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Advice needed: My son is screwing up his life

Discussion in 'Anything goes' started by beanpole, Mar 5, 2012.

  1. Ace

    Ace Well-Known Member

    If he's going to school to become a pastor, I think he's probably not missing a lot of potential "playing-the-field" action.

    And pondering marriage if he's serious about a girl would seem to be a natural inclination for someone who is thinking of being pastorized.
     
  2. To echo others: don't sweat it yet.

    The engagement might be little more than a commitment for themselves (if we are "engaged" there a better chance we will stay together) they can remain true to each other over the next few years.
    And good luck with that.

    I can't count how many high school kids I know who were committed to the sweetie at home or at another school and broke it off because they found someone else.
    One kid followed his high school girlfriend to Campbell University only to come at Christmas with his tail between his legs and his heart shattered after she dumped his ass.
     
  3. dreunc1542

    dreunc1542 Active Member

    But not for someone looking to be homogenized.
     
  4. farmerjerome

    farmerjerome Active Member

    You could try the old reverse psychology. Give him some type of encouragement but put your foot down when it comes to school.

    There is this whole new bizarre phenomenon these days called "starter marriages". Here's to hoping your son is not a part of one.
     
  5. LongTimeListener

    LongTimeListener Well-Known Member

    Especially among the younger set, being engaged and planning to get married are two distinctly different steps in life. "Being engaged" has turned into its own thing that often just means you're something more serious than boyfriend/girlfriend.
     
  6. Bob Cook

    Bob Cook Active Member

    Mr. Pole, I didn't see this in the thread, so I wanted to ask: Did you talk to him about this? Did you ask why he's doing this? Does he seem happy? Does he seem like he's thought it through?

    While it sounds like he's made some decisions that weren't bright, it sounds like he's a bright kid. I don't have kids your age, but I do have kids who have certainly made decisions I would have never expected (like my oldest son's love of ROTC in high school). You know your son. If it seems like he's made a well-thought out decision -- the fact he's waiting until graduation instead of getting married right away might speak to that -- then don't sweat it. Don't risk you being shut out of his life (and his eventual bride's life) because you said something you might wish later you could take back.

    By the way, my understanding is that if he would get married now, he and his wife would be eligible for more student assistance. I had a high school friend (also from divorced parents) who got married during college, and they didn't wait expressly so they could take advantage of the tax breaks and greater student loan help. I wasn't so sure at the time, but 22 years and four kids later, they're still very happily married, so what did I know?
     
  7. I Should Coco

    I Should Coco Well-Known Member

    beanpole, this thread hits home for me, because ... 21 years ago ... I was a 19-year-old kid who gave up a partial scholarship and transferred to attend school with my high school prom date. We had met late in our senior year of H.S., remained in love despite spending a year at different colleges in different states, and thought we would learn one way or another about our long-term future if we attended school together. So we both transferred to a new school.

    My mom in particular was disappointed -- not because she didn't like my girlfriend, but because she thought I throwing away a great chance to have half my education paid for (my parents and I split the cost of my four years of college).

    It turned out I ended up at a better school (University of Iowa), am still married and in love with Mrs. Coco more than 20 years later, and changed majors from pre-law to political science/journalism all because of my decision. As the song goes, two out of three ain't bad! :)

    These days, as my mom enjoys visits from her grandchildren and thinks my wife is a saint, I'll remind her about her angst at my decision and we'll laugh ... but now that I'm a parent, I understand why she was worried.

    Once your kids turn 18 and are living on their own (or at least away from home), they have to start making their own decisions and dealing with the consequences, good or bad.

    It's tough when we don't agree, but as others have noted, beanpole, your son sounds like he's committed to finishing his undergrad degree at his current school. Be as supportive as you can, and time will tell if the engagement works out.
     
  8. beanpole

    beanpole Member

    He does sound happy, and disappointed that I'm not sharing in the happiness. He talked to the girl's parents ahead of time, and then popped the question with a plastic ring until he could save up money to by the real thing (as he doesn't have a job, it will be a while).

    So yeah, I think he's thought it through to the point of, "I love this girl and want to be with her." But he's not thought it through in terms of, "How am I going to make this work." And I can't for the life of me figure out why this had to be done now instead of later.
     
  9. beanpole

    beanpole Member

    God forbid there there's a grandbean on the way for several years. :(
     
  10. beanpole

    beanpole Member

    This gives me some hope, coco. If he can work out as well as you, I would be pleased. All I can do is hope that he finishes his school, but I'm going to find it more than a little difficult to be happy for him over this decision.
     
  11. jr/shotglass

    jr/shotglass Well-Known Member

    This comes from someone whose daughter twice -- 2 times -- dropped out of community college. beanpole, your problem right now isn't that bad.

    Your boy has done nothing that will prevent him from following his educational path, and he appears to intend to follow through. There are people out there who would love that problem. :)

    Keep supporting him -- yes, that's what parents do -- up until he gives you a REAL reason not to, such as dropping out of the four-year school.

    And one other thing. If he was smart enough to get on this career path in the first place, I'm placing my bets on him being smart enough to make better-than-average decisions about life.
     
  12. qtlaw

    qtlaw Well-Known Member

    Mr. Pole,

    Put the engagement aside for a moment, from what I've read, your boy:

    1. Gained admission to a pretty good 4 yr institution;
    2. Earned $16k in grants and scholarships;
    3. Achieved a 3.5 GPA to maintain those grants/scholarships;
    4. Asked her parents for permission;
    5. Bought a plastic ring for now and did not splurge on some extravagant ring requiring huge credit; and
    4. Thought enough of your relationship to share that exciting news with you with genuine love and affection.

    He sounds like a great kid.

    He may not have made the decision that you wanted or the one you think is best for him but as much as it pains you, you cannot make the decisions for him.

    Just keep supporting him so that he keeps up the good academic work and remains committed to it.

    My kids are not yet there but I keep telling myself, parenting means unconditional love and unconditional support. Financial support? Not sure unconditional applies there at 19 but if he's following through with what you asked for academically at the start, I'd say his social life is his social life.

    What I did not gather is what do you think about her and her family? I guess she's not at his school but is she supportive? Or is she someone "bringing him down?" Even if she's not at the school, if she's supportive, that might be even better.
     
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