Advice to 17 Year Old Self?

Bang as many girls as possible.
When you get to college, do not get involved in a relationship.
Yeah, that's pretty much it.

 

Don't base your choice of college foreign language classes on the fact that in high school the hot girls took French.

 

Yeah, that too.

 

I'm detecting a common thread here.

Apparently most of us were shy loosers who couldn't get laid and ate too much fast food.

Yeah. Sounds about right.

I'd certainly have done some things differently, but I have zero complaints about where the path I took had led me.

Well, it would probably be the same if I weighed 15 pounds less.

 

Wear sunscreen

 

I would tell my 17-year-old self, "Kid, your cousin's varsity baseball jackets looks cool, but lay off the steroids. It will make your nuts feel like someone battered them with a hammer and then dipped them in hot sauce when it is all said and done.."

Me@17: "I thoughts your nut shriveled because of roids. I never heard about hot sauce?"

Me now: "No, you become freakishly rich and famous because of roids, the nuts thing comes after you nailed Madonna."

Me@17: "What? rich, famous and Madonna. You're not making a good case to not do roids."

Me now: "ah crap in a hat. Ok, kid, if I can't stop the roids things, at least go find a guy named Derek Jeter and slash his tendon. He's probably playing for the Yankees' AA team."

Me@17: "Why him? Do we something gay?"

Me now: "What??!?. Jesus, that was just phase. Trust me, though, stab the prick. Also, stop frosting your hair. You look like a fag."

 

Learn Spanish

 

Great song.

 

You will regret the things you want to do but don't much more than anything you might do.

 

Do not ask her out!

 

1. Don't invest in Phil Plantier and Eric Anthony baseball cards. Say "No" to Todd Van Poppel as well.
2. So what if she was redheaded, had Jennifer Garner-caliber legs and could cook. There's a reason you two didn't work out the first time. Don't go back.
3. Don't get baited by your buddy Gil into having a slam dunk contest after baseball practice the day after the first game of your senior season. Your kneecap doesn't crack, you don't fail your Navy physical and your dream of being a Navy lifer becomes reality.
4. Pay more attention to the young woman you had a chance meeting with in the early '90s. Who the hell would have known she'd become MSNBC's Norah O'Donnell....

 

Enjoy the smooth sounds of LFO while you still can, young Brian. Their brand of disjointed boyband rapping will surprisingly not play well past the era of Nelly, Alien Ant Farm, 98 Degrees and Vertical Horizon.

(Dear Lord, the early 2000s sucked hard in every way imaginable...)