All the Catholics out there say, "Ho!": A Communion etiquette question

Boom,

My dad told me as a kid that if I could stand still through the entire reading of the Passion -- without moving my feet or even shifting my weight -- I could get a soul out of purgatory. I always took it as a challenge, and made it every time. It's been a while since I've been in attendance for a Passion reading, but I'd like to think I can still pull it off.

 

Did we retell that one in person? I honestly can't remember.

And Doc: Blow it out your ass.

 

My communion/lord's supper experience:

United Methodist (where I reconnected with God six years ago): Depends on the church. Almost always go up front, either to take while standing with a server or while kneeling at the rail. Body can either be bread or a wafer, you then dip in grape juice. Communion is open ... believe and receive. Very much a family-type occasion.

PCA (A southern, conservative branch of Presbyterianism, a church that I currently attend): Wafer and wine in the pew, served separately. Fairly regemented. Technically open, but highly discouraged if your faith isn't strong.

Southern Baptist (seen only once): Bread or wafer and juice in the pew, served separately. Not served often. Must be a member.

Episcopal (seen only once, at a funeral): Similar to Catholic, but not quite as regemented. Open communion, but I did not partake.

Catholic: I've been to a couple of masses, including my grandmother's funeral several years back, but I always have struggled to follow along. I know well enough not to take communion--learned that one very early on, having grown up in a community that's heavily Catholic.

 

I think so. But I know you've told it here before, too.

The point is, tell some new fucking stories.

 

Did I ever tell you about the time I climaxed quickly?

 

Your wife might have mentioned it ... in passing.

 

Unless you're married (a whole 'nother story), what kind of GOD DAMN PUSSY gets dragged to mass/church/service/root canal by your significant other? I can hear it now: [tomleykis]because we're in LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE!!!!!![/leykis]

You don't like the fact I don't want to accompany your hypocritical, "cafeteria catholic" (a way for hypocritical women to absolve themselves of all guilt for not following any of the church's orders) ass to 9 a.m. mass after a long night of binge drinking and rough, pre-marital sex with contraception with your pro-abortion, anti-sacrament, non-regular attending ass? Fine, go fuck yourself. There's another vagina, and a less hypocritical one, coming along in 10 minutes. Don't wait up.

 

That's a great story. I always get my energy to stand through The Passion by looking at the big man up on the cross. I figure with what he endured for me that I can stand for 20 minutes and here his story.

Back in the day I approached The Passion as I would approach agility drills or up downs. The parts where you had to kneel I would try to be the first in the church to pop back up. You should try it.

 

No. How long did it take?

 

Some bunny's here to make friends.

 

I blame the singing nun.

 

Chicago-area Catholic churches are barely one step away from conducting the mass in Latin, they're so conservative. For a while, when we lived in Indianapolis, my wife (the Catholic of the family) and I went to a church by Butler that was so liberal, the priest surmised that the resurrection probably never really happened. This same church also had, for a crucifix, a huge plastic circle with a cross cut into it, off-center, 70s-style.

In Chicago, where we got married, the priest asked me I was presenting a fake baptismal certificate, it showed I was baptized at age 4. I was baptized Catholic only so I would be eligible to go Catholic school if necessary.

By the way, I was baptized Catholic, and confirmed Episcopalian. What am I? We had the Indianapolis and Chicago archdioceses working overtime trying to figure out that thinker.