Cheer up an old fart with insults, please

Grampa and Granny have gone to bed.

After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."

Granny rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football... I just scored."

A few minutes later Granny lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be out done Granny rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and Granny lets out a squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."

Now the pressure's on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail.

Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he has, but instead of farting, he poops the bed. Granny looks and says, "What the heck was that?"

The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."

 

A true story from when Granny was a young woman, still a virgin, and talking to her granny:

There was this virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. So, the grandmother says sit here and
let me tell you about those young boys.

He is going to try to kiss you, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that.

He is going to try to feel your breast, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that.

He is going to try to put his hand between your legs, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that.

But most important, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that but, don't let him do that, it will disgrace the family.

With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.

So, the next day she told her grandmother that her date went just like she said it would. Then she added "Grandmother I didn't let him disgrace the family.
When he tried I turned over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."

 

Funny, E.

In the same spirit, Granny, you old whore, here's another ...

There once was a little boy who was celebrating his 11th birthday.

He decided to test his family to see if they remembered his birthday, so he goes downstairs to his father. "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today", the boy said.

The father has no clue and finally gives up. "I'm eleven!" the boy exclaims.

Next he goes in the kitchen, walks up to his grandma, and says, "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today".

"Let me give it a guess", grandma says and sticks her hand in his trousers.

She plays with his testicles for about an hour or so (squeezing them; moving them back and forth), takes her hand out of his trousers, and says, "You're eleven years old".

"How did you know?" the boy asked.

Grandma replied, "I heard you tell your father".

 

Granny, your meat flaps are so withered and dry, they were the inspiration for the jazz standard "Autumn Leaves." And that song was written in the 1940s.

 

Nice. But I prefer steak drapes.

 

I thought they were called meat curtains.

 

Granny's so old she goes without a bra to remove the wrinkles in her face.

 

In this case, more like beef jerky after a long summer spent drying on a windy mountaintop in Southeast California.

 

Granny's, uh, pie is minced meat.