Another Surprise NBA Starts Article

Hello everyone, Im new to the forum and would like some feedback on my first article. I hope you all have a good thanksgiving and thank you for your feedback.

Young Teams show promise in this Young Season.

The 2003 NBA season marked the end of an era for the Utah Jazz. Karl Malone and John Stockton, the two players that lead the Jazz to two epic finals against the Chicago Bulls, had moved on. With Stockton and Malone gone, a city that was used to regular trips to the playoffs was now asked to wait. For the City of Salt Lake the wait is over. The Jazz (11-1) along with the New Orleans Hornets (8-4) and Orlando Magic (8-4) are three young teams that are showing promise in the early part of the NBA Season. Those Jazz, Hornets and Magic have assembled a group of players that are now producing wins and have some thinking playoffs for three cities that haven’t seen a playoff game for the last two seasons.
The Magic is hoping Grant Hill can avoid the injury bug (the oft injured guard has played in no more than 60 games since coming to Orlando) and lead the young team on a playoff run in the East. With a quality low post player in Dwight Howard getting better each game (Howard is averaging a Double-Double for the season including a back to back 20 point 20 rebound games), the Magic has a good low post option that can prove valuable in the playoffs.
Another team with a young post player is the New Orleans Hornets. Over the off season, the Hornets acquired Tyson Chandler from the Bulls who failed to live up to expectations in Chicago. Since coming over to New Orleans, Chandler has become a rebounding force. In 12 games, Chandler has grabbed more than 10 rebounds in ever game but 4 this season including 18 rebounds against a Shaq-less Miami Heat. Along with Rookie of the Year Chris Paul and a sharp shooting Peja Stojakovic, the city of New Orleans might have another team to cheer for in the playoffs.
While the Magic and Hornets are showing promise, the team showing the most promise is the Utah Jazz. Posting an 11-1 record and with wins over the Pistons and two wins over the Suns, the Jazz is creating the most buzz about a playoff run. Through deals and drafts, the Jazz has assembled a good group of young players that can return the Jazz to the playoffs. Lead by a group of young stars including Carlos Boozer, Mehmet Okur and Deron Williams, the Jazz has the ingredients to make some noise well into the playoffs.
The Magic, Hornets and Jazz are all showing promise this season and looking like a playoff contender. Yes, it is known that it is still November and the playoffs do not begin until April, but these teams are showing enough promise that mentioning playoffs isn’t a far fetched idea. But like many years in the past, early season contenders can be included in the list of early season pretenders toward the end of the season. Because of the great early season starts by the Magic, Hornets and Jazz, they are now on the playoff radar and will be watched to see if they remain contenders or were they just pretending the whole time.

 

First thing - the past tense of "lead" is "led", not "lead."

Also, passive constructions hurt your pace, i.e., "young teams that are showing promise."

Spurn cliche whenever possible, i.e., "marked the end of an era."

While your ideas are basically sound throughout, I think there's a lot of fat on the piece, making it drag.

As I've suggested to others here, as an exercise in craft, go through the piece and cut the word count in half without losing any of the ideas the story contains. I think you'll be happily surprised at how incisive and energetic your own writing can be if you trim away everything unnecessary in it. It also makes you a better editor of your own stuff. Try to be especially unforgiving of anything superfluous in that last graf, italicized above.

Good luck, and thanks for posting.

 

GFav,

You should avoid starting stories in the past. When I first read this, I thought I was gong to read about the 2003 Utah Jazz. Starting in the past like that almost always slows a story.

You'd be better off starting with "The wait for a winner in Salt Lake City is finally over" or something along those lines that gives the story an immediacy.

Also, the use of parentheses should be limited to team records, heights and weights and things of that nature.

Simply write "The Magic is hoping Grant Hill can avoid the injury bug and lead the young team on a playoff run in the East even though the oft injured guard has played in no more than 60 games since coming to Orlando."

And "Young center Dwight Howard is averaging a double-double for the season, including consecutive 20-point, 20-rebound games, giving the Magic a quality low-post option that can prove valuable in the playoffs."

Finally, I'll do a rough edit on this last graf for you, to illustrate what jgmacg is talking about.

Yes, it is known that it is still November and the playoffs do not begin until April, but these teams are showing enough promise that mentioning the idea of making the playoffs an April playoff run isn’t a far fetched idea. But like many years in the past, early season contenders can be included in the list of early often morph into late-season pretenderstoward the end of the season. Time will tell which fate befalls the Magic, Hornets and Jazz. Because of the great early season starts by the Magic, Hornets and Jazz, they are now on the playoff radar and will be watched to see if they remain contenders or were they just pretending the whole time.

Very quick, very rough edit, but the graf goes from 100 words to 44 without losing meaning.

I hope this helps and don't let these criticisms discourage you. They are meant to help.

 

Thanks for the feedback. I have to get out of the mode of writing a history paper and back to writing a newspaper article. Trust me, criticisms to me mean you liked the piece.