Cancer

Pallister, I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. The only real words of wisdom I can give you is to make sure your father enjoys his time. My brother died in December of 2003 from cancer, and while he was receiving treatments, he made a point to keep doing the things he loved, like photography. If your Dad loves baseball, try and make sure he gets to as many games (or sees as many games) as possible. If he loves music, make sure he gets as many CDs as possible. Just make sure he spends his days doing what he really loves.

 

Pallister, I am truly, truly sorry about your news. In 2003, cancer killed my father on July 8 after he was diagnosed on February 23. He was 45.

Spend as much time with your father in these last days as you can. If he feels like it, take him out for a cup of coffee or a ballgame. Make him happy.

 

It sure seems like everyone has been involved with cancer one way or the other. Last summer, my mom found out she had breast cancer. She got a masectomy July 5, had chemo in the fall and now her energy level is coming back, as is the hair. Tomorrow she's getting her port out.

She's on the right track and her spirits are at the highest since this all started.

I only say this, not to rub it in, but to show that people can overcome this horrific circumstance.

Of course, when she was getting chemo, it did not limit her calls to me in the fall, bitching about "those fucking Browns."

Anyway, my thoughts and prayers are with everyone here. Pallister, I'm very sorry to hear what you're going through and hopefully by people sharing their stories or concerns with you, it gives you a few moments in the day you feel slightly better.

 

A very close member of my immediate family is fighting it. She's relatively young (early 50s). It's like two steps forward, one step back, or, unfortunately, vice versa. Everyone's keeping up a brave front, but in private moments I can't help but wonder when or if the day's going to come when we all have to come to grips with the knowledge that it's going to be a losing battle. No matter how busy you are or what you're doing, it's always on your mind. Always. So I can appreciate what you're dealing with, pallister. I know it's no consolation, but a lot of us on here have had to deal with this. Cancer is one motherfucking bitch.

 

Got a similar story with my dad, who died at 63 ... had a pain in his upper back, they found a spot on his lung, he started treatment in January of '89, died at the end of February. Merciless.

 

My sympathies, Pallister. I lost my father to cancer eight years ago. My father-in-law died from cancer two years ago. I hope your father and your family are far more fortunate.

I don't know what the doctors are saying in this case, but I do have one positive story. Not long after I met the woman who is now my wife, I brought my best friend and his girlfriend over to meet her. We all had dinner and rented a movie together.

I walk them out and when I return, I find her in tears. The doctors had found a lump in her breast and she had to wait a few days to find out if it was cancer. To her, it seemed like a death sentence if it was.

I told her if that was true, my best friend would have never been able to visit. He was diagnosed with a very aggressive form of cancer when he was in middle school, but he beat it. (By the way, now in his mid-30s, he is still cancer-free). That seemed to calm her a bit and it turned out the lump was not cancerous.

Doctors told my father he had five months and he lasted six. They told my father-in-law the same thing and he was gone four months later. They told my best friend his chances were not good, but he's as healthy as ever 20 years later. He even has a daughter even though they told him there was no way he would be able to father a child due to the radiation therapy.

The point being, ask a lot of questions. Inform yourself. Be there for your father and try to help him enjoy every minute he has left. Don't tear yourself up over what will be. Deal with what is happening now and helping your family through it.

 

Been through cancer twice now with very dear relatives. You can't predict how long you have to prepare. My advice is to start now.

Your thoughts will be dominated by your dad, and rightfully so. But I can't stress it enough how important it is to take care of yourself, too. Whatever helps you prepare, whatever helps you grieve, whatever helps you accept -- you need to do that for yourself.

Your own peace of mind is of utmost importance.

When it's time, your dad will be gone but he will be at peace. Putting yours off and having it slap you in the face when he's gone makes death -- such an inevitability of life -- even harder to deal with. It doesn't have to be.

Cherish the moments you have left, make him happy, do whatever he wants, and appreciate all the time you can spend with him.

But do so with the knowledge that he won't always be there, and the peace of mind that you can accept that. Good luck, and my thoughts go out to you and yours, Pall.

 

Excellent advice. I managed ok when my father passed. It wasn't easy, but I got through it. My wife, however, was a wreck when she lost her dad. She just wasn't ready and it took her a long time to recover.

 

I was 14 when my mother passed. She was 42.

But unlike some of you folks, this was no quick fix. Nearly four years of going through chemo and radiation, the prospect of a bone marrow transplant, ever-changing wigs, a hospital bed in the living room, having the cancer go into remission almost a year, only to return with more fury than ever. Twice.

It's difficult seeing someone you love go through that, particularly a single mom with enough problems (lousy job, low self esteem, an unsupportive boyfriend) at optimum health.

So, I did the only thing I could as an extremely naive, immature and wild teenager. I rode my Dyno (kick ass bike, BTW ) to the store for juice and pain pills. I held her hand. I let her watch whatever she wanted on TV, even when Beavis and Butthead were on.

It wasn't much, and I often regret not doing more. However, I think it helped me cope, simply being in her company, knowing as long as she's still here, I wasn't far.

My thoughts and prayers are with you, pallister.

 

Let me join everyone else in saynig I'm sorry to hear that. I highly recommend you take a couple weeks off and go spend some time with him, hoping he's still lucid enough to have conversations. Watch a ballgame with him. Do whatever he's up to doing. Make sure you get recent memories of good times with him, so the ones of him in a hospital bed won't be quite as prominent. I know from experience with my grandfather that lung cancer routinely metastasizes to the brain, and once it gets to that point, it goes fairly rapidly downhill. Whatever else is going on in your life, it almost certainly can wait. Again, go spend some time with your dad.

 

Pallister, I'm in a similar boat today. Just found out that my grandfather has lung cancer. He's 84, and this is the fourth bout of cancer he's had. First prostate (10 years ago), then eye and throat (both about five years ago) and now this.

The guy's my hero - operated a tank in WWII and still plays tennis once a week - but I doubt I'll be able to say goodbye to him because he's been in Portugal since January. They're going to try to bring him home but there's no guarantee.

Lost all three of my other grandparents to cancer as well.

I guess it's only a matter of time when it comes to my family.

Better enjoy the time you've got.

 

There's really no way to tell what will happen, no matter the diagnosis.

I've seen people go in a matter of weeks after being told and I've seen some - one I know in particular - who were given the "final" diagnosis but still live today, years later. You can attribute one I know for sure to the power of prayer if you wish; I know I do.

I was in the room when my dad died and I'll never forget it. There was a palpable sense of relief that he didn't hurt any more, coupled with some amazement that it wasn't any more dramatic than it was. He slipped away so peacefully ... I was always struck by that.

I echo those who will tell you to spend as much time as you can with him. Talk about the old days. Ask him about his childhood. Listen to his stories and ask him to tell you more. If you're so inclined, pray for a miracle and believe you'll receive one. Sometimes the miracle is that they're released from pain though. Either way, it's a blessing.