A Dying Parent, Forgiving, Forgetting -- FINAL UPDATE

Re: A Dying Parent, Forgiving, Forgetting -- UPDATE

I'm sorry to hear about your dad, Matt. Best wishes.

 

Re: A Dying Parent, Forgiving, Forgetting -- UPDATE

The candles are lighted and the prayers rise with their comforting light.

 

Re: A Dying Parent, Forgiving, Forgetting -- UPDATE

Matt, ramble away. Many of us have been there and we're happy to offer any assistance we can, no matter how small it may be.

May you and your family find as much peace as possible in such a difficult time. It isn't easy, no matter what kind of relationship you have with him. All you can do is be there for him and for your family and try to hold on to as many good thoughts and memories as possible when he is gone. You can't just erase the bad stuff. My dad has been gone nine years now and I still remember the bad with the good. But sometimes I think of something he did or I tell my little girl about her Grandpa and I smile (no person alive is going to get that reference).

Keep what BYH wrote in mind. Everybody reacts differently, but a lot of what he wrote sounds like my experiences when my father died. It really is so hard to know what to say or not to say. There are no right or wrong answers except being there for them, and I know you are doing that just as he did that for his mother.

BYH, I suspected from some posts I've seen, but this is the first I'm reading that your mother passed. I'm very sorry for your loss.

 

Re: A Dying Parent, Forgiving, Forgetting -- UPDATE

Matt,

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Though it's short, I think this is one of the best threads on the board. Thanks for sharing with us.

 

Re: A Dying Parent, Forgiving, Forgetting -- UPDATE

This is an amazing thread, and I thank everyone for their contributions.

I have a question. My father-in-law was diagnosed with Alzheimer's a few months ago and he's slowly becoming more confused and is pretty much homebound. My wife's side of the family is much different from my side---we talk too much, they talk too little. All of the burden for caring for this man is falling on my wife because her brother is not visiting, responding to calls and emails, etc. And I understand how tough it must be to deal with your father being in that state. The question is---should my wife and I say that to my brother-in-law, about appreciating the time you have left and if you stay away out of fear you'll regret it---or is it none of our business and just let things be to keep some semblance of family together? I'm a loudmouth so I'll probably say something anyway, but I am curious the opinions of those who've been through similar situations. Thanks.

 

Re: A Dying Parent, Forgiving, Forgetting -- UPDATE

Castaway: As someone who has not dealt with a dying parent, but sees it on the horizon and thinks of things like this often. It's also a big discussion point amongst my close friends, all of which have either already dealt with it or are dealing with it now.

My 2 cents is that your wife should have that talk with her brother. She should do it once and if it causes a behavior change, great. If it doesn't, it's on him and she did everything should could do. Everyone deals with these things in their own way, but in the end they have to live with those decisions.

And BYH...I was very touched by your email. I don't recall reading that your mom died, and I was sorry to read about that.

 

Re: A Dying Parent, Forgiving, Forgetting -- UPDATE

Castaway, I'm not sure what your relationship with your brother-in-law is like, but I think it might be best if she had the talk with him. There is just a connection and history there that you don't have and it certainly isn't an easy conversation to have.

It sounds like she should say something, but not push to hard. Everybody has to handle these things in their own way. If she pushes too hard, it's just going to get unpleasant for all of you.

 

Re: A Dying Parent, Forgiving, Forgetting -- UPDATE

Matt,
Hugs and candle lit, brother. Keep a close eye on your mom, because they tend to not be as strong as we think they are, especially when their husbands die. Some here know I'm still struggling with the effect my dad's death has had on my mom -- 13 years later.
Take care.
A.

 

Re: A Dying Parent, Forgiving, Forgetting -- UPDATE

Matt,

I'm going to underline what was just said, because it's very important. Be there for your mom, too. This is the hardest thing she's ever gone through. Let her know you're there to fall back on.

Thoughts are with you.

 

Re: A Dying Parent, Forgiving, Forgetting -- UPDATE

Many thanks to all of you for your thoughts, prayers and opinions.

Castaway, be loud mouthed and say what you need to say... you'll be the better person for it and you will know that you have done all that you can.

AMac and Shotty, the worry i have for my Mom is unbelievable. 48.5 years of marriage, and for the last 30, dad's been dealing with health issues. Mom's the prototypical old-school wife. Never held a job outside the home, but worked her butt off in the home raising two kids and doing what needed to be done. She's a survivor and a fighter, but these next few months and years are going to be really hard for her, and I will be there for her. Thanks for keeping all of us in your thoughts.

 

Re: A Dying Parent, Forgiving, Forgetting -- UPDATE

Be there for her. Do NOT let her become dependent upon you.

If you ever need to vent, just PM me.

 

Re: A Dying Parent, Forgiving, Forgetting -- UPDATE

He's going downhill fast... almost too fast...

After talking with Mom on Monday, I make plans to be out there Thursday at 5... it's 13 hours if I drive and I had previous work commitment for Wednesday that I would be able to keep.

As I'm driving out there, I talk to Mom and tell her to specifically ask the Hospice nurse (he's on home Hospice care) the question. Am I safe with that schedule or should I drop everything and get there ASAP... Mom had assured me that I'd be fine with the weekend so I wasn't panicking, but wanted to be sure. Not 25 minutes later she calls back, crying, saying the nurse said drop everything... she was playing it safe, but she said it would be best if I got there asap. So I do that, and drive 11 hours today, and am three hours away (I had gone slightly out of the way because of the direction of the work).

Mom's got a tremendous support network of friends there, and seems to be holding up fine... I know she wants me there, so I'll be up by 7 in the morning and should be there by 11... once I shower, etc.

Thanks again, everyone, for your thoughts and prayers.