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A tale of two … thousand miles

Discussion in 'Anything goes' started by spup1122, Apr 12, 2007.

  1. spup1122

    spup1122 Guest

    In less than a week, Doc and I have driven 2,000 miles. We have seen mountains, corn fields, lakes, and a sunrise.

    Last Friday, we left at 3 a.m. from our smoky mountain homestead to drive to Missouri by way of Lincoln, Neb. Please, someone ask me how one gets to Missouri by way of Lincoln. Well, one gets there by nearly falling asleep at the wheel numerous times. One also gets there by driving across Kentucky, Indiana, Illinois, Missouri, and a small corner of Iowa. Oh, and 16 hours of driving. I will shoot myself before I EVER do that again.

    Along the way there were many stops made. For two people who are in the coveted “late-night crew”, 3 a.m. was painful. By 6, Doc was falling asleep. By 9, I was ready for a nap. At 1 p.m., I gave up driving and started working on my Web site. What self-respecting Web guru doesn’t have a Web site?

    A few things we learned on the trip. First, truckers are incapable of picking one speed and running with it. We were passed six or seven times by the same truck because the driver couldn’t decide what speed between 60 and 80 mph he/she wanted to go. Do truckers attend classes on pissing off the other drivers around them and/or fluctuating their speeds constantly? Boots, can you answer this question for me? You seem to have held a job in every other occupation.

    Second, Lincoln is one of the most unique communities in which I have been. I’m not sure I would have known it was a Big XII community had I not been born with a brain; although, after this trip, if you ask Doc, he may dispute that fact. It’s also the only town I remember seeing apartments on one side of a major road and corn fields on the other.

    I did get to see my best friend from high school and college, though. Doc said to add that Omaha steak is fantastic.

    Third – on the last night of a trip, one should not drink at the piano bar when he/she/they have to do laundry, pack, get up early, or really have anything to do. One should not drink on his/her/their last night in a town unless they have all day to lounge before leaving. This is especially true when said person has a 12-14 hour day of driving ahead of them. Spup learned quickly that while studying music for entirely too many years, alcohol can bring out the tone-deaf in even highly trained musicians.

    I don’t want to make this post all about boots, but we saw a lot of “Boots on clearance” signs along the way. Who knew truckers liked Boots so much? All of the signs were at truck stops. One even had a sign that said, “Boots behind store” in their window. Since we were in Podunkville, I did not choose to partake in the boots behind the store, though.

    We stopped at a gas station along the way that was straight out of Texas Chainsaw Massacre minus the Texas part. There were alligator heads in the store and a fan blowing in the employee area. It was eerily quiet. It was also midnight edt which may have had something to do with the lack of noise.

    As a general rule, I do not use gas station restrooms. This trip provided me many further reasons not to use these germ-infested holes. Said TCM bathroom had eight roles of toilet paper on the wall and advertisements for bee pollen. You know who uses bee pollen? I do after reading the advertisement in my short time in the women’s bathroom which was conveniently painted pink.

    Men, when a trip is advertised as the last big push of wedding planning, bow out. Go to your parents’ house or on a fishing trip. Do NOT take the bait and go with your fiancé. Doc was ready to kill me after going to pick out flowers, trying to decide on center pieces, and looking at wedding rings.

    I suppose that is all for now. I know I’m no bubbler or Songbird, but I promise there are more funny stories where these come from. This week-long, non-vacation trip was hell, heaven and everything in between.

    Doc contributed to this report.
  2. Big Buckin' agate_monkey

    Big Buckin' agate_monkey Active Member

    Sounds like fun .... all but the "boots behind store" part.
  3. spup1122

    spup1122 Guest

    You'd have to ask Doc about that. I didn't venture to that part of the building. :)
  4. Football_Bat

    Football_Bat Well-Known Member

    The phrase "boots behind..." sounds like fun only to boots.
  5. Big Buckin' agate_monkey

    Big Buckin' agate_monkey Active Member

    Doc went behind that store?!?!??!?!
  6. spup1122

    spup1122 Guest

    Haha.. No, but I figured if I said he did, I'd at least get some sort of response from my partner in crime.
  7. Chi City 81

    Chi City 81 Guest

    None of your goddamned business.

    EDIT: What spup said doesn't bother me. She's a damned lightweight who can't hold her liquor.
  8. Big Buckin' agate_monkey

    Big Buckin' agate_monkey Active Member

    *disappointed tone* Oh, Doc. *shaking head*
  9. spup1122

    spup1122 Guest

    He's right. I drank two glasses of wine, a vodka and sprite (pretty sure it was actually a double) and half a cranberry and vodka and remember most of the night. I was pretty drunk though.

    All I really remember from the night is saying, "It's Steak and Shake and I helped!" as I was eating the food we got there.
  10. PopeDirkBenedict

    PopeDirkBenedict Active Member


    I hear you about gas station restrooms. Some of the best traveling advice I ever got was that if you need to use the can, stop at a decent motel (i.e. one with a real lobby). Those places always have a "public" restroom for the guests to use. Just walk in like you are a guest, grab the complimentary USA Today and do your work. If anyone asks, just say that you are staying in 214.
  11. Chi City 81

    Chi City 81 Guest

    And make sure it has a second floor when you do this. ;D
  12. PopeDirkBenedict

    PopeDirkBenedict Active Member

    If you say it with enough confidence, it won't even matter. And what are they going to do? Charge you for taking a dump?
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