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Awkward conversations with the parents, aka How do I scrub my eardrums clean?

Discussion in 'Anything goes' started by imjustagirl, Dec 31, 2008.

  1. imjustagirl

    imjustagirl Active Member

    So my dad comes home from work early for my last day in town, and my mom has just gone to the store. I could try to explain all this, but really, I'm not sure I could do it justice. This is largely paraphrased, except for the really disturbing parts, which I'm pretty sure will never be able to be erased from my head.

    Me: Your landlord, Neil, is not what I expected.
    Dad: But he's rich.
    Me: If he's willing to be a sugar daddy, I'd forget how disgusting he is.
    Dad: I would too. But I asked and he doesn't like guys.
    Me: Maybe you could whore out mom.
    Dad: Yeah, right. We were watching a special on Heidi Fleiss one time and your mom said "I could never have sex for money." I told her I made $40,000 a year and was getting laid twice a year. That's 20 grand a pop. For that, I could fly to Hollywood and get more bang for my buck.
    Me: Um, gross?

    *time passes, mom returns, mom and I are making cookies (not a euphemism), I tell my mom about the conversation about Neil*

    *Dad sits in chair, pulling the chest of his sweater out*
    Me: Stop giving yourself boobies.
    *Dad pulls on crotch of his pants*
    Mom: Now he's giving himself a penis.
    *I start shivering*
    Dad: No, Hermie's just fine.
    Me: You named it Hermie?
    Dad: Yeah. You've talked to Hermie on the phone and never even known it.
    *Mom is laughing so hard she can't catch her breath*
    Me: Christ.

    *Continue the conversation about Hermie for about 10 more really uncomfortable minutes*

    So how have everyone else's holiday trips home been?
  2. Mizzougrad96

    Mizzougrad96 Active Member

    Your dad named his dick after the dentist kid from Rudolph?
  3. Ace

    Ace Well-Known Member

    Funny stuff, IJAG.

    Don't forget to print this out and take it to your therapist.

    I believe cock-talking to your daughter is a federal crime if the call was across state lines, FWIW.
  4. Mizzougrad96

    Mizzougrad96 Active Member

  5. Oggiedoggie

    Oggiedoggie Well-Known Member

    You really should carry pepper spray.
  6. Mizzougrad96

    Mizzougrad96 Active Member

    Actually, I think it's mandatory in the state where IJAG happens to be from. ;D
  7. imjustagirl

    imjustagirl Active Member

    Dammit, I said "You named your penis after a seventh-rate NASCAR driver?"
  8. PeteyPirate

    PeteyPirate Guest

    These people are your real parents?
  9. imjustagirl

    imjustagirl Active Member

    By blood. At least my mom. I have doubts about my dad, but that would be casting aspersions on my mom.
  10. KYSportsWriter

    KYSportsWriter Well-Known Member

    Oh, ha ha.


  11. Simon_Cowbell

    Simon_Cowbell Active Member

  12. mustangj17

    mustangj17 Active Member

    Wow your family is more screwed up than mine.
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