D.I.V.O.R.C.E.

I've had a lot of friends reach out over the years and ask for a referral for a divorce lawyer when they reach this point. I always give the referral, but I also encourage them to seek 1) marital counseling and 2) individual counseling. What you are experiencing is traumatic. And the marriage can be salvaged if both parties are willing to work toward it. It is the same advice a trusted friend, who also happens to be a lawyer, gave me when I thought my marriage was at an end nine years ago.

I have seen marriages survive substance abuse, gambling addiction, and infidelity, all after one spouse had left the marital home. Even a couple of swingers whose relationship had turned particularly toxic were able to reconcile.

All of that is not to discourage you from taking all the precautionary steps others have suggested or to disagree that ultimately divorce is the right answer. Rather it is to say, there's a reason you two got married in the first place and if both of you are willing to work, it is possible to reconcile.

 

Having gone back and re-read the original post, telling the kids about the divorce needs to be a conversation with both parents present.

 

I wish the best outcome for all parties. Not an easy thing for anyone to go through.

One comment, incessant cellphone use can be as destructive to a relationship as substance abuse or infidelity. There's a time and a place for everything. Nobody with parental responsibility needs to be on a damned device all day long.

 

To piggyback off this point, nothing is more disheartening than when you meet your friends at the bar and they spend the entire time engaged in their phone, and not conversation. Next time, I'll stay at home and watch TV. It's cheaper.

 

Do your best. I send the love of this household.

 

Cosmo-

If I'm at a dinner or party and it comes that time of night like it always does where people are looking at phones, it's my time to go. Worthy time for Irish exit.

 

I’m gonna miss the dog.

 

This is very important to keep in mind, though obviously the age of the children involved is a factor. My brother and I were both in high school when our parents got divorced. We were more relieved than anything.

Swingline, as someone else mentioned, it really should be both of you telling the children together. If you can still make that happen with the younger one, I strongly encourage you to do so. It sounds like she is dumping a lot of blame on you. That can spill over into what she tells your children. That can get thoroughly shitty.

 

So many people here were helpful to me during my divorce, her death by alcoholism and the good times in the 5 years since we split.

We were in bad shape even 15 years ago but I couldn’t leave the kids at that age. Also had child custody concerns. My TV schedule led to multiple divorce attorneys telling me to “stay married” or else I would be broke AND barely allowed to see the kids. So I stayed.

But then it got worse.

Phones/social media was a part of it. For years, she never took an interest in me. Instead of being “with” me, she would read novels. Then it became her smart phone. Then it became more smoking. Then Facebook. Then drinking wine. Then vodka. So I left.

Money will be tight for a while and so will your confidence. That’s okay.

When you’re ready to “get back out there”, it gets better. Your potential dating pool will have brains, probably money (maybe THEY get spousal support!) and they know what they want. Divorced mommies don’t run the four corners offense. They take it straight to the hole.

 

I would buy another one ASAP. I have seen how the companionship a dog provides in times of great stress is a godsend.

 

I’m not getting another dog. This one is so smart and good-natured, he’s spoiled me/us. All my other dogs were hunting dogs, so it’s been a change having one in the house.

And, dear god, no cats.