10,000 Favorite Quotes from The Simpsons

"I don't understand how one convicted felon could get so many votes and our convicted could get so few."

Homer: "Hello, Fat Tony. Still with the Mafia?"
Mo Syzlak when Duff defeat Duff Light in the Duff Bowl during the Lisa the gambler episode: "Ahh, they wanted it more."

 

Sideshow Bob: "Someday, SOMEDAY, I'll come back and get you Bart Simpson."

(God bless Kelsey Grammer.)

 

Fucking awesome thread!!! Congrats Goonie!

Ralph: "My cat's breath smells like cat food." (can't believe no one mentioned this yet, thanks guys!)

Big Brother/Big Sister rep: "So Mr. Simpson why do you want to be a Big Brother?"
Homer's brain: "Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge."
Homer: "Revenge?"
Homer's brain: "That's it, I'm outta here." (brain walks down steps, opens up car door and drives off)

(that might be the funniest exchange ever, BTW)

 

I bent my wookie.

 

Sideshow Bob: Attempted murder, now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry?

 

Snakes! Snakes! Everywhere! Snakes!

Mr. Gumble, are you practicing for Whacking Day?

What's Whacking Day?

 

Bart: What a day, eh, Milhouse? The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them -- as is my understanding ...

 

One each from two of my favorite episodes -- the one where Homer stops going to church ...

Rev. Lovejoy: Homer, I'd like you to remember Matthew 7:26.: "A foolish man who built his house on sand."
Homer: And you remember... Matthew ... 21:17!
Rev. Lovejoy: "And he left them and went out of the city into Bethany and he lodged there"?
Homer:Yeah... (regains his nerve) Think about it!

... and the one with the monorail (which is a gold mine of great quotes).

Marge: Homer, there's a man here who thinks he can help you.
Homer: Batman?!
Marge: No, he's a scientist.
Homer: Batman's a scientist.
Marge: It's not Batman!

 

Wiggum: Uh, I hate to interrupt your fun, boys. But, I got a few complaints that your game is crooked.
Homer: And how!
Wiggum: Gee, I hate to close you down. Maybe we can reach a little uh, understanding here.
Homer: I understand.
Bart: Um, hey dad, I.. I.. think he wants..
Homer: Not now, son. Daddy's talking to a policeman.
Wiggum: Let me put it this way. I'm looking for my friend, "Bill". Have you seen any "Bills" around here?
Homer: No, he's Bart.
Wiggum:Listen carefully, and watch me wink as I speak, okay?
Homer: Okay.
Wiggum: The guy I'm really looking for (wink) is Mr. "Bribe". (wink, wink)
Homer: It's a Ring Toss game.
Wiggum: Alright, I'm shutting this game down.

 

Homer: Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
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Homer: Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.

 

Smarmy Lawyer: If released, would you pose any threat to one Bart Simpson?
Sideshow Bob: Bart Simpson?! The spirited little scamp who twice foiled my evil schemes, and sent me to this dank, urine-soaked hell hole?
Parole Board Member #1: Ah, we object to the term "urine-soaked hellhole," when you could have said "peepee-soaked heckhole."
Bob: Cheerfully withdrawn.
Lawyer: Well, what about that tattoo on your chest? Doesn't it say "Die, Bart die?"
Sideshow Bob: No! That's German for "The Bart, the."
Parole Board Member #2: No one who speaks German could be an evil man.
Last Parole Board Member: Parole granted!

 

Ralph: That's where I saw the leprechaun.
Bart: Right, a leprechaun.
Ralph: He told me to burn things.