with a Green defender one step behind.

    "Their players that don't usually make threes, made threes," lamented Dartmouth captain Johnathan Ball. To anyone who hadn't just witnessed Penn shoot 12-of-17 from deep, Ball would've sounded like a sore loser.

    But hey, he was right.

    Justin Reilly's outside game probably hadn't been weighing on Dunn's mind. Andreas Schreiber's three-point percentage (.174) going into the weekend was a fine LSAT score but not so good for basketball. Both hit from deep on Friday night.

    "It was … frustrating," said Dartmouth's DeVon Mosley, searching for a word that wouldn't earn him a punishment of some kind.

    Penn coach Glen Miller had even less insight. How do you explain a team shooting 70 percent from deep when it had been shooting 30? Getting 12 threes when three weeks ago Dartmouth held Penn to zero threes?

    Miller couldn't. In a season that has brought grind-it-out wins at best and 6-points-at-the-half-to-FGCU at worst, a blowout didn't need to come with a detailed debriefing.

    "I was surprised with the deficit," he said. "This year, you can never quite trust your team … even that big lead [can be] fool's gold."

    ***

    No explanation necessary for Brian Grandieri, either. Senior year has been as difficult as predicted. After back-to-back championships the last two years, he's carried an entire team on his torn meniscus, for better or worse.

    His postgame demeanor has shown it. This season, he went from condescension ("Some time you gotta man up … we don't have those guys yet") to quiet acceptance. Title number three - he missed Penn's 2004-2005 campaign with a torn ACL - is not coming his way.

    Friday night, he was liberated to Stage Three. "Tell them about the pushups!" he cracked, cutting off his teammate Schreiber in mid-response. "He was doing pushups [in the bathroom] before the game."

    For once, the focus wasn't on trying to extract the Zoller and Jaaber from Reilly and Schreiber.

    No Tournament seed to worry about. No scoreboard-watching. On this night, a win over Dartmouth was grounds for celebration, not muted relief.

    After all, if the 17th man can hit threes, can things really be that bad?
     
  2. verbalkint

    verbalkint Member

    flashing lights -- Not a bad effort for a first one. My edits are in caps, with a summary at the end.



    HANOVER, N.H. --

    I didn't see the Dartmouth scouting report, but I doubt Joe Gill's name was on it. (I GET WHAT YOU'RE GOING FOR, BUT THIS READS PRETTY WEAK. AS A COLUMNIST YOU'RE SAYING YOU DIDN'T SEE SOMETHING, AND YOU DOUBT SOMETHING. BE DEFINITIVE, AND, IN A COLUMN, COLORFUL IN YOUR LEAD. EVEN SOMETHING LIKE, "LET'S ASSUME JOE GILL'S NAME WAS NOT ON THE DARMOUTH SCOUTING REPORT" REMOVES THE COMMA AND GETS US MOVING.)

    The senior guard's participation is usually limited to a couple of dunks in warm-ups and the ritual "frisking" of the captain during the lineup introduction.

    On his best days, he plays a full minute, maybe two in a Penn blowout. Friday was one of those days. ("ON HIS BEST DAYS" SEEMS MISLEADING -- "IF HE'S LUCKY"? ALSO, IF I CAN NITPICK, ARE THESE DAYS OR NIGHTS?)

    Gill, subbed in for good with 2:30 to play, squared up for an NBA three-pointer with a minute to go and caught nothing but net. (NBA THREE-POINTER MIGHT NOT REGISTER WITH SOME PEOPLE. GIVE ME A DISTANCE ESTIMATE -- 23 FEET? A FULL STEP BEHIND THE LINE?)

    The Penn bench reacted like it had just won on The Price is Right.

    It's a liberating feeling, being out of the title race. (COUPLE POINTS HERE - 1) WHAT YOU'RE SAYING MAY BE ABSOLUTELY CORRECT, THAT THE BENCH REACTED IN SUCH A WAY BECAUSE THEY ARE JUST TRYING TO HAVE FUN NOW. BUT YOU'LL GET INTO TROUBLE IF YOU MAKE ASSUMPTIONS WITHOUT REPORTING. CAN PLAYERS CONFIRM THIS? AND 2) IT'S NOT ALL THAT LIBERATING FOR THE COACH, WHO MAY BE THINKING ABOUT JOB SECURITY.)

    ***

    Dartmouth coach Terry Dunn did not change his expression. Why should he have? It wasn't the first time an anonymous blue jersey had drained a three with a Green defender one step behind.

    "Their players that don't usually make threes, made threes," lamented Dartmouth captain Johnathan Ball. To anyone who hadn't just witnessed Penn shoot 12-of-17 from deep, Ball would've sounded like a sore loser. (DITCH "LAMENTED" FOR "SAID." I DON'T GO WITH OTHERS ON THIS BOARD WHEN THEY SAY, "ALWAYS USED SAID," BUT IN THIS CASE LAMENTED FEELS UNECESSARY.)

    But hey, he was right.

    Justin Reilly's outside game probably hadn't been weighing on Dunn's mind. Andreas Schreiber's three-point percentage (.174) going into the weekend was a fine LSAT score but not so good for basketball. Both hit from deep on Friday night. (I'LL WRITE THE "LSAT" JOKE OFF AS EAST COAST ELITIST HUMOR, BUT IT TOTALLY FAILS ON ME. I GUESS YOU KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE.)

    "It was … frustrating," said Dartmouth's DeVon Mosley, searching for a word that wouldn't earn him a punishment of some kind.

    Penn coach Glen Miller had even less insight. How do you explain a team shooting 70 percent from deep when it had been shooting 30? Getting 12 threes when three weeks ago Dartmouth held Penn to zero threes?

    Miller couldn't. In a season that has brought grind-it-out wins at best and 6-points-at-the-half-to-FGCU at worst, a blowout didn't need to come with a detailed debriefing. (DITCH "THAT HAS BROUGHT" FOR "OF". ALSO, "DETAILED DEBRIEFING" IS WORDY.)

    "I was surprised with the deficit," he said. "This year, you can never quite trust your team … even that big lead [can be] fool's gold."

    ***

    No explanation necessary for Brian Grandieri, either. Senior year has been as difficult as predicted. (MISSING "HIS" AT THE BEGINNING.) After back-to-back championships the last two years, he's carried an entire team on his torn meniscus, for better or worse. (MIS-LEADING. I'LL ASSUME HE TORE IT AND GOT IT REPAIRED, AND NOT THAT HE IS LITERALLY PLAYING WITH IT INJURED.)

    His postgame demeanor has shown it. This season, he went from condescension ("Some time you gotta man up … we don't have those guys yet") to quiet acceptance. Title number three - he missed Penn's 2004-2005 campaign with a torn ACL - is not coming his way.

    Friday night, he was liberated to Stage Three. "Tell them about the pushups!" he cracked, cutting off his teammate Schreiber in mid-response. "He was doing pushups [in the bathroom] before the game."

    For once, the focus wasn't on trying to extract the Zoller and Jaaber from Reilly and Schreiber. (SOME MIGHT NITPICK THAT YOU'RE JUST USING LAST NAMES ON ZOLLER AND JAABER -- WHO ARE NOT EXACTLY "JORDAN AND PIPPEN" -- BUT I'LL LET IT GO FOR RHYTHYM'S SAKE.)

    No Tournament seed to worry about. No scoreboard-watching. On this night, a win over Dartmouth was grounds for celebration, not muted relief.

    After all, if the 17th man can hit threes, can things really be that bad?


    --

    Okay, some good stuff here. On first read I'd say it's numbers-heavy, which will lose you every casual sports fan. Also, you're doing something that can be very easy to fall into: making a habit of one- and two-sentence paragraphs. When you read a great column or story, and it delivers a great line or piece of information in a short graph, you can see the power in that. So the assumption is, more short graphs, more power. But I'd argue that the power of a short graph comes from its boldness and the fact that it stands alone, and the more often you use it, the more regular it seems.

    I'd say the same about the section breaks: use them sparingly, as they're almost an easy way out instead of finding a transition.

    Also -- and I think John Feinstein treaded into this in "The Last Amateurs" -- but when I think Ivy League basketball, I don't think of shooting percentages, I think of IQs. (LSATs, if you will.) I'd assume that the 17th guy on the Penn bench, someone who's still not playing much as a senior, is a pretty interesting guy. Probably got a bright future somewhere outside of basketball, probably got a pretty good take on the ups and downs of the season. And I would've liked a bit more from him.

    You're writing a context column, trying to put this game into place within their season, and I would've liked some context quotes rather than run-of-the-mill postgame stuff.

    Now, to the good. I love the Grandieri stuff near the end. The idea of watching a good player's postgame quote progression as the season drags on is a great one. In fact I think you could've blown it up, with even more examples.

    Also, your inclusion of him acting out at the end is good. That stuff is pure gold to readers, because it's access that they'll never get. You can't print enough of that back-and-forth between players and coaches.

    Good work, and I hope this helps. Thanks.
     
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