And the next roast on Comedy Central is......

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Tom Arnold has supposedly said he won't do it.
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He changed his mind.

http://www.tmz.com/2012/08/06/tom-arnold-reason-for-roseanne-roast/

 

Roast debuted last night. Jeselnik and Gottfried were fucking hysterical.

 

Scorecard...

Amy Schumer - A
Seth Green - C
Katey Sagal - D
Jeffrey Ross - B+
Wayne Brady - D-
Carrie Fisher - D-
Anthony Jeselnik - A
Ellen Barkin - D-/F
Tom Arnold - B
Gilbert Gottfried - B-/C+

Lynch as host - C+
Roseanne - C -

I thought Sara Gilbert was supposed to have roasted her... It wouldn't be the first time they've completely taken someone out of the roast.

Favorite line of the night: "Katey Sagal, you were on Married with Children, the show that changed comedy. You are on Sons of Anarchy, the show that brought drama to a whole new level and you were on 8 Simple Rules, the show that killed John Ritter...." - Anthony Jeselnik

 

I about pissed myself at that one.....

Brady was funny in telling Schumer how he wouldn't fuck her.

Can't remember who said it, but the reason Jane Lynch is so skinny, is that all she eats is pussy.

 

Not one of the better ones... Nobody who has seen the Chevy Chase Roast will ever throw the word "worst" out ever again because that one has been claimed and will never be given up...

Tom Arnold was the only roaster who had any real connection to Roseanne. That was one of the reasons why the Denis Leary roast and the Drew Carey roast were funny is because they were being roasted by people who actually knew them and liked them.

They need to get rid of the riff-raff and limit the roasters to people who are connected to the person being roasted and that's proven impossible because Comedy Central makes so many idiotic selections. Then, after you get a few of those, you fill out the rest with actual comedians like Ross and Schumer and Jeselnik and Lampanelli...

There was no reason whatsoever to have Green, Barkin, Brady, Fisher and Sagal there...

 

The Chase Roast was painful. Leary's was very funny.....His rebuttal was awesome. "Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.....fuck you, you fat bastard......"

Basically fucked the entire cast.

I would love to see a big name.....Cruise.......Clooney.......someone like that get roasted.

 

There would be only a handful of "stars" cool enough to handle that.

Clooney, Pitt, Damon (maybe), and Downey Jr.

You'd never, ever get Cruise, Travolta, Gibson, Pacino, DeNiro to sit through something like that. Never.

 

I think Kimmel would be a great one. I think it would be similar to Leary where the people who love him would line up to tear him a new one... I don't know if ABC would be too keen on it, which is why it won't happen.

Seth MacFarlane would be a good one. I could see that one happening.

I heard a couple years ago the Chappelle one was close to happening and then he bailed at the last minute. That could have been pretty epic.

 

Pitt's too private. I could see Damon or Clooney doing it, but it would require the whole production to come up several levels and I don't think Comedy Central is equipped to do that. It would have to be a sick, sick, sick amount of money going to charity for an A-list movie star to do it.

 

I was actually kind of disappointed in Jiselnik, who set the bar really high with his appearances on the Trump and Sheen roasts. But his line about Roseanne "beating" gastric bypass surgery was great.

Schumer was excellent, as was Gottfried. Roseanne was a very good sport, and Carrie Fisher was not.

My favorite lines:

Amy Schumer — "We've got Roseanne, Katey Sagal, Ellen Barkin and Carrie Fisher here. I haven’t seen this much loose skin since Jayne Lynch’s circumcision."

Seth Green — "Gilbert Gottfried, why are you squinting? We’re the ones who have to look at you."

Jeff Ross — "If you don't like what you hear tonight, just do what Joe Paterno did — Look the other way."

Wayne Brady — "Carrie Fisher is the only actor whose action figure is worth more than her."

Gilbert Gottfried — "R2D2 has gotten more work since Star Wars than Carrie Fisher."

 

I was disappointed in the first outing of "The Burn." The best part was Ross roasting his great, great uncle.
"As you all know, Morty is going to be making a big move soon - to a vase on top of mantle."

 

Yeah, I flipped channels when he got on the Segway and pestered meter maids.