Are you there, God? It's me, Killick

So, lately I've been more than a little lost, depressed, and not seeing a whole lot of hope out there in the bleak Cincinnati landscape. Not 'just lost my home in the Iowa floods' kind of bad mojo, but significant enough to me -- family problems, job problems, not much of a social life, getting to buried in my thoughts and not really living.

A little background: I grew up Catholic. Catholic schools 1-12, weekly church, the whole shebang. And when I headed off to college, like others, I let go of Catholicism. I told myself that it was cerebral, but more than anything else I suspect it was laziness. I still believed in God, even though I amplified my doubts into a verbal atheism. Still, always, that kernel of wanting to believe was always lodged way in the back of my mind. I did (and do still) have immense problems with organized religion, and disagree heartily with the Catholic church with many things. I haven't been to church in at least a decade.

And then, I felt a pull. Three weeks ago, longing for something -- I don't know what, exactly -- for something familiar, to be part of a community, to find some semblence of my formative years growing up in Mansfield, Ohio? -- I went to Mass.

Sitting there, saying the same words that were drilled into me so long ago that I still recited them without fail throughout the service, I started thinking about faith and me. I tell myself that I'm not there solely because I hope some higher power will help me out of some slump, that I'd really like to have faith again. I mean, how can I deny that something, someone, is out/up there looking out for me? I still have my parents, I have an intelligence level that not EVERYONE is blessed with, I grew up in a loving home, live in a free country and by many other measures have had a charmed existence of sorts. And my problems with The Church? As I looked around, these were good people sitting there with me, probably hoping for the same enlightenments that I am. The priests I've known were largely very good people who have given their lives over to faith. It's remarkable in this day. They're the real bedrock of the church, not the distant leadership with the rules I snipe at.

Three weeks later, I'm still going. Each week, a different church. Don't know why that's important. And I'm still trying to not feel silly about trying to have a conversation with the Chairman.

So, SportsJournalists.comers, those of you who have found their way back to faith -- any faith -- share. I'm looking for a little assurance that I'm not alone on this path, that it's not as goofy or insincere as I sometimes feel.

 

I'm all for whatever works for a person. If Mass is your thing, and it makes you feel better, go for it.

But I've said this on here before: please be careful. Some religions and religious people will take advantage of people who are at a vulnerable place in life. Others may increase your guilt load, maybe not maliciously, but because of strict expectations. That can be a big burden to someone already dealing with a lot.

If you find a clergymember and congregation you like, by all means, keep going. But don't feel bad if you stop going.

EDIT: To more directly address the question you presented, I'll say I learned the above the hard way. My family was pretty religious when I was young, not so much when I was a teenager, but then in college I was seduced by the people of a different religion. At first it was great: I found the stability and the social interactions I craved at that age. But as the novelty wore off, I realized that it really wasn't for me. And the more I did things outside of the religious norm, the worse I was treated by those same people who were anxious to welcome me. It ended up being a very bad experience and compounding the anxiety and depression I had already been dealing with.

 

Believe in yourself first.

You'll find it's much easier to believe in anything else, if you do. We've all been there -- looking for answers. Looking for something.

Keep looking. But don't forget to look inside, too.

 

Killick, I wish I could be of help. But I was the sort who had to go to church growing up. I was fortunate in that I was chosen to help the organist for years, prompting a little more enthusiasm to go ... or at least something besides complete dread.

After my band director was murdered in cold blood less than three months before my high school graduation - one of the God-fearing people I've ever known - I lost any semblance of faith I had left.

I can tell you I sought help for some dark times, and one who was willing to help was an interim associate pastor at the church where I spent many a Sunday as a youngster. I didn't go because I was seeking any sort of spiritual awakening. The man is just a solid, solid guy and was willing to offer what help he could offer.

I'll never forget him for his willingness to help a complete stranger who didn't attend services. And given my current state of things - and I'm filled with anger and rage for reasons I won't disclose - I could use a solid ear. Like you, it's not that my life is all bad. But mentally, it's a serious struggle.

Good luck, Killick. Do what you need to do. Stop if that helps.

 

Killick, I'm a Catholic who has dealt with many of the same issues and has struggled with drifting away from his faith for years. Faith, IMO, is for people who are in the position you are. It's out there for the taking if, like Cadet said, it works for you. Problem is, taking it back isn't so easy.

Faith's not for the ones
who go to church Sundays
but the ones with little left
yet plenty more to say
Hope's not for the ones
who see time as a plus
but the ones who long ago
lost the one that they could trust
Love's not for the ones
you meet with open arms
but the ones who close the door
and do themselves great harm

Faith, hope and love
are three means to an end
For a soul that's gotten lost
and a heart that needs to mend

But life's not for the weak,
the mild or the meek
When life's not what you wanted,
it's often what you feared
Life is strange when you get scared
Life will change and then get weird
Life's not for the weak, the mild or the meek
If life was for the hearts content
I'd pray the Lord my soul to keep

Faith's not for the ones
whose grasp exceeds their reach
but the ones consumed by guilt
with a thing or two to teach
Hope's not for the ones
whose days are not that long
but the ones who stay up nights
and relive what went wrong
Love's not for the ones
who give with all they've got
but the ones who hold it close,
afraid to take their shot

Faith, hope and love
are three means to an end
For a soul that's gotten lost
and a heart that needs to mend

But life's not for the weak,
the mild or the meek
When life is unexpected,
it comes as no surprise
Life's a scary compromise
Life is wary in disguise
Life's not for the weak,
the mild or the meek
If life was for the hearts content
I'd pray the Lord my soul to keep

Faith's not for the ones
who clasp their hands real tight
but the ones who sleep in late
and know it isn't right
Hope's not for the ones
who've moved on from the past
but the ones who still believe
there's nothing that can last
Love's not for the ones
who greet you with a smile
but the ones who look away,
regretting all the while

Faith, hope and love
are three means to an end
For a soul that's gotten lost
and a heart that needs to mend

But life's not for the weak,
the mild or the meek
When life's not what it could be,
it only goes to show
Life stands still if you can't grow
Life will kill when taken slow
Life's not for the weak, the mild or the meek
If life was for the hearts content
I'd pray the Lord my soul to keep

 

Killick, I went to Catholic school through high school just like you and since leaving there I have lapsed as well. I still firmly believe in God but like you, me and the Catholic Church don't see eye-to-eye on a lot of things. I can't offer much advice for your situation as I continue to drift from the Church, but that I can empathize with your reasons for leaving and that if you feel returning to the Church will help you at this point then it's worth a shot.

 

Pallster -- What is that? Alot there hits pretty close to home.

And, thanks, folks. Makes me feel a little less conspicuous in... well, whatever this is.

 

Just writing about my struggle to return to my faith. About 12 years ago, I "returned" after straying. Things went really well for a while. But life often gets in the way, especially when free will and Catholic guilt are involved, and now I'm just trying to get back to where I once was in terms of my faith and happiness with the direction of my life. But it's really hard. Of course, if faith was easy, there wouldn't be much point to it.

 

Wow. That's yours? Great stuff.

 

That line reminds me an awful lot of Fight Club.

Regardless, good luck in your quest. I've never found religion and I spent a while looking when I was a teenager. I have always envied those whom moderate belief lends comfort.

Generally, when I'm in a similar slump, I endeavor to change my life dramatically. Most of the time, I just end up getting a tattoo, dying my hair or having an affair. Sometimes, I pull it off and explore a new country or something equally different and new.

Church is probably healthier.

 

Well, have an affair with an American hairstylist/tattoo artist, then.

 

He's the one with the crisis.