Alternatives to cursing

Different people have different definitions of the word "sensitive." I don't want to offend anybody.

 

Vafunculo.

 

Just distribute this memo from years ago I found in my e-mail joke file:

INTEROFFICE MEMORANDUM

TO: All Employees

FROM: Human Resources

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course
of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily
offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to
accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers,
therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so
that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective
manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

SO.........

TRY SAYING
Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF
When the fuck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING
I'm certain that is not feasible.
INSTEAD OF
No fucking way!

TRY SAYING
Really?
INSTEAD OF
You've got to be shitting me.

TRY SAYING
Perhaps you should check with.....
INSTEAD OF
Tell someone who gives a shit.

TRY SAYING
Of course I'm concerned.
INSTEAD OF
Ask me if I give a shit.

TRY SAYING
I wasn't involved with the project.
INSTEAD OF
It's not my fucking problem.

TRY SAYING
That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF
What the fuck?!!???!

TRY SAYING
I'm not sure I can implement this.
INSTEAD OF
Fuck it...it won't work.

TRY SAYING
I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF
Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING
Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF
Who the fuck cares?

TRY SAYING
He's not familiar with the problem.
INSTEAD OF
He's got his head up his ass.

TRY SAYING
Excuse me sir?
INSTEAD OF
Eat shit and die, motherfucker.

TRY SAYING
So, you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF
Kiss my ass.

TRY SAYING
I'm a bit overloaded at this moment.
INSTEAD OF
Fuck it, I'm on salary.

TRY SAYING
I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF
Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING
I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF
This job sucks.

TRY SAYING
You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF
Who the hell died and made you boss?

TRY SAYING
I see.
INSTEAD OF
Blow me.

TRY SAYING
Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF
Another fucking meeting!

TRY SAYING
I don't think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF
I really don't give a shit.

TRY SAYING
He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF
He's a fucking prick.

TRY SAYING
She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF
She's a ball-busting bitch.

TRY SAYING
I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF
You don't know what the fuck you're doing

 

Fu twa, I like it. Simple and effective.

 

solid reply, solid indeed.

 

Do we even know if she's hot?

 

Don't forget the extra-sensitive condoms.

 

Gently, with a chainsaw, if at all possible.

 

and we're off ...

 

But, but, but, those chicks allegedly live in my town. At least that's what it says under their pictures. Too bad none of them really live here, because I've never seen chicks as hot as that here.

 

Alternatives to cursing?

I don't believe there are.

 

I might respond to that with a snarky, "this is my newsroom and I'll use whatever language I damn well feel like," if I weren't worried about "hostile working environment" lawsuits...