Asking The Father's Permission For Marriage: Old and done, or traditional?

I was close to the scenario a few years ago, and I certainly planned on asking. The girl's from an Italian family, as am I, so traditions are pretty important. When I do get to the point of proposal, I'll ask the old man and the old woman for permission.

But I don't see it as just asking permission to marry the daughter. I think it's more about asking permission to join their family.

 

I try to avoid talking with my FIL as much as possible, and my wife doesn't give a crap what he thinks about anything anyway, so he was out of the loop.

 

Sorry, but it wouldn't be common courtesy for me. It'd be an insult. Course any guy I would get to that point with would know better anyway.

 

I wouldn't want my guy to ask my father. I'm not sure my dad would know how to handle it, and it was just be awkward for everyone involved. That, and it isn't really his decision.

That being said, if it works for you, or it's important to her, go for it.

 

I would.

 

It's not his decision, and I Don't think anyone's saying it is. If you ask, and he says no, are you not going to marry her anyway? Wouldn't you already know he didn't like you? Would it really affect your relationship?

As someone else said, it's asking to join the family. It's not ownership, it's not bartering. It's "Hey, I adore your daughter, and I'd love to become the main man in her life, permanently."

Period.

 

Because my wife's natural father was (and still is) out of the picture, and for some reason, I didn't feel right about asking the stepfather, I asked her mom.

However, I find so many of the customs and traditions surrounded marriage to be pretty stupid. The one that always got me was the fact that a woman is generally expected to surrender her name and take the man's. I'm a guy and I've always thought that was unfair. Never dug the idea of hyphenated names either because it kinda reeks of lack of unity (and those of us who've done agate know what a joy they are). So, when we got hitched, we just came up with a whole new name.

 

I guess that means I'm discourteous.

 

That's an interesting -- well, maybe that's not the right word -- scenario, too. Say the woman's parents are divorced. Do you ask the biological father and mother on each side? Or, and this is how I think it should be done, ask all parents of said woman -- or man.

 

No, Doc, you proposed to a woman when you'd never met her father. Asking someone you'd never met if you could join his family would have been awkward.

 

I never even considered it, but mine was a weird situation (long story I'm not going to get into here....but no, not a shotgun thing). Thinking about it now, I think my father-in-law would have greatly appreciated it if I had.

My wife is a strong, independent woman and of course it was her decision who she would marry, but I think she would have liked it if I had asked him, too. I'll have to ask her opinion, but I know anything that would have made her dad happy would have made her happy. They were very close (he has since passed away).

At one time, getting permission mattered and it was a sexist, woman-as-property thing, but I don't see that as the case now. If I had asked and he had said no, I would have proposed anyway and she would have accepted without his consent. The point of doing it would have been to build my relationship with my future in-laws, and that would have made my wife happy.

Edit: Well said, IJAG.