Annoying thing No. 37

So we're getting Dixie Youth baseball scores called, all of them going on the agate page. A guy calling in every night wants us to put in the paper, "Little Johnny Dumbass played great defense."
Well stop the fucking presses. Why do people not get how that is not objective at all? Bugs the living shit out of me.

 

But it says right at the top of the front page that it's the "Bumblefuck County Tribune."

Shitbrick is a town in Bumblefuck County ergo you should be cheering for LJD's great defense. If you don't celebrate his wonderful accomplishments, you must be biased against Shitbrick.

Come to think of it, you did write more stories about Jimmy Swizzledick over in Sheepbang and how he overcame cancer to come back and help his team win the Junior World Series and all.

But Little Johnny Dumbass is good too. You weren't there, though. You never come to Shitbrick's games.

Blah, blah, blah. I hate parents.

 

Not to mention that his mom probably kept the book, so that ball that kicked off his glove?
Bad hop single.
The time he ran over his own shortstop chasing after a pop up?
Lost it in the sun, base hit.
The ball that went through his legs?
Runner flashed in front of him, gotta be a hit.
The throw he chunked over the concession stand and broke a windshield with?
Runner bumped his arm as he went by. Let's just write down "interference" here...

 

Someone submitted a story suggestion through our online form about one of the Little League All-Star teams.

One of the questions on the form is "Why do you think this is a good story?" The answer: "Because these kids work hard and deserve recognition." I started laughing when I read that.

 

Mrs. Uggla?

 

So you just put in a line that says "coach Jimmy Never-was cited Little Johnny Dumbfuck for his defensive play Wednesday night."

Big fucking deal. It would be the same thing if you covered the game and he told you that in a direct quote.

It's youth league ball. It's not like you're covering the White House.

 

Maybe if there was a story, but this is just scores for the agate page.

 

You realize that's Johnny Dumbass Sr. calling in the scores, right?

 

Bingo. Stats are concrete, but my definition of good defense and this guy's definition of good defense could be completely different.

 

What I usually do is ask the coach if the kid made a specific play that made the great defense. Sometimes, the kid really does do something special.

Otherwise, we can always just put in the 'Johnny did a great job defensively.' After all, I wouldn't want to be responsible for Johnny's parents having to work hard to put their kid through college because I forgot to mention him and cost him a scholarship.

 

He can always sign up for the McDonald's employee baseball team.

 

You should tell him you have e-reporter, then he can't blame it on you if it doesn't list Johnny's great defensive skills and or height.