A little feedback, s'il vous plait ...

If so, Bob, would "It would be the best day of his life" need to be in italics? I know that wasn't directed at me, just a first thought. The italics tell me I'm looking at a scene somewhere in the future, kind of like how a TV show or film has haze around the corners of the screen for a flashback/forward/cheesy dream sequence, etc.

Would it work to bring the stalling angle back into it? Engeseth missed state because the other guy stalled. If he wins this tournament a year from now he's got to be a pretty healthy kid, wouldn't he have done some stalling of his own at that point?

Nice work, too, jgmacg. As a guy who's trying to become a stronger writer I like to read through your line edits like that. It's tough to see how or why something works, or doesn't, until you lay it out like that. Then it's like, "Oh yeah, I could use two words here instead of six," or, "I thought that was kinda hokey, too, but couldn't figure why."

 

I'm not trying to be deliberately dense, but I'm struggling to get what you're after. I like your thoughts on the ending and like the general direction you're headed, but I'm trying to reconcile that with what I've already written and what I think is a good closing.

I like what I have and don't want to mess with if I don't have to. At the same time, I want it to be the best it can possibly be.

I'm worried the finished product might land somewhere in the middle ... I tinker too much and either make it worse or make it something I'm not totally happy with.

I don't want you to write the closing for me, because that would be lazy and unprofessional. But I'd like you to be a little more clear regarding what you think would be an apt closing for this piece, if you don't mind.

Again, thanks for all your help so far. I think this is going to be a home run ... if only I can end it with the impact it deserves.

 

Bob -

A thousand apologies.

Don't drive yourself nuts. If you're happy with the piece, and happy with the ending, be happy with it. And proud. It's a fine, strong piece of writing. Don't worry about decoding anything I've said. I'm just one reader - a guy on a message board, after all - and you're on a deadline.

I'm reluctant to try to go around on the last two or three lines again, because I think I'm inadvertantly undermining your confidence in them. They're fine. Honest. Go with your gut, set aside any confusion I've caused, and commit to the ending as you best see it.

 

Thanks for all your help, guys. The story is done and off to press, so hopefully I didn't screw it up too bad. I did take some of your advice and tweak the ending, jgmacg. You were right and a victory over cancer is much more powerful than a victory over some kid in a wrestling match. In the end I tried to incorporate both because a cancer-free Mitchell Engeseth beating his rival for a trip to state -- well, that's just poetic.

I won't post the finished version here because it would take up too much space and probably not draw too much interest. But thanks again for your help, guys. This is a unique resource and I wish more people would use it. I'm going to definitely start trolling over here and trying to help out people seeking advice.

 

Glad we could help out a little. It's good work, and I hope it's a great success.

 

Mr Blog,

Sorry that I'm late to the party.

Mr macg as always does great stuff on the line-edit. I'm with him on the exit line.

I offer one notion and one alone: Can we see the wrestling headgear somewhere along the way? Can it be put in a drawer, a gymbag thrown in the closet, I dunno, just somewhere. We see it in Act One and Act Three but not in the middle act. Do that and it becomes a talisman of sorts. Can his wrestling team-mates wear their headgear over shorn melons. Look, it's sounds arty and silly, but it's just something I throw out there. If you do that, then the ending you have becomes stronger. Once more would be good, twice more better. Added later: Could he put away the headgear as he prepares for his toughest fight or something? Puts it where he knows he can find it.

YHS, throwing my computer on the hardwood floor, etc

 

Mr Blog,

Oh yeah, forgot. It is good stuff if you don't change a word.

YHS, etc