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A SJ Christmas tradition? Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer ... and an update

Discussion in 'Anything goes' started by Bubbler, Dec 9, 2006.

  1. Bubbler

    Bubbler Active Member

    Rehashed from last year, all the extraneous shit taken out. Enjoy ...

    Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer is a cherished Christmas classic. The sad, but eventually triumphant journey of Rudolph warms our hearts. The Burl Ives songs entertain us. The animation enchants us.

    Because of all that, we fail to see that, basically, Santa Claus is an asshole.

    The evidence is clearly captured in Rudolph, a Santa-lite, if you will, which doesn't represent his true malevolent influence on the denizens of the North Pole.

    Santa clearly created a culture where intolerance for others is the norm. He is your typical 19th Century robber baron, treating his loyal elves like they're property, setting up a factory town to maintain a monopoly, and at the North Pole at that.

    Whipping his charges: Santa in action. The North
    Pole despot allegedly paid his reindeer in oats and
    Canadian money. Man reindeer suffered from reindeer pate,
    a dreaded woodland disease which Santa made no effort
    to fight. It was never confirmed but he also
    allegedly recruited a ninth reindeer every year. The
    weakest of his reindeer would have to fight the
    newcomer to keep his job. Santa put a piston in
    the brain of the loser ... and ate him.

    Santa is also discriminatory with disabled people. Rudolph's red nose, misfit toys, the abominable snowman, all fall victim to Santa's intolerance.

    His hate infected nearly everyone at the North Pole. To wit:

    Rudolph – Driven to depression and flight from the oppressive assimilation culture Santa encouraged.
    Donner – So fearful of losing Santa's favor, he ostracizes his son.
    Hermey – Wants desperately to escape the serf-like monotony of elf life, but is too meek to strike out on his own. So he desires to become a dentist, probably to inflict subconscious pain to others passed on by his disapproving father.
    Yukon Cornelius – His past with Santa is not explained by Rankin & Bass, but clearly something drastic happened. On the Island of Misfit Toys, Yukon sleeps with both Rudolph and Hermey. Many experts have said Yukon fits the classic pedophile profile.

    Which brings us to the worst of Santa – the Island of Misfit Toys.

    A gulag/Gitmo designed to hide Santa's failings and protect his worldwide credibility, the mistakes being an inevitable by-product of overworked elves who work for slave wages, even by Hong Kong sweatshop standards. King Moonracer is Santa's prison keeper, a man Santa headhunted from a French political prison during the height of the shadowy Franco-Algerian War. Moonracer allegedly ran afoul even of the usually torture-tolerant French authorities.

    Santa had no remorse about the island, allowing Rankin & Bass to film there, albeit under heavy supervision. The labor camp, where the misfit toys did the dangerous toy-making work, melting down plastic, etc., was not shown.

    Nor was the notorious Islet Of Misfit Sex Toys, where Santa practiced bizarre sexual practices with a half-crazed Mrs. Claus and several drug-addicted, questionably-willing reindeer and elves.

    Rankin & Bass were shocked by what they saw. The Rudolph director's cut, which portrayed the Island much more realistically, including a grisly scene where a Tin Soldier dressed as Davy Crockett blows his brains out with a musket, was cut under duress and alleged physical intimidation by Santa's legal team and, later, the abominable snowman.

    (continued ...)
  2. Bubbler

    Bubbler Active Member

    (continued ...)

    Even when Santa supposedly sees the light, it's all for his own benefit. Rudolph's nose? Expedites the running of his business – a purely ulterior motive. Off camera, Santa allegedly called Rudolph "Red Ass" because in Santa's mind, Rudolph was so dumb, he couldn't find his ass with a flashlight.

    Red Ass: Santa and Rudolph pose for a staged press photo. After initial lack of acceptance,
    Santa exploited Rudolph's fame and increased his own self-worth by millions. Rudolph's final job was
    at Frankenmuth, Mich. petting zoo.

    Accepting the abominable snowman as one of his own? Just a way to save labor costs and lay off perfectly loyal elves who did the same work better, but who had those pesky benefits and yearly raises. Plus the abominable worked for $1-an-hour plus and all the chum he could eat.

    Rankin & Bass didn't cover it in subsequent Christmas specials, they were fearful of Santa extracting more royalties out of them, but the elves eventually tried to unionize. The abominable snowman not only took their jobs, but was used as muscle to intimidate other elves into voting pro-Santa in union business. the Santa's spies alerted him of a strike threat and he purchased six machine guns and placed them outside the gates of the North Pole and locked the elves out as a pre-emptive move. Two elves died of exposure in the three-day standoff.

    As for Rudolph? Santa exploited him for maximum profit. When his story became legend, Santa barnstormed Rudolph everywhere. Rudolph, impressionable until the day he died of reindeer pate in 1990, was taken in by the celebrity world of booze, drugs and women. He and Clarice split in 1970, after she caught Rudolph in bed with a groupie, his cock already immoraltalized in plaster. He was Hammer of the Gods before Hammer of the Gods was Hammer of the Gods.

    His heart broken, Rudolph did the variety show circuit in the 70s, his nadir coming on a Gong Show appearance when Jaye P. Morgan spoofed him by putting red lights on her push-up bra. He stormed off the set. He died just before the children of the children who watched the original had children of their own, thus missing out on untold riches.

    The Island Of Misfit Toys has been renamed the Retraining Center For Disabled Playthings, but many of the abuses remain, even though King Moonracer was crushed to death in a heated rage by the maniacally insane train with square wheels in 1974. Ironically, Hermey was hired as the RCDP dentist in the early 1990s, allegedly using his training for no good, his youthful confusion turning to sadist psychosis. He's at large for war crimes and his trial has begun in absentia in The Hague.

    An unrepentent Santa lives on today, much as he did in 1964.
  3. Bubbler

    Bubbler Active Member


    Since 2005 when the original story was exposed, a shocking new development happened during the summer. And it came from an unlikely source.

    Santa’s most prominent neighbor, Superman, accused Santa of not employing elves at all, but using old-fashioned genetic engineering to further his aims.

    “Santa calls his workers, ‘elves’,” said Superman, making the hand gesture for a quote. “Well those aren’t ‘elves’, they are better known as ‘native Inuit Indians.’ He has been exploiting the native population in a scale unimaginable by our forefathers.”

    Superman, who lives in an icy lair near Santa’s compound, claims that Santa sends Arctic shock troops into the wintry night, kidnapping unsuspecting Inuit children. Once held, Santa elongated their ears through a painful, Dark Ages process only he remembers, and addicts them to drugs to maintain eternal loyalty.

    Superman even claimed he had a conversation with Santa that said St. Nick was inspired by the Ottomans, who kidnapped the first born in Christian families in their rise to empire, creating the Janissary corps.

    Superman’s frustration with Santa allegedly has its genesis in the industrial dumping that his trickled on to Superman’s property. Superman is also offended by Santa megalomania, where most residents within 50 miles of the North Pole must sign a loyalty clause and pay stiff “toy” taxes to fund his operation. Many believe this is why Inuits remain silent about their private hell.

    Santa vehemently denies the rumors, and shot back at Superman.

    “Red sun, yellow sun, it doesn’t matter. Kryptonite might be his best known weakness, but I know another,” said Santa, in a cryptic tone.

    Then he presented a log of visitors to the Islet Of Misfit Sex Toys and began to read it.

    “This is dated June 14. Super … he crossed that out … then he wrote Clark Ken … and crossed it out, finally writing Jimmy Olson,” said Santa. “Purchase order -- Two hours in an icy peep show lair with a DVD titled, ‘The Abominable Snowman In Let It Snow – Finishing The Grill' and a pair of ben-wa balls, specifically, steel ben-wa balls.”

    “June 16 – “The Abominable Snowman – Filling Your Stocking With Goodness”, steel ben-wa balls.”

    “June 17 – “The Abominable Snowman In Fur Fetishes And Other Delights”, steel ben-wa balls.

    “June 18 – “Abominable Snowman And His Double-Jointed Elf Friends”, steel ben-wa balls.

    “After that,” Santa remarked. “He would just come in and tell our people, give me the ben-wa balls and the usual. Our people knew to head straight for the Abominable Snowman porn.”

    “So how does, ahem, the ‘Man Of Steel’ explain that?” Santa queried. “And it begs the question, why hasn’t almighty Superman saved these allegedly enslaved elves?”

    Superman was confronted with that accusation shortly after. He let out an otherworldly scream, abruptly flew towards space to interrupt the interview, and circled the Earth, reversing its axis and turning back time to the point before the question was asked.

    When asked a follow-up, he did the same.

    “We’re going to keep asking you the question,” said a correspondent from the AP North Pole bureau.

    “And I’ll keep circling the Earth, what are you going to do?” Superman shot back. “I do know one thing, that guy in the Seychelles who keeps losing his virginity and getting it back would like to finish the job, mmkay?”

    After several futile attempts to thwart Superman, including using Abominable Snowman images to distract him, reporters melted away.

    To date, Santa’s operations go on as before.
  4. farmerjerome

    farmerjerome Active Member

    Man, I've really missed this site over the past couple of months.

    If this were Thanksgiving, I'd be thankful for Bubbler.
  5. Chi City 81

    Chi City 81 Guest

    I wasn't around for the original thread last year. But this was, in a word, masterful.
  6. imjustagirl2

    imjustagirl2 New Member

    My favorite parts are always the cutlines.
  7. DyePack

    DyePack New Member

    Rudolph's Shiny New Year is the one, true evil.
  8. Apex

    Apex Member

    Santa fucking Claus.
  9. Oz

    Oz Active Member

    After watching this last night, I figured I would give this thread a bump, because I always got a laugh from Bubbler's take on this classic.
  10. Dickens Cider

    Dickens Cider New Member

    Holy fuck. This thread brings back memories.
  11. Bubbler

    Bubbler Active Member

    Wow Oz. On the list of things I thought I'd see today, this definitely wasn't one of them.

    I hope it gives some depressed people (including myself) a brief laugh.
  12. Oz

    Oz Active Member

    I know it gave me a brief laugh, especially after watching it last night. And for all the effort that went into it, it definitely deserved to be brought back a second time.
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