Apparently, I'm now a shareholder in ... gasp ... Wal-Mart

Sxysprtswrtr · May 27, 2008

Serious response: Take any monies earned and give it away to charity.
Sorta-serious response: Take your shareholder title and post it outside of all your area high schools. Show 'em they should get degrees.
Not-so-serious response: Use the money for beer, boobs and parties.
Semi-serious response: Follow Bubbler's suggestions.

mike311gd · May 27, 2008

Sxysprtswrtr said:

Not-so-serious response: Use the money for beer, boobs and parties.
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I'm sure Spup won't mind at all.

Big Buckin' agate_monkey · May 28, 2008

Bubbler said:

Do some good with this bit of a good fortune.

-- Walk around your local Wal-Mart and start bossing the help around. Tell them to get off their dead, $7-an-hour asses and clean the shithole up. No more Doritos mixed up with the Sam's knock-off, separate those fucking bags.

Tell them to go to Target, buy a decent mop, and clean floors that usually look like a Burkina Fasian flophouse.

If they object, wave that stock certificate in their face, don't say a word, just write "PWNED!" on the back of it.

-- Do the same with the jack ass customers. If two 45-something ladies that haven't seen their feet since 1983 are blocking an aisle, kibitzing brainlessly about the pros and cons of Oil Of Olay, tell them to scatter. Make it known you have the power as a stockholder to temporarily shut down the bakery and the frozen dessert section.

-- Go there at 1:30 a.m. and confront parents who bring their kids to the store at that hour. Don't even be nice about it, just say, "What the fuck?" Option to fake call to child protective services is optional, but hilarious!

-- Stand near the Sam's Choice soda aisle and disseminate "trade secrets". Just blurt out something like, "You know what the lightning is in Green Lightning? The trade name for it at the shop is 'Peak Antifreeze'." If they question it, produce the stock certificate.

-- Take the place of your store greeter. When people walk in, ask them if they're proud to be an American. If they say yes, give them a mini-American flag and compliment on their patriotism. Then, follow them around and hand them the appropriate flags for each country that produced the Wal-Mart-made crap they're buying. Advice: stock plenty of Chinese and Taiwanese flags.

-- Get the employees hopes up that you have the power to give them better health insurance. At the end of your spiel, blurt out a decisive "Psyche!", then tell them you could care less whether they live or die, so long as your stock clears a profit.

If one of them gets uppity, tries a Norma Rae, and says, "Unionize!", simply laugh like a madman, drag them by their ear to the sporting goods department, grab a hunting rifle, blow his/her brains out, and tell the shocked remaining employees that your stock certificate gives you power over their lives and deaths. Repeat "PWNED" viewings as necessary.

Repeat this process in as many stores as you see fit. You're a stockholder, fucking act like one.
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I'll go sit in the corner now.

ondeadline · Dec 15, 2014

[blue]How can you not love Wal-Mart with deals like this!

mike311gd · May 31, 2008

But it was $3.

fishwrapper · May 31, 2008

The Pulitzer-winning series. Now taught in MBA programs.
Worth the couple hours if you guys care.

The Wal-Mart Effect.
2003 Pulitzer, explanatory. 2004 Pulitzer, for follow-up. National reporting on grocer unions fighting giants.
Some of the best work I've ever seen done by a newspaper.

http://www.latimes.com/business/la-walmart-sg,1,1534896.storygallery

pressmurphy · Jun 1, 2008

To be sure, there's plenty to not like about Wal-Mart. But something that an analyst said a while back rings true:

If anyone ever figures out a way to sell a five-dollar bill for $4.89, you know it'll be Wal-Mart.

fishwrapper · Jun 1, 2008

That was in the series. Wal-Mart doesn't use '9' in their pricing decimals. It's always $4.83 or $4.88 "rollback."
It appears, to the conditioned consumer, to be quite the bargain.

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