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Another dead pet thread

Discussion in 'Anything goes' started by Frank_Ridgeway, Nov 13, 2007.

  1. Frank_Ridgeway

    Frank_Ridgeway Well-Known Member

    So my wife is 1,000 miles away on a business trip and I hear a strange noise in the birdcage and the bird has dropped dead. It was more my wife's bird than mine. I wasn't sure whether to tell her or wait until she gets home in two days, but she called, and I told her. Still not sure I did the right thing. "Are you sure she's dead?" she kept saying. She had me bury her in the back yard. She was a misanthropic little bird -- would bite the fuck out of anyone who tried to handle her, so yes, I was quite certain she was dead before I put my hand in the cage. Wife is not having a good trip -- one of the foreign businessmen she has in tow lost his passport today. She says, "Can anything else go wrong today?" I said, "Well, I could die." She says, "Please don't."
     
  2. Ace

    Ace Well-Known Member

    In a sitcom, you would have bought a look-a-like bird, and hilarity would ensue.
     
  3. ink-stained wretch

    ink-stained wretch Active Member

    Ah, Frank, good call by the wife. Sounds like your contract will be extended.
     
  4. Ace

    Ace Well-Known Member

    As long as he doesn't bite.
     
  5. spaceman

    spaceman Active Member

    Just take it back to the store:

    ----------------------------

    A customer enters a pet shop.

    Mr. Praline: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.

    (The owner does not respond.)

    Mr. Praline: 'Ello, Miss?

    Owner: What do you mean "miss"?

    Mr. Praline: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!

    Owner: We're closin' for lunch.

    Mr. Praline: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

    Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?

    Mr. Praline: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!

    Owner: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.

    Mr. Praline: Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

    Owner: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!

    Mr. Praline: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.

    Owner: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!

    Mr. Praline: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the cage) 'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if you
    show...

    (owner hits the cage)

    Owner: There, he moved!

    Mr. Praline: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!

    Owner: I never!!

    Mr. Praline: Yes, you did!

    Owner: I never, never did anything...

    Mr. Praline: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO POLLY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!

    (Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)

    Mr. Praline: Now that's what I call a dead parrot.

    Owner: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!

    Mr. Praline: STUNNED?!?

    Owner: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Norwegian Blues stun easily, major.

    Mr. Praline: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour
    ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.

    Owner: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.

    Mr. Praline: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?

    Owner: The Norwegian Blue prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable bird, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!

    Mr. Praline: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the
    first place was that it had been NAILED there.

    (pause)

    Owner: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and
    VOOM! Feeweeweewee!

    Mr. Praline: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!

    Owner: No no! 'E's pining!

    Mr. Praline: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e
    rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the
    bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!

    (pause)

    Owner: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh,
    we're right out of parrots.

    Mr. Praline: I see. I see, I get the picture.

    Owner: I got a slug.

    (pause)

    Mr. Praline: Pray, does it talk?

    Owner: Nnnnot really.

    Mr. Praline: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?

    Owner: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)

    Mr. Praline: Well.

    (pause)

    Owner: (quietly) D'you.... d'you want to come back to my place?

    Mr. Praline: (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure.
     
  6. poindexter

    poindexter Well-Known Member

    Prop the bird up on the cage, and act like it's still alive. That trick always works, in fact they made a movie about it: Weekend at Birdie's.
     
  7. JR

    JR Active Member

    Spaceman beat me to it.
     
  8. BYH

    BYH Active Member

    Frank, you should have sold it to a blind kid.
     
  9. HejiraHenry

    HejiraHenry Well-Known Member

    Sorry about the bird, Frank.
     
  10. mike311gd

    mike311gd Active Member

    Damn it, BYH. As I scrolled down, I said silent prayers to myself, begging God to not let there be any sign of a Dumb & Dumber quote just so I could say, "You should have sold it to a blind kid. ..."

    That settles it. No more work for Mike.
     
  11. BYH

    BYH Active Member

    You don't get to 28,241 posts by sitting on Dumb and Dumber dialogue.

    Learn it, live it, love it, be it.
     
  12. mike311gd

    mike311gd Active Member

    I have a lot to learn -- and much, much more to post.
     
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