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A Jewish Christmas Eve

Discussion in 'Anything goes' started by EStreetJoe, Dec 24, 2009.

  1. EStreetJoe

    EStreetJoe Well-Known Member

    I received this many, many years ago from a Jewish friend in Boston. I forgot to post it earlier today, but there's still time to post it...

    A JEWISH CHRISTMAS EVE
    'Twas the night before Christmas, and we, being Jews,
    My girlfriend and me - we had nothing to do.
    The gentiles were home, hanging stockings with care,
    Secure in their knowledge St. Nick would be there.
    But for us, once the Chanukah candles burned down,
    There was nothing but boredom all over town.
    The malls and the theaters were all closed up tight;
    There weren't any concerts to go to that night.
    A dance would have saved us, some ballroom or swing,
    But we searched through the papers; there wasn't a thing.
    Outside the window sat 2 feet of snow;
    With the windchill, they said, it was 15 below.
    And while all I could do was sit there and brood,
    My girl saved the night and called out: "CHINESE FOOD!"
    So we ran to the closet, grabbed hats, mitts, and boots -
    To cover out heads, our hands, and our foots.
    We pulled on our jackets, all puffy with down,
    And boarded the T bound for old Chinatown.
    The train nearly empty, it rolled through the stops,
    While visions of wontons danced through our kopfs.
    We hopped off at Park Street; Boston Common was bright
    With fresh-fallen snow and the trees strung with lights,
    We crept through "The Zone" with its bums and its thugs,
    And entrepreneurs selling ladies and drugs.
    At last we reached Chinatown, rushed through the gate,
    Past bakeries, markets, shops, and cafes,
    In search of a restaurant: "Which one? Let's decide!"
    We chose "Hunan Chazzer," and ventured inside.
    Around us sat others, their platters piled high
    With the finest of fine foods their money could buy:
    There was roast duck and fried squid, (sweet, sour and spiced,)
    Dried beef and mixed veggies, lo mein and fried rice,
    Whole fish and moo shi and shrimp chow mee foo,
    And General Gau's chicken and ma po tofu...
    When at last we decided, and the waiter did call,
    We said: "Skip the menu!" and ordered it all.
    And when in due time the food was all made,
    It came to the table in a sort of parade.
    Before us sat dim sum, spare ribs, and egg rolls,
    And four different soups, in four great, huge bowls.
    And chicken wings! Dumplings! and Beef Teriyakis!
    The courses kept coming from spicy to mild,
    And higher and higher toward the ceiling were piled.
    And while this went on, we became aware
    Every diner around us had started to stare.
    Their jaws hanging open, they looked on unblinking;
    Some dropped their teacups, some drooled without thinking.
    So much piled up, one dish after another,
    My girlfriend and I couldn't see one another!
    Now we sat there, we two, without proper utensils,
    While they handed us something that looked like two pencils.
    We poked and we jabbed till our fingers were sore
    And half of our dinner wound up on the floor.
    We tried - how we tried - but, sad truth to tell,
    Ten long minutes later and still hungry as hell,
    We swallowed our pride, feeling vaguely like dorks,
    And called to our waiter to bring us two forks.
    We fressed and we feastered, we slurped and we munched;
    We noshed and we supped, we breakfast'd and lunched.
    We ate till we couldn't and drank down our teas
    And barely had room for our fortune cookies.
    But my fortune was perfect; it summed up the mood
    When it said: "Pork is kosher, when it's in Chinese food."
    And my girlfriend - well... she got a real winner;
    Hers said: "Your companion will pay for the dinner."
    Our bellies were full and at last it was time
    To travel back home and write some bad rhyme
    Of our Chinatown trek (and to privately speak
    About trying to refine our chopstick technique).
    The MSG spun round and round in our heads,
    And we tripped and we laughed and gaily we said,
    As we carried our leftovers home through the night:
    "Good Yom Tov to all - and to all a Good Night!"
     
  2. 21

    21 Well-Known Member

    I love that! There should be a support hotline for Jews on Christmas. It's like being the only man in an Oprah audience when the topic is menopause....not really sure if you should be there, you just smile and look like you know what's going on. 8)
     
  3. outofplace

    outofplace Well-Known Member

    I'm used to it, but the next person that wishes my 6-year-old a Merry Christmas gets a smack in the head. She's at that age that she really sees the appeal of Christmas but doesn't understand at all why we don't celebrate it, so she's a bit sensitive.
     
  4. Football_Bat

    Football_Bat Well-Known Member

    Merry Nittel to all!

    (My Yiddish is a bit rusty, my apologies.)
     
  5. beanpole

    beanpole Member

    I'm having that issue with my 3-year-old, but I'm not at the smacking stage yet. Two people asked him if he was excited to have Santa visit yesterday when we were out running errands, but I quickly said, "We celebrate Hanakkah" and that solved the problem.
     
  6. ThomsonONE

    ThomsonONE Member

    Even better

    http://www.metatube.com/en/videos/5439/Christmas-Time-for-the-Jews-SNL/
     
  7. Flying Headbutt

    Flying Headbutt Moderator Staff Member

    Jewish co-worker of mine sent me a Christmas card since he knows I celebrate it, and then made sure to wish me a merry Christmas yesterday, and then happily said thank you when I wished him the same yesterday. It's just something nice and pleasant.
     
  8. spnited

    spnited Active Member

    As a Jewish co-worker of mine always says:

    "To my Christian friends, Merry Christmas. To my Jewish friends, see you at the movies."
     
  9. leo1

    leo1 Active Member

    yeah, i'm not offended either about being wished a merry christmas by a million strangers. they mean well.

    but i wasn't quite sure how to handle it when my 2 year old came home from daycare singing christmas carols. she also belts out dreidel-dreidel-dredeil, so it's OK.
     
  10. Webster

    Webster Well-Known Member

    My 4 year old has been wishing people a Merry Christmas and then telling them that we don't celebrate because we are Jewish.

    Of course, that didn't stop her from accepting a chocolate Santa from our next door neighbors.
     
  11. Madhavok

    Madhavok Active Member

    This is why, especially where I live, to wish strangers a nice 'Happy Holidays'. If I know they celebrate x-mas, I'll wish them a merry Christmas.
     
  12. Double J

    Double J Active Member

    Any guy in an Oprah audience, no matter the topic, should have turned in his man card at the gate. ;D
     
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