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A Dying Parent, Forgiving, Forgetting -- FINAL UPDATE

Discussion in 'Anything goes' started by Matt1735, Feb 2, 2009.

  1. Re: A Dying Parent, Forgiving, Forgetting

    Lono, great story. My dad's long gone, but I always tell my mom and wife and kids "I love you" at the end of every conversation and many times a day. I learned at age 12 the hard way that sometimes in life, dad doesn't come home from work and life is fragile.

    I had a similar experience to the original post with one of my grandmothers. I had a falling out with her right before she died and I felt bad about it. But my aunt found a poem I wrote about my dad dying in my grandmother's purse when she died. So I sort of felt like that was her way of making peace. That piece of paper is one of many things I have from her I treasure.

    My son is named for my dad and my daughter has my other grandmother's name and I try to keep all of their memories alive by telling my kids about my dad and my grandparents.
     
  2. Frank_Ridgeway

    Frank_Ridgeway Well-Known Member

    Re: A Dying Parent, Forgiving, Forgetting

    I had a good dad. But he didn't want to talk about his impending death, even to the extent of what to do with his remains. Now, he was not a stupid man, he knew the dictionary definition of "hospice" and that they don't have you live in one unless they think death is imminent. I don't think the hospice people had any reason to believe he'd last six months in there, but that's what happened. And except for the last two weeks of it, he kept saying he wasn't going any time soon, no matter what his doctors said, and by the final two weeks he wasn't capable of talking very much at all. If he wanted to believe that, that was his choice, and I don't think it would have helped his morale if we behaved as if we didn't believe that was possible. My family was basically in agreement that his staying alive as long as he could, in a reasonably upbeat frame of mind, was more important than some conversations we might have with him. My mom got exasperated a couple times and said, "If you won't tell us what to do with you, you're going to get cremated." (Which is what happened.) It's maybe not how everyone would want it, but you have to consider what he wants, too. If he doesn't want to have end-of-life conversations, or conversations that seem like any sort of goodbye, that's how it's going to be. I don't have any major regrets about it nearly six years later -- I'm glad we had those extra months that no one thought we'd have. As someone else mentioned on this thread, that generation tended to not be touchy-feely.
     
  3. Baron Scicluna

    Baron Scicluna Well-Known Member

    Re: A Dying Parent, Forgiving, Forgetting

    I consider myself lucky when my grandmother died.

    I loved her, but we didn't see each other enough to talk deep about issues. Plus, as a teenager, I really didn't want to confide in my grandmother. That's just how I was.

    But she was hospitalized for several weeks after having a heart attack. One weekend, my mom took me to see her. I had a very bad cold, and at first, the doctors didn't want to let me in. But my family persuaded them to as long as I wore one of those medical masks.

    Both my mom and my aunt warned me that Grandma would want me to kiss her goodbye, and to tell her that I couldn't because of my cold. When the time came to leave, she asked and I told her I couldn't. She said it would be OK, and pointed to her cheek. I decided to kiss her anyways, despite the warnings.

    She left the hospital a few days later, but suffered another heart attack and died a week later.

    I didn't get to see her again, but I'm glad I got to give her that last kiss goodbye.
     
  4. Voodoo Chile

    Voodoo Chile Member

    Re: A Dying Parent, Forgiving, Forgetting

    My father just died a month ago and I was in the same situation. The best advice I can give is that whatever you need to say is way more important than whatever you want to hear. Just be with your dad, tell him the things you want to tell him and make your peace with that. Often with our fathers, we want to hear them say something they don't think they need to say to us, and there's no way to force that.
     
  5. nmmetsfan

    nmmetsfan Active Member

    Re: A Dying Parent, Forgiving, Forgetting

    I've got more experience with this than I would like, for what it's worth.

    My only advice is that if there is something you want to tell him, don't hesitate. Don't expect reciprocation.
    If you are looking for him to explain his actions or make amends for anything, you're going to be disappointed. He likely did the best he could, the only way he knew. He probably knows he has shortcomings and doesn't need them pointed out. Imagine yourself in a situation where you were facing death, and one of your children pointed out some of the bad things you did to them, mistakes you had made.

    Spending time with him without the anxiousness and expectations of getting answers, just to be there and show him you love him, can create some of the best, lasting memories of your relationship with him. It would probably put him at peace. And doing good things for others is the quickest way to make yourself feel better, too. If you are able to do so.
     
  6. crusoes

    crusoes Active Member

    Re: A Dying Parent, Forgiving, Forgetting

    I guess my question is, once you ask the questions, are you prepared for what answers you might get? You may get none. You may not like them at all. You should be ready, no matter what, and deal with it accordingly.
     
  7. Matt1735

    Matt1735 Well-Known Member

    Re: A Dying Parent, Forgiving, Forgetting

    I'd like to thank everyone for their thoughts, opinions and their own personal stories. Just to update a thing or two... I do live about 13 hours from them, so while I will be visiting, I cannot be there constantly or for long periods of time.

    After reading what has been said here and reconciling with myself what I would want to say and what the purpose would be for saying a lot of things, I'm pretty much content with a decision that the past is the past and there are no real positives that I can gain from reopening old wounds. I may be there and change my mind depending on how things are going but the potential good that can come isn't worth the harm that can be caused to the other family members.
     
  8. albert77

    albert77 Well-Known Member

    Re: A Dying Parent, Forgiving, Forgetting

    I'm the oldest in my family and my Dad was in the Navy when I was born. He spent the first 10 days of my life with me and my mom, then he shipped out and was gone the next 10 months. When he came back, he was a stranger. We're also a lot alike and we butted heads when I was a child. As a result, we have never quite had the same close relationship my siblings have with him. My mom and I can talk for hours about anything and everything, but Dad and I still to this day have trouble with small talk. We have both over the years worked at getting closer, but it's still tough sometimes, especially now that he's nearing 80.

    It's ironic, though. Last year, we were at a funeral for a cousin of mine, who died of breast cancer at age 50. I was sitting next to my mother as this girl's sister went up to give a eulogy and my mom whispered to me, "take notes, because you're going to be doing that for your father when the time comes." And I thought to myself, what would I say about him, more importantly, what will I say to him as the end approaches? I honestly don't know. I think I've got some time to ponder that subject, because he's still in very good health, but you never know.
     
  9. Matt1735

    Matt1735 Well-Known Member

    Re: A Dying Parent, Forgiving, Forgetting -- UPDATE

    The Hospice nurse said Dad has less than a month to live today. Even though she said she could be wrong, I'm sure she's not.

    Dad's been going downhill really hard, really fast these last couple of weeks.

    I don't know how I feel about all of it... I've never been as close to him as I would have liked (I think I explained that elsewhere), but at the same point, this truly sucks.

    It sucks that he's going through this, it sucks for my brother and I... but it really sucks for my mother, the person who's life was being with my father. She is the typical 1960s wife/mother... stayed home with us, never was employed outside the house (but worked her fanny off inside, raising us and doing everything for him and us...)

    I have no idea what the next few months will bring, except that my dad will finally be out of the pain/discomfort he's been in for a long while... and that my mom will be undergoing the worst possible pains she can ever feel.

    Thanks, SJ, for letting me have a place to ramble and not feel bad doing it...
     
  10. HC

    HC Well-Known Member

    Re: A Dying Parent, Forgiving, Forgetting -- UPDATE

    I'm sorry for your pain, Matt. You and your family are in my thoughts.
     
  11. BYH

    BYH Active Member

    Re: A Dying Parent, Forgiving, Forgetting -- UPDATE

    Matt:

    I've learned, twice, over the past two months that those hospice nurses are very rarely wrong when it comes to estimating how much time a patient has left. All I can say is to make sure you say what you need to say, preferably while your Dad is still lucid, but while he's out of it, if need be.

    My mom died March 14, and while I will forever be grateful for the fact that we had a wonderful relationship and that we didn't have to spend her last few months making up for lost time or mending fences, I still sometimes wish I'd said the things I always thought about her. I'm confident she knows how much I loved her, how much I admired her, how much I appreciated her, how much I wanted to make her proud of me, but I wish I'd said those things while she was still lucid. But I didn't want to, b/c I didn't want her to think "Great. I'm dying." Even though we all knew she was, and even though I know in her heart she knew she was.

    When we got the news that it would be a couple days at most the morning of March 14, I had myself a few good cries and then took my Mom's hand and said what I needed to say. The family priest said the last thing to go is hearing, so I believe she heard me (she was hooked up to oxygen and basically in a coma). Again, I would have liked to have said it earlier, but I take solace in saying it at all.

    It sounds crazy to say it, but the adrenaline will carry you thru the funeral. There's just stuff that needs to be done, and you do it. It also helps to remember your Dad. When Mom died, my sister and I spent the next couple nights with my Dad (as well as with my wife and my sister's hubby) trading old stories of our childhood and laughing at the hell we raised and the hell we put them through. Dad didn't remember half of it, and the truth is my sister and I probably raised the mildest trouble imaginable, but he smiled and laughed and it was important for all of us to remember good times with Mom.

    It's after the funeral that the adrenaline fades and reality starts to set in. Be there for your Mom, in whatever fashion she wants. Maybe she wants to talk about Dad, or go out and shop or do something. Or maybe she just wants to be left alone, but finds comfort in having you in the same house or expecting a phone call from you at a certain time every night. You'll know what to do.

    Good luck, and I join HC in thinking good thoughts for you and your family.
     
  12. KYSportsWriter

    KYSportsWriter Well-Known Member

    Re: A Dying Parent, Forgiving, Forgetting -- UPDATE

    matt, my prayers are with you and your family.

    stuff like this is why i'm glad i've been able to reconnect with my dad, who i didn't see or hear from for more than a decade.

    he had a heart attack 5 years ago, and i don't know what i would have done if he had died.

    i most likely wouldn't have found my sister, bethany, and i never would have gotten the chance to hear his side of things and forgive him.
     
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