Bart Starr comes to visit

Wasn't sure if I could do more with this...and I had so much between Starr and Bratkowski, it took a little while to get going.



To Arnold football coach James Hale, the most important pass Bart Starr threw wasn't for the Alabama Crimson Tide or the Green Bay Packers.

It was to him, during an offseason during the 1960s.

Hale met his boyhood idol Thursday for the first time since that encounter more than 40 years ago. Starr and his former Green Bay Packers' teammate Zeke Bratkowski were at Arnold to talk football.

During one summer in the mid-1960s, neither Hale nor Starr recall which year, Starr was in Montgomery, Ala., visiting his parents, who lived a few blocks from Hale's family. One afternoon, the NFL star took to a local field to get in some running when he was spotted by a group of young boys, including Hale.

They approached the all-Pro, and Starr played catch with them.

"We ran home and got a piece of paper and got his autograph on it and Mama kept it in the Bible because you'd tell people, ‘Yeah, Bart Starr was throwing passes to us and they'd be like, ‘Yeah right,''" Hale said. "Then we'd stick out that autograph and say, ‘Look, he signed an autograph for us.'

"That was in the '60s, and he was on national TV and they were winning Super Bowls. He was a local hero there, heck, all over the country."

Hale attended the same high school as Starr, whose father was first sergeant for Hale's father at Maxwell Air Force Base.

These days, Bratkowski, 76, who backed up Starr, 74, for the Packers, lives in Santa Rosa Beach. Starr owns a vacation home in Sandestin. Both are retired.

Starr can't remember the last time he threw a football. He retired three years ago from working in the health care real estate business. He still acts as a consultant.

Starr and his wife, Cherry, donate most of their time to charitable organizations, including the Rawhide Boys Ranch, which Starr helped launch in 1965.

After 17 years playing and 26 coaching, Bratkowski still works with young quarterbacks. He spends most of his spring readying some of college football's finest for the NFL Draft. This year, he worked with LSU's Matt Flynn and Tennessee's Erik Ainge. He's tutored the likes of Michael Vick, Phillip Rivers and former Alabama slinger Brodie Croyle.

Bratkowski's and Starr's careers began to overlap while the two were in college. Starr played at Alabama and Bratkowski at Georgia. The two were united during the 1963 season when Bratkowski was traded from the Los Angeles Rams to the Packers.

"As soon as I got traded to Green Bay we were working that night," Bratkowski said. "When I landed, we were watching films together. It's never ended."

The two have remained close since their Packer days. Their wives are good friends, and the men said they're like brothers.

"It's wonderful," Starr said. "That's why we chose to have a condo down here so we can be near him and his wife. This man has been a friend and mentor for many, many years and I'll always be grateful."

The two still reminisce about their three consecutive world championships. Both still adhere to the teachings of legendary Green Bay coach Vince Lombardi. Starr said he thinks about Lombardi every day.

"We didn't realize what we were getting in the afterlife of football from him," Bratkowski said. "Now, we all realize it. The principles that he spoke about, on how to live and act and the responsibilities that we had. I think they all carried through."

On Thursday, it was Bratkowski who led Starr, who lives in Birmingham, back to Hale.

Hale said Bratkowski may volunteer his time for the Marlins next season.

While Starr said he isn't involved with the Packers much anymore, he remains an avid fan, especially of recently retired Green Bay quarterback Brett Favre.

"I've never seen such a talent," Starr said. "I've never seen anyone lead with such enthusiasm or in a way with such enthusiasm. He just captured everyone and pulled them right along with him."

 

Vinny-

Thanks for posting. My edits are in all caps, with notes at the end.




To Arnold football coach James Hale, the most important pass Bart Starr threw wasn't for the Alabama Crimson Tide or the Green Bay Packers. (DITCH “ARNOLD FOOTBALL COACH” – GIVE HIS TITLE LATER. ALSO DITCH “CRIMSON TIDE.”)

It was to him, during an offseason during the 1960s. (GOOD. CHANGE OUT ONE “DURING.”)

Hale met his boyhood idol Thursday for the first time since that encounter more than 40 years ago. Starr and his former Green Bay Packers' teammate Zeke Bratkowski were at Arnold to talk football. (DITCH “GREEN BAY.” “TALK FOOTBALL” IS UNCLEAR. WHAT EXACTLY WERE THEY DOING?)

During one summer in the mid-1960s, neither Hale nor Starr recall which year, Starr was in Montgomery, Ala., visiting his parents, who lived a few blocks from Hale's family. (MAKE THIS TWO SENTENCES.) One afternoon, the NFL star took to a local field to get in some running when he was spotted by a group of young boys, including Hale.

They approached the all-Pro, and Starr played catch with them. (MORE DETAIL. GIVE ME THAT MOMENT. WHAT’S THE FIRST THIING YOU SAY TO AN NFL STAR? WHAT DID THEY TALK ABOUT)

"We ran home and got a piece of paper and got his autograph on it and Mama kept it in the Bible because you'd tell people, ‘Yeah, Bart Starr was throwing passes to us and they'd be like, ‘Yeah right,''" Hale said. "Then we'd stick out that autograph and say, ‘Look, he signed an autograph for us.' (GREAT STORY, BUT I’M NOT SURE YOU COULDN’T RETELL IT IN YOUR OWN WORDS.)

"That was in the '60s, and he was on national TV and they were winning Super Bowls. He was a local hero there, heck, all over the country."

Hale attended the same high school as Starr, whose father was first sergeant for Hale's father at Maxwell Air Force Base. (NAME THE HIGH SCHOOL, NAME THE FATHERS)

These days, Bratkowski, 76, who backed up Starr, 74, for the Packers, lives in Santa Rosa Beach. Starr owns a vacation home in Sandestin. Both are retired. (ODD PLACES TO DROP IN THEIR AGES - GET THOSE OUT EARLIER)

Starr can't remember the last time he threw a football. (GIVE US A BETTER IDEA: DOES THAT MEAN IT WAS 2002? OR 1985? BALLPARK IT.) He retired three years ago from working in the health care real estate business. (I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT IS.) He still acts as a consultant. (TO WHOM?)

Starr and his wife, Cherry, donate most of their time to charitable organizations, including the Rawhide Boys Ranch, which Starr helped launch in 1965. (LOCATION, PURPOSE.)

After 17 years playing and 26 coaching, Bratkowski still works with young quarterbacks. (PLAYING WHERE? COACHING WHERE?) He spends most of his spring readying some of college football's finest for the NFL Draft. This year, he worked with LSU's Matt Flynn and Tennessee's Erik Ainge. He's tutored the likes of Michael Vick, Phillip Rivers and former Alabama slinger Brodie Croyle. (PICK ONE LIST, EITHER THE KIDS HE WORKED WITH THIS YEAR, OR THE ONES IN THE PAST; INCLUDING FIVE NAMES IS UNNECESSARY.)

Bratkowski's and Starr's careers began to overlap while the two were in college. Starr played at Alabama and Bratkowski at Georgia. The two were united during the 1963 season when Bratkowski was traded from the Los Angeles Rams to the Packers.

"As soon as I got traded to Green Bay we were working that night," Bratkowski said. "When I landed, we were watching films together. It's never ended."

The two have remained close since their Packer days. Their wives are good friends, and the men said they're like brothers. (THIS IS ALL A BIT LOOSE. I BELIEVE IT’S TRUE, BUT SHOW IT TO ME. WAS THERE A TIME WHEN ONE HELPED THE OTHER GET THROUGH SOMETHING? DO THEY EAT TOGETHER ON THANKSGIVING? DO THEY HAVE NICKNAMES FOR EACH OTHER? GIVE ME MORE THAN “LIKE BROTHERS.”)

"It's wonderful," Starr said. "That's why we chose to have a condo down here so we can be near him and his wife. This man has been a friend and mentor for many, many years and I'll always be grateful."

The two still reminisce about their three consecutive world championships. (UNNECESSARY – OF COURSE THEY DO. MAYBE SHOW ME HOW THEY REMINISCE – ARE THEY “AW SHUCKS” ABOUT IT? DO THEY TELL LOMBARDI FREAK-OUT STORIES?) Both still adhere to the teachings of legendary Green Bay coach Vince Lombardi. Starr said he thinks about Lombardi every day.

"We didn't realize what we were getting in the afterlife of football from him," Bratkowski said. "Now, we all realize it. The principles that he spoke about, on how to live and act and the responsibilities that we had. I think they all carried through." (AGAIN, LOOSE. GIVE ME ONE OR TWO EXAMPLES OF A LOMBARDI TEACHING THAT HELPED OFF THE FIELD.)

On Thursday, it was Bratkowski who led Starr, who lives in Birmingham, back to Hale. (EXPLAIN.)

Hale said Bratkowski may volunteer his time for the Marlins next season.

While Starr said he isn't involved with the Packers much anymore, he remains an avid fan, especially of recently retired Green Bay quarterback Brett Favre.

"I've never seen such a talent," Starr said. "I've never seen anyone lead with such enthusiasm or in a way with such enthusiasm. He just captured everyone and pulled them right along with him." (ODD WAY TO END IT. IT SEEMS NATURAL, AS A SPORTS FAN, TO ASK THIS QUESTION. BUT IS IT NATURAL, OR ESSENTIAL TO THE STORY? NO. AGAIN, IT’S INTERESTING, BUT I’D CUT IT ENTIRELY.)



Okay, now a few notes.
- You said you weren’t sure if you could do more with this. Unless you were under serious time or space constraints, that doesn’t hold up for me. I think there’s a LOT more you could do. For example, it feels like you’ve told parts of the story for all three guys.

If this “playing catch” happened 40 years ago, all three of these guys have done a lot of living since then. Show some of it. What is the post-career life of someone like Starr like? Presumably he walked into a good job, but you don’t really show that.

I’m equally interested, if not more so, in Bratkowski. Here’s a guy who is lifelong friends with the one guy (Starr) who stood in the way of (Bratkowski) being a Super Bowl quarterback. That part of the story must be told.

Most glaring, though, is your omission, and downplaying, of Hale’s story. He’s the least accomplished of these three in football terms, but he’s the local tie-in, and therefore, he’s the story. So tell more about him. Even if he’s your local coach, and everyone knows or thinks they know him, they might not know this story. What did it mean to him?

I’ll direct you back to the story and edits that ran under “Thirty years later” in this forum. My instructions for you are the same as for jimmydangles. (The story was about a reunion of hockey players 30 years after a state championship.)

Report two stories. One, about a big-time quarterback, at the dawn of the Super Bowl/NFL era, trying to get in a few quiet laps while visiting his parents, where he meets some kids, plays catch, signs autographs, etc. – get the details. Then report the story of their reunion today. How did it happen? Give me actual moments, bits of conversation, mannerisms, etc. – get the details.

Then, turn the two stories into one by filling in (at least some of) the gaps.

I know that’s asking quite a bit, particularly if you didn’t have the time you wanted. But, presuming this is at a mid-level daily (or weekly) I think your editor would be happy to run good copy on a local/national story that most people wouldn’t know. I guess I’m disheartened when I read that you weren’t sure you could do more. This story is good. But if I’ve been a bit harsh, it’s because you can always do more.

 

Mr Chase,

I'd sorta like to see the payoff at the end of the second sentence. "To him" is your trump card/head fake. Maybe something like. And "important" versus "memorable" ... well, I lean on memorable.

For James Hale, the most memorable pass Bart Starr threw wasn't for Alabama or the Green Bay Packers.

No, for Hale, it was a pass threw on a high-school field in an off-season back in the 60s. To him.

It would be great if we could say, and I paraphrase, like so many of Starr's passes changed the course of games, the pass changed Hale's life ... put him on track to play the game and stay in it, coaching, etc as the third sentence, which then establishes Hale's job.

YD&OHS, etc