A Dying Parent, Forgiving, Forgetting -- FINAL UPDATE

Re: A Dying Parent, Forgiving, Forgetting

You know, my pops wasn't the ideal dad when I was growing up. There were times when he bordered on abuse (beatings with a belt, closed fist punches), he could be controlling as hell and there were periods when my sisters and I were definitely afraid every time he came home. I held a grudge through my 20s and most of my 30s. One of my 42yo sisters still does. But about 4-5 years ago, I let it go. Just let it go.

Now, Dad has mellowed. And I've learned more him, talking to Mom and various relatives. Why was he that way? Well, maybe because my grandfather was twice as bad to him. Hell, Dad was a big step in the right direction from what I understand of Grandpa Killick, who died when I was six months old. Maybe it was the stress of trying to raise a family on a heating and air conditioning repairman's pay, putting the kids through Catholic schools and college plans. There were times when fried balogna sandwiches were dinner. We kids thought it was a treat. Mom finally told me that was when money was particularly tight. Or maybe Dad was the way he was because I could be a whiny ungrateful little shit. Knowing me, it's entirely possible.

The point of all this is this: Whatever the issues, whatever the causes, whatever the familial sins, the only words that matter now are "I love you, Pop." Whatever those issues were, they were his. I refuse to let Grandpa Killick's shit, trickled down through my dad, become my issues. Lord knows, that line probably extends far before my grandfather. Probably even further than his grandfather.

Just let it go. Let it go, and let the man who helped give you life and make you what you are today (either through positive or negative effect) pass on with a slightly easier burden. Tell him you love him, and forget all the recriminations.

Amen, lono. I do the same thing.

 

Re: A Dying Parent, Forgiving, Forgetting

I have the opposite issue. My grandfather was never very talkative. He just didn't talk about issues the way my dad continues to try to pry out of me.

I'm sure my grandfather's taciturn ways frustrated Dad when he was growing up. He must think he's raising his father in some respects. As talkative as I can be about everything else, I don't open up very much about issues to my family.

More to the point, however, I made a decision to exclude negative people from my life when I was fighting cancer. With all the issues between me and my mother (including the fact she won't let shit go that happened almost TWENTY FUCKING YEARS AGO), I've decided my mother is one of those people who can't be in my life.

Forgiveness is a two-way street. Moving on with each one in the other's life needs both people doing so to work. Otherwise, we'll move on without each other. And I'm OK with that.

 

Re: A Dying Parent, Forgiving, Forgetting

Talking about the issues will help you even if it doesn't produce specific, desired impact from your dad. You will feel better about yourself for having overcome the reluctance to address the issues. You will feel some relief and peace that you made the attempt. In the end, it will be one less thing you'll have to think about or stress about in the future.

 

Re: A Dying Parent, Forgiving, Forgetting

Need to remember that more often. Thanks, lono.

I saw my father for the last time when I was 8 before going overseas for three-plus years. A couple of phone convos when we got back stateside, but always with my mother listening on another line (she tried to deny it ... even I wasn't that dumb). He died when I was a teenager and I still do not know the cause.

I lost my step-grandmother a few months after years in a nursing home. She had suffered from dementia for many years, and unfortunately, the years before those were lost as my parents and grandparents didn't speak for five years. She was the only maternal grandmother I knew as my biological died 10 years before I was born. We were very close growing up, and without her, I dunno if I hold together through an ugly, ugly divorce (none of them are good, of course, but this involved a custody battle and an uncommon amount of bad blood).

And now my stepfather is sliding pretty badly mentally. I'm not handling it well at all. Another failure on my part.

Matt, resolve everything you can as soon as you can. If you end up making compromises, either with him or within yourself, fine. At least you know you gave it everything you had. You have to try, otherwise you end up with a lifetime of regret.

Please take that from someone who knows.

 

Re: A Dying Parent, Forgiving, Forgetting

If there is anything you regret...anything at all, by all means, I think you need to address that with him.

But as others have said, make sure you are there.

I had the awful ordeal of having my wife not to get patch things up with her dad before he died suddenly.

I think she is finally at peace with things, but there was a lot left unsaid...from both parties...that she struggled with for quite some time.

If you have a chance to bury the hatchett, I would strongly recommend it.

Guilt is a horrible thing to live with for the rest of your life.

 

Re: A Dying Parent, Forgiving, Forgetting

There are questions I never asked my Dad but in the end, they don't matter. What matters is that my Dad is dead and I'll never see him again. I didn't get to see him before he died because I was supposed to visit him but needed emergency surgery. See your dad and be with him whether you can ask the questions you have or not. In the end, the answers are not as important as you might think.

 

Re: A Dying Parent, Forgiving, Forgetting

I had an extremely close relationship with my dad, and knew him well enough for him to once ask me, rhetorically, how I always seemed to know what he was thinking. And yet, I am still haunted by things I never asked him. Try to do what you can to ease your mind, while you have the chance.

 

Re: A Dying Parent, Forgiving, Forgetting

I lost my dad four years ago. We were kindred spirits and never had a bad word for each other my entire 40 years. I told him I loved him several times during his last years, knowing because of his failing health that each time I saw him may be the last. It was painful when he died but had no regrets. I think of him every day but it's with no regrets. With my mom, it's not the same. We have a very awkward relationship. At the advice of a shrink I saw a few times last year I wrote my mom a letter telling her that I loved her and detailed all the reasons I did so, including the fact that she kept our family together during years when my Dad's drinking was bad. I mailed it to her and she had never mentioned it, which the shrink said she wouldn't. I'm glad I did it, though.
My advice is like others above. Just go visit him, hug him or hold his hand and tell him you love him. Don't bring up anything from the past, unless it's accompanied by an apology on your part. Why hurt a dying man that you love?
Take care

 

Re: A Dying Parent, Forgiving, Forgetting

Matt, you have to trust your instincts. If you feel it is important to have that type of conversation, have it. I have to disagree with the canucklehead on this one. This isn't just about your father. It's about you, too. It is different for those of us who have a rocky relationship with a parent when they are dying. Not easier. Not harder. Just different.

If you don't feel like it is worth opening old wounds, then just be there. Just talk, or try to give him the opportunity to talk. Or just be there and available to him. Even if you aren't on the best of terms, he's your father. Whatever he did or didn't do doesn't matter. It's what you do that matters.

My relationship with my father was better near the end, but it was never good. The reasons why don't matter. I put it all aside to be there for him at the end and I'm glad I made that decision.

 

Re: A Dying Parent, Forgiving, Forgetting

Well said, HC.

Hugs.

 

Re: A Dying Parent, Forgiving, Forgetting

Jesus, it just got too damn dusty in here.

My dad's alive, mom's not, but the being there for the last breath part just broke me.

As for my father, I've tried to have a more open relationship with him since mom died, but he always reverts back to the Vietnam veteran gruffness that has always plagued our relationship. He knows I love him but I'll never be close to him.

As for the thread creator's dilemma: Please try. You don't want any last words to someone you love to be without meaning.

 

Re: A Dying Parent, Forgiving, Forgetting

Matt: Been in your shoes just recently and I'm aware of the things you think of in these situations.

Weeks and months after my dad died unexpectedly, all I thought of were the things I should have told him, wanted to tell him, and never did. I vowed that wasn't going to happen with my mother. Her ability to communicate was all but gone by the time she was admitted to hospice care, but for my own peace of mind I had to do it. Even though our talks were primarily one way and sometimes I wasn't even sure she knew who I was, every time I walked out of her room I felt as though an immense weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

Be loving. Make the most of the time that's left.