14 Songs You Should Never Play In A Bar

Zeke12...these lyrics must be a regional thing. Here in Virginia, all the douchebag Parrotheads fill the silence with "Salt...salt...salt."

 

As a Parrothead, I absolutely loathe that chant at bars, at the lake and at concerts.

 

14 reasons not to go to a bar that has a juke box.

 

Nice.

Yeah, Circus, I've heard it with, "Where's the salt, where's the God-Damn Salt!" as well.

It all sucks.

 

Holy fuckin crap. You rool.

 

I can understand that. But I can also tell you that one of my most memorable concert-going experiences was seeing Billy Joel for the first time in the fall of '93 and observing the collective ejaculatory experience that is Piano Man. And that was in Haaaaaaaaaatford. You've got to see Piano Man performed when Billy's on his home turf. Holy crap. (And you REALLY have to see him perform Goodnight Saigon with Vietnam vets singing backup...incredibly moving)

In related news, Fenian has no idea why he wants to return here and rip me from head to toe.

 

Oh, I think he has an inkling.

 

The worst/greatest live performance I've seen was "Hotel California" in some mall bar in Corpus Christi, Texas, in 1992. I wish I could remember the name of this place, which was some Texas chain that featured the most craptastic "talent" night after night, like Dave's Duo -- Jesus, Dave, there's only other guy in the band, and won't allow him to put his name in there, you egotistical fuck? Anyway, some dork was singing acoustical James Taylor sleepy bullshit, until he put down his guitar, turned on some tape machine, and started singing to "Hotel California." Except he sang it in a high-pitched wail like he was Chris Cornell with his balls in a vise:

"ON A DARKEST DESERT HIGHWAY!!!!!!
COOL WIND IN MY HAIRRRRRRRR!!!!!!"

 

That was a night Zeke12 kicked a passing dog and he had no idea why.

 

Since when do I need a focking reason?

 

Our favorite dive bar near campus was owned by a pair of stoners who would "take the stage" every Saturday night and sing half-assed cover songs. Their catalogue was mostly limited to singing Margaritaville or American Pie over and over and over again, with multiple breaks per song for shots. Dumbass college kids would buy these guys shots--remember, THEY OWNED THE BAR!!!!--and bring 'em to the stage.

"Bye bye miss American pie SHOTS!!!" They'd down 'em and pick up right where they left off. "drove the levee to the levee but the levee was dry. SHOTS!!!"

We were laughing at them, not with them.

 

That's what Jimmy's band does in concert. Annoying as hell then, too.