(Bad) neighbours

Wow, if you still think that cat's funny in three weeks, drinks are on me.

 

My neighbor will buy the first round. He'll enjoy setting us up with single-malt whisky while he sips a ginger ale.

I'm from the South, so I'm used to very religious losers. And I'm not without sympathy...I know what it's like to drink too much and I'm glad he has his life (sort of) straightened out.

The humor of someone who's unemployed with no GED who wants to be an airline pilot/millionaire is pretty amusing. But he needs to STFU about his church. And I've yet to have a hangover in the new place. Those little dogs could be skittering on thin ice should they ever wake me in that state.

 

All I did was drink beer.

 

The wing of my apartment has four dwellings.

The guy immediately across the hall has foil on his windows so the government won't read his thoughts. He's not bad, though.

In the 10 months I've lived here, I've never seen the girl who's door is 15 feet down the hall. But I can smell her, because she chain smokes. Especially on the weekends.

The guy next to me I've only seen twice in that time. He won't make eye contact with me. Sometimes he leaves a grocery bag with used Tupperware in it outside his door. Once I got a peek into his apartment, and it was floor-to-ceiling stacked with papers.

There's another wierdo in my building who used to take a random collection of things and put them on the table in the laundry room. One day you'd pass by and it would be water-damaged paperback books, assorted coffee mugs, flea shampoo for pets and a sweatshirt. A few days later, a different assortment.

 

Do you ever wonder what those people might think about you? Like do they think you're weird for whatever reason? Although I suppose it's better not to try and figure out freaks. You might scare yourself.

 

.

You'd better inform Homeland Security. He's probably going to fly a 747 into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame or some other pagan shrine.

Never mow the lawn before 10:30.

Had some clowns roof a house across the street from me at 6 a.m. one summer. That was not appreciated.

Nor was hot-tub man across the street partying outside on a quiet summer night until 2:30 a.m. with Julie Inglesias cranked up on the stereo.

Most of my neighbors are great. But it only takes on to screw it up.

 

I really hope that motherfucker never flies a plane. I doubt he ever will.

The Mexicans probably think I'm weird 'cause I'm in my 30s and I'm single. They're probably bracing themselves for my being either a homosexual or a drug addict. Oh well, they'll find very little drama coming from my side of the building.

Julio Iglesias guy would have had me running up to Wal Mart for a couple of surface-to-surface missiles. Surely they sell those there along with all the other Chinese products.

 

Here's what they're posting on ApartmentRecluses.com:

"That girl who lives next to me, she's crazy. I don't think she sleeps. Why the fuck does she have to shower at 2 a.m.? And then she's up at 8, blasting some Tori Amos shit. And dear lord, when her boyfriend comes to visit... they really need to fix that bed."

 

Yeah, if they're creepy recluses, somehow I doubt they're annoyed by your shenanigans. In fact, you might want to check for sound recording devices on your walls and figure out how to search for the sound of your moans voice on the Internet.

 

When I was in college I had a basement apartment, the couple above me I know had a very healthy sex life, because most nights I went to sleep to the sound of their creaking mattress. That's all I ever heard out of them, outside of the odd time when he would listen to the same Creed CD for about three days straight on high volume.

My neighbours across the hallway were a different sort. I'm pretty sure he was Russian and his wife was East Indian or Pakistani or something along those lines. at least four of seven nights a week the hallway was filled with the strong smell of curry. I also remember they argued a lot and their daughter cried alto.

 

That you didn't suggest a Comet Bomb ranks as the SportsJournalists.com upset of the year.

 

YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO TOUCH HIS PROPERTY. IF YOU DID THAT SHIT AND WERE A NEIGHBOR OF MINE, I'D KICK YOUR ASS TO MANATOBA AND BACK.