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Apparently, I'm now a shareholder in ... *gasp* ... Wal-Mart

Discussion in 'Anything goes' started by Chi City 81, May 27, 2008.

  1. Birdscribe

    Birdscribe Active Member

    AMEN!

    If that happened, however, we'd never see you again, Doc.
     
  2. three_bags_full

    three_bags_full Well-Known Member

    No biggie. Just sell it and buy something you like. When he asks how it's doing (assuming for some reason he doesn't know), tell him it's doing just fine.

    That's what we do with the savings bonds our grandparents buy our daughter.
     
  3. CentralIllinoisan

    CentralIllinoisan Active Member

    Mrs. CI is a shareholder of ExxonMobil, as is her whole family.

    Loves me some dirty oil money!
     
  4. slappy4428

    slappy4428 Active Member

    Fight the Power, brother!!! (And about this stupid dvd player...)
     
  5. pallister

    pallister Guest

    Be a good liberal and do what you tell others not to. :)
     
  6. Chi City 81

    Chi City 81 Guest

    :-*
     
  7. John

    John Well-Known Member

    Too bad it wasn't a share of Berkshire Hathaway Inc. The A stock is trading for nearly $198,000 a share and the B is over $4,000.
     
  8. Boom_70

    Boom_70 Well-Known Member

    Exactly, it will grind on you. Tell your grandpa that you only keep stocks of socially responsible companies in your portfolio and that Walmart does not meet your stringent criteria. Tell him about your seven gauges of how you select stocks:
    governance and ethics, workplace, product safety and impact, environment, international operations and human rights, indigenous peoples’ rights, and community relations.

    Then find an non profit that accepts stock donations - donate the stock to them annually and you will get a tax deduction.
     
  9. OnTheRiver

    OnTheRiver Active Member

    This pretty much took care of things, far as I can tell.
     
  10. 2muchcoffeeman

    2muchcoffeeman Well-Known Member

    It's the star between Wal and Mart. How they got squiggly out of star? No idea. I always figured whoever came up with that was dropped on his head 20 times too many as a child.

    Doc: Just think of it as owning stock in Sam's Club rather than Wally World.
     
  11. Bubbler

    Bubbler Well-Known Member

    Do some good with this bit of a good fortune.

    -- Walk around your local Wal-Mart and start bossing the help around. Tell them to get off their dead, $7-an-hour asses and clean the shithole up. No more Doritos mixed up with the Sam's knock-off, separate those fucking bags.

    Tell them to go to Target, buy a decent mop, and clean floors that usually look like a Burkina Fasian flophouse.

    If they object, wave that stock certificate in their face, don't say a word, just write "PWNED!" on the back of it.

    -- Do the same with the jack ass customers. If two 45-something ladies that haven't seen their feet since 1983 are blocking an aisle, kibitzing brainlessly about the pros and cons of Oil Of Olay, tell them to scatter. Make it known you have the power as a stockholder to temporarily shut down the bakery and the frozen dessert section.

    -- Go there at 1:30 a.m. and confront parents who bring their kids to the store at that hour. Don't even be nice about it, just say, "What the fuck?" Option to fake call to child protective services is optional, but hilarious!

    -- Stand near the Sam's Choice soda aisle and disseminate "trade secrets". Just blurt out something like, "You know what the lightning is in Green Lightning? The trade name for it at the shop is 'Peak Antifreeze'." If they question it, produce the stock certificate.

    -- Take the place of your store greeter. When people walk in, ask them if they're proud to be an American. If they say yes, give them a mini-American flag and compliment on their patriotism. Then, follow them around and hand them the appropriate flags for each country that produced the Wal-Mart-made crap they're buying. Advice: stock plenty of Chinese and Taiwanese flags.

    -- Get the employees hopes up that you have the power to give them better health insurance. At the end of your spiel, blurt out a decisive "Psyche!", then tell them you could care less whether they live or die, so long as your stock clears a profit.

    If one of them gets uppity, tries a Norma Rae, and says, "Unionize!", simply laugh like a madman, drag them by their ear to the sporting goods department, grab a hunting rifle, blow his/her brains out, and tell the shocked remaining employees that your stock certificate gives you power over their lives and deaths. Repeat "PWNED" viewings as necessary.

    Repeat this process in as many stores as you see fit. You're a stockholder, fucking act like one.
     
  12. Sam Mills 51

    Sam Mills 51 Well-Known Member

    And Bubs has come - and left - the building. Well done.
     
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