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Boys' soccer notebook - Would love feedback

Discussion in 'Writers' Workshop' started by SP7988, Sep 25, 2014.

  1. SP7988

    SP7988 Member

    Hey guys,

    Would love some feedback on my latest notebook: http://www.bostonglobe.com/sports/2014/09/23/coach-bill-altieri-working-his-magic-dennis-yarmouth/aI1W8M9836nmCcT8kGy4aN/story.html

    Any advice is appreciated. Thanks.
  2. Songbird

    Songbird Well-Known Member

    That's a pretty good little vignette. My only quibble, because I'm a numbers guy, is where's his overall record? And perhaps, if possible, how many of his players went on to play in college or beyond. Little things. But it was a nice read.
  3. Riptide

    Riptide Well-Known Member

    Altieri is in his second year at Dennis-Yarmouth.

    Since he's an active coach, identify his current job as part of your lede. This mention should be high in your story, not the 19th graf.
  4. SP7988

    SP7988 Member

    ^I agree. I did have it in the second line of the story though.

    And thanks Songbird. I planned on adding his overall record, but he said he stopped counting after 200. Although I guess it couldn't have hurt to say, "with over 200 wins.." or try to get an estimate of sorts from him.

    As for players, that would have been a good touch. Will keep that in mind going forward.

    Thanks, guys.
  5. Batman

    Batman Well-Known Member

    You could give his record as a brief anecdote, too.
    "About the only thing Altieri can't account for is his record. He says he stopped counting after winning his 200th game in (XXX year)."
    Gives an air of both mythology and humbleness to the guy and covers up the fact there's probably no way to track it down. If he knows when that 200th win was, it can also enhance his mystique if it was a long time ago (which it probably was; even with the breaks to coach in college he likely reached that mark in the 1980s).
  6. BDC99

    BDC99 Well-Known Member

    Yeah, that's good advice, Batman. Good story, and looks like the major points have already been touched on. But I'm a little curious to hear about this seventh Star Wars movie. :)
  7. SP7988

    SP7988 Member

    ^Yeah, I saw a list of them. Didn't realize the 7th movie on that list was "Clone Wars", which was the computer animated movie that came out in 2008. Technically counts, right? haha

    ^Ahh. That sounds so much better. Oh well...good to keep in mind for next time. Thank you.
  8. BDC99

    BDC99 Well-Known Member

    I feared you might say that. :) Just pretend you meant Episode VII, which comes out next year. He'll still be coaching there, I'm sure.
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