Apartment Living

Little Mexico. Ha!

 

I could never live in an apartment again. There's just no way. I've always rented houses, even if I could only afford crappy ones.

 

Snob.

 

I have a feeling I'm going to feel the same way once I can finally afford to rent a house, even if it's a crappy one.

 

My wife and I have had some weird-ass neighbors.

Our first place was an illegal basement apartment. Our landlord, a retired cop, lived upstairs with his psycho hosebeast of a girlfriend. I was certain this bitch was going to kill us all. They fought like I've never heard people fight before.

I am certain the cop's son was/is a future mass murderer. He just had that...stare about him. And once, he came downstairs and into our bedroom. I'm pretty sure we didn't have sex for another year after that. (Me and my future wife that is...not me and the kid. That would just be weird)

During the winter, we had a huge rain storm that flooded the basement. He came downstairs to look at it and said "Hmmm. That's a problem. Well I'm going skiing in the morning. I'll fix it Monday." Thankfully a friend of ours had a mini sump pump that we used to empty the drain next to the door.

Then there was the time he tried burning the house down. Apparently he went to work one morning and left a kettle heating on the stove. It heated all right...all the way thru the burner. My wife smelled something burning and called the fire dept. The smell faded, so she called back and said not to bother. Good thing they did bother, cause the cat and all our stuff would have been ashes in a couple hours.

All that in a year. The next place was weird, too. One upstairs neighbor either watched porn all the time or had a 16-inch cock and was the Energizer fucking Bunny, b/c his girlfriend was the biggest screamer I've ever heard. (Admittedly, no one screams for me, so this could in fact be damning with faint praise) I used to mute the TV to listen to them. I'd invite people over to listen to them. they were something else. It was funny the one day she walked out and allowed me to put a face to the moan. Flip side: You never quite look at your neighbor the same once you've heard his O noise.

There was also a woman who used to cry every night until she up and disappeared. We actually fear things did not end well for her.

This place, though, takes the cake. Our downstairs neighbors keep Marlboro in business. The entire house reeks of cigarette smoke, which, quite frankly, sucks, especially b/c they've got two daughters younger than 10 years old. They also sing karaoke. And the husband is completely bald on top but has a tail. It's like they're stuck in 1988, back when it was cool to smoke and sing karaoke and sport a mullet even though you're a cue ball.

The wife is battling major, Major, MAJOR depression issues...there are entire weeks when she doesn't leave the house. She told my mother-in-law that she got back at her husband for cheating on her by going to the gym and fucking a guy she met there. She told my mother-in-law this ON THE DAY WE MOVED IN. You know, most people greet their new neighbors and their families with stuff like "hey where did you live before?" No. Not this one.

More than a year ago, the husband's brother moved in downstairs after his wife kicked him out. They turned part of the basement into a bedroom with him...threw up some wood (heh) to give him an enclosed area. That was fine, except they needed us to keep quiet about the arrangements so that our landlord didn't know about it and charge them extra. That was OK by me, I like to think my sister and I would help the other out if one of us got booted.

But then the landlord got reported for code violations...b/c the landlord's wife almost surely ratted on our neighbors for having a junked car in the front yard for two years. My neighbor has been saying he's going to fix his car forever, but it never moved. And the landlord's wife has told him it's an eyesore and to move it. At some point last spring, "someone" called the town and reported the car sitting there. (we're all sure it was the landlord's wife)

So someone from the town comes in to notify the neighbor to move his car or else and notices there's no smoke detectors downstairs. So NOW the landlord is in trouble and the house has to be inspected...which is a problem b/c THERE'S AN ILLEGAL APARTMENT IN THE BASEMENT. Fortunately, our neighbors just threw a bunch of the kids' stuff in there and said it was a room for the kids to play in.

A few weeks ago, I'm sleeping and my wife says for me to wake up, she was just told by the wife that they kicked the husband's brother out and they're throwing all his shit out for garbage. She wants me to go downstairs and ask if they think he has a key to the house. I go outside and there's the wife dragging all her brother-in-law's shit to the curb.

"Does he have a key to the house?" I ask.
"Yes," she says.
"Oh," I say, imagining the headlines: JILTED BROTHER BURNS DOWN HOUSE

She tells me not to worry about it, that he's gone for good, but they're going away for a few days. Oh. That's good. I don't think I slept for the next three days.

So yeah. apartments suck.

 

I know, right? There are just some things I'll sacrifice to be where I want to be. Like, I will always live in the city rather than live in a house twice as nice for the same money in the suburbs. My family all think I'm nuts -- but I think they're nuts for spending three hours a day commuting and not living within walking distance of decent restaurants.

 

"I know, right?"

Who are you, my 15-year-old sister?

 

Yes. Yes I am.

 

You're 13, right?

 

Whatever.

 

She's too lazy to even say that. She says "Whatev."

 

I prefer it with an s at the end. Whatevs.