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Basketball gamer critique

Discussion in 'Writers' Workshop' started by williemcgee51, Apr 14, 2008.

  1. This is a couple months old, but I was wondering if I could get some feedback. I thought this was OK, any suggestions would be great. I really want to improve ...

    The relieved look on Central Catholic coach Jason Welch’s face as he left the locker room made it known that this was no ordinary victory.

    It was a breakthrough one.

    After falling short the previous four trips in regionals, Welch finally was able to cut down the nets. He did so after Central Catholic’s 74-66 win over Williamsville in the Class 2A Riverton Regional championship at the Hawk Center Friday night.

    Top-seeded Central Catholic (25-3) advances to Tuesday’s 7:30 p.m. sectional semifinal against 10th-ranked Macomb in Petersburg. The Bombers won the Camp Point Central Regional with a 58-52 victory over Pittsfield.

    “I feel great for him,” Central Catholic senior Jeff Collier said. “We hope we can get a sectional championship for him, too.”

    Welch will gladly take this victory, though.

    “I’ll be honest, it feels really good,” said Welch, who did not win a regional in his previous stint at Villa Grove.

    “And the best part about it is we won it with such a great group of kids. They’ve worked and worked and worked. That’s what makes it special. It’s a special group.”

    It’s a resilient group, too. The Saints entered the second half with a 29-25 lead even though they controlled most of the first half.

    “We looked out at the scoreboard and were only up four so we wanted to come out in the second half with a ton of energy and put them away,” said Central Catholic junior Tom Norton.

    The third quarter seemed to put Williamsville away. Flawless execution enabled Central Catholic to score on its first six possessions of the half.

    In that span, the Saints made all six shot attempts, forced four turnovers and increased their lead to 42-26. Better yet, Central Catholic had five assists during the run.

    “Our guys really shared the ball tonight,” Welch said. “That’s when we’re really good. If we share, we can do some nice things.”

    Still, the Saints could not take control. The Bullets (23-7) eventually cut what was once a 17-point deficit down to nine early in the fourth by hitting free throws and limiting Central Catholic to two points in a three-minute span.

    “I still felt like we could come back and do this,” said Williamsville coach Eric Buerkett, whose team was paced by Brandon Donnelly’s 29 points. “We made a game of it.”

    Somehow, Central Catholic remained composed. The Saints never let the lead slip below nine and went 10 of 13 from the charity stripe over the last 3 minutes, 8 seconds.

    “No matter what the score is, we know we can come through in the end,” said Norton, who scored 25 points on 7-of-9 shooting. “Tonight, they made a couple runs at us and we held them off and came out on top.”

    Collier finished with a team-high 27 points and grabbed six rebounds. Aaron Garriott scored 14 points with 10 assists. The Saints shot 52.1 percent (25 of 48) from the field and had 17 assists.

    This marks the third straight year Central Catholic has won a regional title. The last time the Saints won three straight was from 1982-84 under John Snyder.

    “It’s a big win for our program,” Welch said. “Our kids feel great.”
  2. Stone Cane

    Stone Cane Member

    ok, i'm thoroughly confused.

    you wrote that Welch failed in four previous trips to regionals

    then finish by saying this is the third straight year central catholic has won regionals

    that's very confusing. I assume he's a new coach at central catholic? you need to explain that. you do mention lower down that he didn't win any titles at villa grove, but when i finish the story, i wonder what happened to the previous coach, who apparently won regional titles in his last two seasons? maybe refer to welch as "first-year Central Catholic coach". you need to clarify the coaching change thing somehow

    ok, the lead ... wouldn't any coach after a regional championship game look relieved? the "made it known that" structure is clunky.

    pet peeve of mine is the use of "advances" instead of "advanced" in "top-seeded Central Catholic (25-3) advances to...." why change tenses? they advanced.

    "Somehow, Central Catholic remained composed." Omit the word "somehow."

    and never use "charity stripe." ever.

    and nobody ever "grabbed" rebounds.

    and this sentence: "The third quarter seemed to put Williamsville away." Did the third quarter seem to put Williamsville away? Or did Central Catholic seem to put Williamsville away in the third quarter? I assume the latter. A quarter can't put a team away (or seem to).

    i like that you quoted the losing coach. wayyyy too many HS stories don't have a quote from losing locker room. there's a bit much play by play but in a tournament gamer, i'm ok with it

    the writing is tight, which is good since you only had about 530 words. but you probably have a few too many stats in there. the quotes are short, which is good when you have limited space. i'm guessing you didn't use a tape recorder, which is good. too many quotes in short stories is another pet peeve.

    not bad at all ... few things easily cleaned up
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