Coach's preemie story

Kudos to all here, and thanks to everyone for posting. This is exactly what this Workshop is for.

 

Wow, Ty, great story. I literally had tears rolling down my cheeks as I sat here reading it. I couldn't agree more with BYH when he said, "By remaining in the present tense, even when talking about events that occurred several weeks ago, you felt the optimism of the Kirks and got the reader hoping, even though he knew the ending, that there would be a happy ending." I kind of cringed at the stuff in the present tense, but only because I knew how it ended and it was heartbreaking.

Yes, there are some rough edges. I think most of them have been covered, so I won't waste time with them. I'm sure the final product is going to be something that will move a great many people.

 

Ty, really good job. I was losing it here. The scene where they bathe him one last time -- God, I can't imagine.

I'm going to suggest something that might be completely off-base, but maybe give it a little thought. Your access was obviously fantastic. I also like the present tense.

I say go the whole way with it.

Cut off the entire first section. Your lede is Halloween night. Let us see and feel their panic -- that will get readers reading.

Then have the baby grow with us, that's your middle -- hopes and dreams -- I think this boy will do something special, all in the present tense, as you have it.

Zach comes home, all present, all so hopeful.

And then, the way it hit the parents, like a ton of bricks, hit us with his loss. Don't tell us that he's gone up top. He has to make it, right? This baby has to make it. That's how these stories always work.

Except this one, this time, the baby doesn't make it. I think readers need to feel how much this baby's death hurt -- after all that work, all that time beside him, finally we get to see him home, the reward, and then, just like that, in a breath, he's gone.

And you close the way you've closed it, how the family is now -- in some ways more complete, in other ways, forever incomplete.

All chronological, all present tense. Halloween night through today.

Now, you know this story better than I do, obviously. You've done a great job, and if this story ran as it is, you would every right to be proud of it. But again...

Let us see through you every step of the journey, feeling it as you did, as the parents did -- that roller coaster. Let us ride it with you. Don't give anything away. A journey like this, each day -- each chapter -- brings something unexpected. Sometimes it's something beautiful. Sometimes it's heartbreaking. Because you don't know which it's going to be, the feelings are that much stronger. It was for you, and I think it should be for us, too.

 

Mr Webb,

I think Jones is right here -- your working lede (with the cut of the contradiction I suggested) is probably better set as the nut section and a scene at the top (probably the one he mentions) putting the reader in media res would give it immediacy.

YD&OHS, etc

 

This is definitely worth trying and pretty much what I had in mind with the present tense.

Ty, if I were you, I'd keep your current version in a folder and save as a couple of times that will allow you to experiment. First, change it to present tense all the way through to see how that turns out and then, in your third version, try what Jones is saying.

See what you like best.

 

Would the headline ruin the suprise of the child passing away?

 

That and the photos. I don't think you're going to be able to completely hide that fact. But I do like the immediacy present tense gives you. Past tense makes it sound like every other story visited by a reporter days after the fact.

 

Mr Devil,

In the ham hands of the wrong editor but not a question the writer should ask.

YD&OHS, etc

 

Ty,

You've done a great job so far, and I know you're working hard to improve your story all the more.

Here are my suggestions/questions:

-- First, I think it might help to get slightly more descriptive up high, with what the family was going through on Holloween night, as others have noted. I'd also suggest detailing, maybe in the ''Second Family'' part, a little more about the sights/sounds of the NICU, particularly as they pertained to Zach and his parents. Did you yourself spend any time there? Even though the unit is mentioned and brought into the story a lot, I can't really tell that for sure.

If you didn't, or if you weren't there when Zach was, I would see if you've got some notes/quotes -- or could get them -- regarding descriptions or concerns about them from the nurse, and/or parents. Maybe, in the part where Jessica talks about just spending time with him and learning how to care for him. Did she have to be especially careful not to move any of the lung/body tubes? Or is there not much danger of that, unless it's pointedly done, because of how they're put in? Was she afraid of that? Could she hear the machines and/or his breathing? Did he sound like Darth Vader? No? When you say he struggled to breathe, can you describe, or get mom to describe how his little chest heaved, or his hands curled with the effort, and watch did the parents go through, watching that? Did she or can she verbalize any fear about not hearing those machine/breathing sounds? Was she allowed to hold the baby an hour a day? 24 hours a day? Or only for some pre-ascertained amount of time? Did the parents ever/always have to wear a protective facemask/gloves? Could they ever kiss him, without said protective gear on?

Not trying to nitpick, and maybe all this happened, no big deal. But the point is, most people haven't been inside a NICU. We know what it's for, intellectually, but we haven't been there. It would really help put us there if we could visualize/hear the scene more, instead of just referencing it. Perhaps you have some quotes that may help this along.

-- Also, you were wondering about descriptions, and where/how to use them. I liked the detail of mentioning Maddie Grace's Halloween costume, but I think it's in the wrong place. Maybe you could put it at the end of the line about when her grandparents took her home late that night. Something like this:

''Jessica and Kyle spent the rest of the night in the hospital with their new son while Kyle’s parents took Maddie, still dressed in an elephant costume, (if that was, indeed, the case, of course) home around 11 p.m.''

I also find myself wanting a few more small but significant details. You mention that Zach is no bigger than a 20-ounce bottle of soda. This is terrific imagery. But still, I'd like to know, exactly how long was he at birth? It's a typical part of any description of a newborn, and a detail that should be provided -- particularly in this case, when a baby is so premature, and probably, tiny, that people would be especially curious. I don't have a 20-oz. bottle here at home, but I just measured a 24-oz. bottle of water that I do have, and it's 10 inches tall. If any baby isn't even that long, that's a significant piece of information. But again, the point is, don't make the reader guess, as I was trying to do by pulling out my 24-oz bottled water and a ruler.

Just include the fact of his height/length in that same graf: ...He was no bigger than a 20-ounce bottle of soda -- eight inches (or whatever) long, to be exact.'' (Or something along those lines. Changes are mine).

-- As for descriptions of the parents/family, other questions I have that might be pertinent: Has Jessica had any miscarriages or premature or complicated cesarean births before? Mothers with preemies often have a history of them. Were there any issues with the pregnancy or birth with Maddie Grace? If so, or even if not, this kind of info should be worked into the story. Did they know, before the baby was born, that it would be a boy? Five months along is right around when parents can usually find out a baby's sex, but had Kyle and Jessica done that yet?

-- Regarding the baby's medical conditions and death: You mention ROP. Was Zach determined to be blind, or, if not, what was the level of his sight, as best it could determined? Did that surgery correct that problem entirely, or partially, or what?

How much -- again, exactly -- did he weigh, and what was his general health when he went home? Was he still on oxygen (or even some kind of portable respirator) that they were to use there, along with all his medications? (I don't know if bronchodysplasia is something that ever goes away. Was the baby breathing on his own, at all, by the time he went home?)

And what, exactly, was his determined/cited cause of death once disconnected from the respirator? Or was he dead on arrival and doctors were just hoping to revive him, give him another chance? You never really made it clear whether the CPR actually worked, even briefly, or not.

Anyway, was his death due to the brochopulmonary dysplasia? Lung failure? Bad heart? Both, or some other problem? Perhaps SIDS, to which he may have been especially vulnerable, just because of his circumstances/conditions?

I only ask these questions because I'm assuming the hospital wouldn't have sent the baby home if it hadn't thought he was ready, as much as was possible, and that his death may have been something of a shock, even despite his prematurity. I know this isn't an investigative piece, and isn't the point of the story. But I think the questions kind of beg to be asked, and answered, at least nominally, and even if not for print.

-- It'd also be good to see/hear a little more about the discussion -- whether brief or lengthy -- and the emotions regarding the decision to pull the plug. I wonder if there was any organ donation, or if that was even a possibility at all. Had the parents come to a previously discussed understanding about when or under what conditions they would take their son off the respirator?

-- And, just something to catch, but it's important, in this sentence: ''Many of Zach’s updates focused on his lung strength. He was born with bronchopulmonary dysplasia, a lung condition that forced Zach to live ON (not off) a ventilator.

Oh, and Zach's web page? I predict it's going to get many more hits before -- and especially, after -- you're finished with this thing.

Kudos to you for a great, great first draft, and a terrific effort all around. Don't let all my questions, nits or picks fool you, or derail you.

Just use your best judgment when it comes to taking, or leaving, all of our advice and suggestions. It has certainly stood you in good stead so far.

 

Wow, thanks to everyone who posted on this. It is certainly a lot to digest, so I'm glad I have some time to do so. Like jmacg, this is what the writer's workshop should be.

I am going to pour over these comments, bring some up with my editor, and we'll see what we come up with.

Thanks again to everyone.

EDIT: You know, it's funny that you mention the lede and possibly cutting it. Before Zach died, when I was working on the story that was going to have a happy ending, the beginning of the Halloween section was the lede. I don't know why, but I felt like there needed to be something before it to kind of welcome the reader to the story, something a little more smooth than just throwing them into that night.

 

Ty, I can see your point there, but I agree with Jones' suggestion as well. I just took a read through starting with the Halloween section and I think it works better that way as well. You can take the reader through events as they happened, which will help draw them into the story even more.

Don't get me wrong. What you have works. It's worth taking a run through it the other way just to see if it works better.

 

allow me to echo the above—i think it's better starting at halloween. really nice work. i don't envy you having to write it, but then again i kind of do, if that makes sense. good job.