Awkward conversations with the parents, aka How do I scrub my eardrums clean?

So my dad comes home from work early for my last day in town, and my mom has just gone to the store. I could try to explain all this, but really, I'm not sure I could do it justice. This is largely paraphrased, except for the really disturbing parts, which I'm pretty sure will never be able to be erased from my head.

Me: Your landlord, Neil, is not what I expected.
Dad: But he's rich.
Me: If he's willing to be a sugar daddy, I'd forget how disgusting he is.
Dad: I would too. But I asked and he doesn't like guys.
Me: Maybe you could whore out mom.
Dad: Yeah, right. We were watching a special on Heidi Fleiss one time and your mom said "I could never have sex for money." I told her I made $40,000 a year and was getting laid twice a year. That's 20 grand a pop. For that, I could fly to Hollywood and get more bang for my buck.
Me: Um, gross?

*time passes, mom returns, mom and I are making cookies (not a euphemism), I tell my mom about the conversation about Neil*

*Dad sits in chair, pulling the chest of his sweater out*
Me: Stop giving yourself boobies.
*Dad pulls on crotch of his pants*
Mom: Now he's giving himself a penis.
*I start shivering*
Dad: No, Hermie's just fine.
Me: You named it Hermie?
Dad: Yeah. You've talked to Hermie on the phone and never even known it.
*Mom is laughing so hard she can't catch her breath*
Me: Christ.

*Continue the conversation about Hermie for about 10 more really uncomfortable minutes*








So how have everyone else's holiday trips home been?

 

Your dad named his dick after the dentist kid from Rudolph?

 

Funny stuff, IJAG.

Don't forget to print this out and take it to your therapist.

I believe cock-talking to your daughter is a federal crime if the call was across state lines, FWIW.

 

You really should carry pepper spray.

 

Actually, I think it's mandatory in the state where IJAG happens to be from. ;D

 

Dammit, I said "You named your penis after a seventh-rate NASCAR driver?"

 

These people are your real parents?

 

By blood. At least my mom. I have doubts about my dad, but that would be casting aspersions on my mom.

 

Oh, ha ha.

>.<

 

Tremendous.

 

Wow your family is more screwed up than mine.