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Advice for newlyweds

Discussion in 'Anything goes' started by Bump_Wills, Jun 5, 2008.

  1. Bump_Wills

    Bump_Wills Member

    In a few weeks, one of my cousins is getting married. In the wedding invitation, she and the groom-to-be asked that, in lieu of tangible wedding gifts, people instead offer words of wisdom about married life.

    Below is the note my wife and I wrote to them. What would you say? (I know this topic is like a fastball down the middle for jokes, but if we could more or less stick to the question, that'd be great.)

    *****

    We think it's a beautiful idea, this asking your family and friends for advice. But as we're not even finished with our first year of marriage, it occurs to us that we might well end up waiting on you to figure it all out and give us some tips. So we're enclosing this check to hedge our bets should our words of wisdom ring hollow.

    You'll probably hear a lot that the first year of marriage is the toughest. We wouldn't know, as Year 1 is all we've seen, but we're willing to bet that it's true. There's so much change and adjustment, even when you've been together for a while, that it can all be overwhelming at times. Our advice is to hold on to each other for dear life. After all, you're in this together.

    You'll soon be seeing your wedding pictures, and you'll be struck by how happy you appear to be. It's no illusion. You really are that happy. But not every day is your wedding day. In a shockingly short amount of time, the mundane aspects of life will take over, and it's hard sometimes to remember those smiles when you're out of milk and you know that he/she heard you when you said yesterday that you needed some more. So here's what we try to do: Every day, even if it's only for a moment, smile like you did on your wedding day. Before you go to bed, tell each other your five favorite things from that day. Peaceful words have an amazingly curative effect when you feel like screaming.

    Start saving some of your money immediately, and if you can, max out your 401(k) contribution. At 8 percent interest (a conservative figure for most investors), your money doubles every nine years. At your age, that's a lot of doublings before retirement. The longer you wait, the fewer such compoundings you'll have. And while it's true that money doesn't buy happiness, it's also true that happiness doesn't take care of your needs in your dotage, which is coming sooner than you can possibly imagine (more on this in a minute).

    Recognize the fundamental change that has occurred in your lives. Both of you come from good families that infused you with the values that, in large part, have brought you together. Love and honor the family from whence you came. At the same time, remember that there's a new family: the one between the two of you. That's the family you must protect and cherish, above all others. Your people will understand. And if they don't … too bad.

    Date each other. We can't stress this one enough. Marriage is not an endgame; it's not the culmination of all you've worked for. Indeed, it's only the beginning. The occasional movie or dinner or long weekend away allows you to shake off the rust that inevitably sets in when life becomes routine -- and life is nothing if not routine. Such outings will remind you of earlier times in your relationship, and you'll have so much fun reliving memories and talking about how far you've come. And believe us, no one else wants to hear it, so it's good that you have each other.

    Time moves quickly, and as the years go by, it seems to speed up. So use your time together wisely. You're allowed to quarrel; no couple has avoided it yet. But when the moments of contention stretch into hours and days, you need to be able to find a safe place that allows you to return to each other. You've heard that life is short. If only it were that long. The truth is, life is a blink in time. Even if you're lucky enough to live deep into your 80s -- a good, long life -- you'll be on this earth only 740,000 hours or so. Each hour lost isn't coming your way again.

    That's our spiel. We're so very happy for the two of you and wish you all the happiness that you deserve. It can be a wonderful thing, marriage, but it's up to you to make it so.
     
  2. Buck

    Buck Well-Known Member

    This is a bad idea. Get out of it now before it goes any further.
     
  3. Ace

    Ace Well-Known Member

    I would probably say to enjoy each other and wait a few years before having kids (but I would be afraid the bride already had a bun in the oven and would hate me forever).
     
  4. PeteyPirate

    PeteyPirate Guest

    Start swinging right away, it worked for your parents.
     
  5. SixToe

    SixToe Active Member

    Put off having kids for at least five years, by whatever means necessary.

    Then, fuck a lot. A whole lot. As much as you can, at any time of the day. On the sink, in the tub, on the bed, on the carpet in front of the television. Do it on the kitchen table, on the boxes of clothes piled up in the guest room and in the car on a road trip. You'll appreciate it 20 years from now.

    Go on trips, spontaneously, and enjoy them. Get out of town on the weekends. Plan something. At lunch on Friday say, "Tonight, let's just drive to" somewhere and then do it.

    Don't get a dog or cat or birds. If you want a pet, get fish. Other pets cost more money and you have to worry about boarding them when you want to go out of town. You have another 60-plus years of life to get a dog that shits on your carpet or a cat that pees in the corner to mark territory.

    Eat out when you can at nice restaurants. Make a picnic and go to the park. Splurge sometimes and get something you normally wouldn't buy.

    Laugh a lot.

    Don't let the sun go down on your anger.

    Eat ice cream.

    See the first bit of advice and do that, before eating some ice cream.

    Then, after five or six years, consider having kids and enjoy them. Your life will change after having kids and all the things you did without them will be memories to enjoy on top of the ones you have with them.
     
  6. Smasher_Sloan

    Smasher_Sloan Active Member

    "I do" is not code for the end of fellatio.
     
  7. SixToe

    SixToe Active Member

    It isn't?

    Dammit.
     
  8. PeteyPirate

    PeteyPirate Guest

    Wear sunscreen.
     
  9. JR

    JR Active Member

    I'm afraid I'm with Buck on this.

    Dreadful idea.

    The only way that something like this could work is if they stipulated, "One Sentence Only"; otherwise, they're going to get pages and pages of busybody advice, some of which may be entirely unintelligible.
     
  10. Baron Scicluna

    Baron Scicluna Well-Known Member

    Two words: Yes, Dear.
     
  11. imjustagirl

    imjustagirl Active Member

    Um, Buck was talking about marriage. Not the idea of writing words of encouragement.
     
  12. JR

    JR Active Member

    OK, then we have two bad ideas.
     
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