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Biggest piss-job on Bonds to date

Discussion in 'Sports and News' started by PhilaYank36, Jul 18, 2007.

  1. PhilaYank36

    PhilaYank36 Guest

    • Since I couldn't find the link to this column, I'm retyping it, verbatim. Basically, I love every single word he wrote.

      Giving Barry His Due
      Rick Reilly, SI - 7/23/2007

      Never seen anything like this Fake Break, this Barry Bonds home run record hype. It's like a man robbing a bank and then having a giant party to watch him count the money.

      But some dark day soon -- and let's hope it's not in front of the Kool-Aid chuggers in San Francisco -- Bonds will hit number 756, and the game will be stopped for a queasy kind of ceremony and the news channels will break away to show it and everybody will be trying to decide whether to stand up or throw up.

      So how do you commemorate a dishonest moment produced by a man who has denied using performance enhancers despite a silo of evidence to the contrary? Not to worry. We're here to help.

      As Bonds is running the bases, feel free to...
      • Light one of his baseball cards and hold it up like a Bic at a concert
      • Catch the ball and throw it back [somewhere, Zach Hample is crying]. You'll never have to pay for a beer the rest of your life.
      • Hold up four fingers on each hand -- 44 -- Hank Aaron's number.
      • Hold up a big sign: SEVEN FILTHY SIX (Hope the NY Post & Daily News has Reilly's address to send him royalties checks)
      • Women, pull a black veil over your face. Men, pin on a black carnation.
      • Call the Federal Correctional Institution in Dublin, Calif., and ask to speak to Greg Anderson. He's the convicted steroids dealer -- and Bonds' personal trainer and "friend" -- who's spent 10 months in jail for refusing to testify before a grand jury looking into possible perjury and tax-evasion charges against Bonds. Ask Anderson what he's going to want from Bonds when he gets out. Like, say, Florida.
      • Call the Hall of Fame and ask which cap will appear on Bonds' head in his Cooperstown exhibit -- the size 7, the 7 1/2 or the 8?
      • Pull out a copy of Game of Shadows -- by San Francisco Chronicle writers Mark Fainaru-Wada and Lance Williams -- and begin reading aloud how Bonds used steroids, human growth hormone, insulin, testosterone decanoate, bovine steroids and female fertility drugs to help him set this record. And then watch Bonds step on home and point to God.
      • If you're watching on TV, flip to something a little more plausible, like MacGyver.
      • Hold up a big sign that says 650, which is about how many home runs Bonds would have if you replaced the homer totals from his alleged juicing years (1999 through 2004) with his pre-juice pace of 32 per season.
      • Send rabbits' fee, four-leaf clovers and two-headed pennies to Alex Rodriguez and Ken Griffey, Jr., letting them know that you're pulling for them to pass Bonds like he's a hitchhiker in an orange jumpsuit.
      • Hold up a big sign: FLAXSEED WORKS!
      • Jump onto the field and give commissioner Bud Selig a hug (*shudders*), for he's a Milwaukee native who loved watching Hank Aaron, and his fondest wish was probably to see Bonds fall down an elevator shaft.
      • Get Bonds' autograph at the ballpark -- on the bottom of an affidavit that reads, I set this record with the help of performanc-enhancing drugs. I am a very large jerk for doing so.
      • Squirt juice out of a giant syringe.
      • Remind yourself that they put a gold medal around Ben Johnson's neck for a while, too.

      The truth is, it won't matter what we do. We live in an era when our Crap Detectors must always have fresh batteries. Every day we use them to decide which numbers are real and which are fake -- $90 Enron stock, Donald Trump's handicap and 36 double D's on 100-pound women. And we know this number is fake. And this celebration is fake. And this feat is fake.

      Remember this: The man who held the record before Bonds -- one of the most principled and honorable men you will ever meet -- is reluctant to even speak to Bonds on the phone, much less be there to witness the record breaker. Just because a thief paints over a masterpiece doesn't mean the masterpiece isn't still underneath.

      And when the Fake Break is finally over and the confetti is swept up, Barry bonds will have to go back to the one place where even he doesn't believe his lies.

      His mirror.
  2. cranberry

    cranberry Well-Known Member

    Or you could just marvel at the best hitter of our generation.
  3. Chi City 81

    Chi City 81 Guest

    It's amazing what modern science can accomplish, isn't it?
  4. zeke12

    zeke12 Guest

    No offense, cran, but I like Rick's column better.
  5. Anyone else watch the Derby and see all the lefties struggling to hit the ball out to right, let alone into the bay?

    PEDs alone cannot explain the incredible things Bonds does with a bat.
  6. HejiraHenry

    HejiraHenry Well-Known Member

    fixed, for me at least ...
  7. zeke12

    zeke12 Guest

    Which makes it worse. He was a HOF player without steroids. You won't get much argument about that from serious baseball fans.

    But he had to turn himself into FrankenBarry and taint his entire career.
  8. CentralIllinoisan

    CentralIllinoisan Active Member

    You run 20 miles of a marathon and drive a car the final six, you aren't a champion; you're a cheater.
  9. LiveStrong

    LiveStrong Active Member

    Yeah, but it's really hard to run 20 miles, so it should still count as a win.
  10. TyWebb

    TyWebb Well-Known Member

    No one is denying he is a great hitter, but he certainly has had some chemical help with pushing the ball over the fence.
  11. BTExpress

    BTExpress Well-Known Member


  12. PhilaYank36

    PhilaYank36 Guest

    I take it that you're being sarcastic. For those that use TJ as a counter-argument, John suffered a legit injury and he needed to have that ligament replaced in order to continue his career. PEDs are for insecure cowards who refuse to see nature's writing on the wall that their time has come and their playing days are over. I'm a man of few absolutes, but to me, this is one of those few.
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