A place for open letters to the good people of the world.

My pledges never last long, but I'm not encouraging a catjack.

 

Good to get that on record.

 

I am trying to use the cats more judiciously, for better comic effect (affect? I always fuck that one up).

 

Dear Everyone,

Enough with the shooting.
More with the sexing.


Hugs and kisses (but never on a first date),

Troop

 

Dear People in the Movie Theater:

Used to be, folks didn't have to be reminded of these things, but I recognize that it's a new era. So listen up:

* Get in your seat before the movie starts. Seriously, there's like 15 minutes of previews. You can make it if you really, really try.

* Turn off the phone. There's not a movie yet that has been improved by your audible talking during it, so please stop trying.

* Please don't ask the person next to you what's going to happen next, quietly or loudly. Here's the thing: The movie eventually gets to that part.

* In sum, shut up and watch. If I wanted to be distracted by you, I would interact with you socially, outside the theater. But notice that unlike you, I do not wear a "Born to Lose" T-shirt.

Warmest regards,
Bump

 

Dear old guys in the gym locker room,
Put a towel on, for Christ's sake. I never have wished to witness aged manly bits tick-tocking around like a brass pendulum, or pruny folds of skin. Yet you keep putting them on display with reckless abandon. So stop it.
Sincerely,
MartinE

 

Dear MartinE,

Consider it a visit from the ghost of Christmas future. And why are your eyes straying to that part of our anatomy, anyway?

Sincerely, the old guys in the gym locker room.

 

This is usually what I do. I'll be damned if I'm paying Bank of America $5 for talking with a drive-thru teller.

 

You have to pay to use the drivethru? What the fuck kind of bank is that?

 

Dear sportschick:

You affect the effect. If you remember that, you can't go wrong.

Love,

Zeke

 

Dear UTshooter:

Every time I see this thread title, I hear a snippet of an classic Yes song. Thanks.

Sincerely,

2muchcoffeeman

 

Dear ChazP:

I like to wax nostalgic as much as the next person, but enough of the year-old threads, please.

Sincerely,

Platy