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Discussion in 'Writers' Workshop' started by Patrick Murphy, Aug 26, 2020.

  1. studthug12

    studthug12 Active Member

    I will say these are basically just a roundup from what happened. You went to journo school, just asking. One of the first things you learn is writing by the inverted pyramid. Start with the most important things first, not just going in order of how they scored. Like your others stories as others have said. Spice up the lede to try and get people to read through. Also at these 8-yo tourneys, talk to a kid. It generates much more interest from people at the event...OMG Anibelle was interviewed by the Democrat! Also get details from these games to put people there...10 yo Sally Jones paced in the outfield still fretting over her previous AB where she struck out...but in the 5th inning Jones delivered the biggest hit of the game..
     
  2. The editor wants me to write my lede like that. I know I can do better with my lede.
     
  3. ringer

    ringer Active Member

    Okay, here's a chance to prove it. Why don't you re-write the first half of this piece (without any editor intervention) and post it. Let's the group what your "better" looks like. At the same time, you can also re-write that random DART piece. Try again. It's only 150 about words. You should be able to do that. Let's see if you can implement the feedback you keep seeking on this board.
     
  4. Ummm no.
     
  5. ringer

    ringer Active Member

    Okay, then please stop wasting everyone's time on this board. You've proven that you have no interest in learning or improving. You've demonstrated that you're only interesting in seeking praise and blaming your editor (and your subjects!!) for your shortcomings and hubris. Nobody can help you. You know everything. Bye!
     
  6. I actually do have an interest in learning. I learn by doing, not just looking at everyone's comments.
     
  7. adcs2

    adcs2 Member

    "I learn by doing, not just looking at everyone's comments."

    Well wouldn't DOING be taking Ringer's advice and post a re-write of the piece in the style he suggested.

    Here is my recap:

    1) You posted a link to a story asking for feedback
    2) Feedback was provided and suggestions were made
    3) You blamed the editor for the lede and why you structured the piece sequentially (I question whether the SE actually wants it that way but will take your word for it)
    4) Someone recommended a rewrite where you don't write the facts in the order they occurred.
    5) You (rather rudely) declined
    6) So ultimately, you don't want feedback and as has been said - stop wasting everyone's time
     
  8. Danwriter

    Danwriter Member

    NATCHEZ, MISSISSIPPI, Aug. 29 — A single-engine writer crashed and burned yesterday near Natchez. Authorities are still searching for the lone occupant. NTSB technicians at the site said it's too early to positively determine a cause but a preliminary report seemed to suggest pilot error.
     
    Last edited: Aug 29, 2020
  9. Yeah. But I did write a better recap about a game last night.
     
  10. Scout

    Scout Well-Known Member

    VIDALIA — The Diamond Dolls 8U softball team’s offense and defense came up huge to win 14-12 over Cleveland Chaos in the 8U division at the Louisiana River Rumble tournament on Saturday.

    Lily Brooke McDonald came up huge for the Dolls offense with a home run in the fifth inning and doubles by Jade Dye and Laney Folds.

    The defense held Chaos to one run in the bottom of the fifth to win the championship. Emma Orr, Dolls’ first baseman, was named the MVP for her defensive skills at first base. Orr also went 3-for-3 at the plate.

    “She did a phenomenal job at first base,” said Luke Janette, coach of the Diamond Dolls. “Orr and McDonald, our pitcher, have been our two leaders all year. We had a good tournament and I’m proud of the Dolls.”

    10U division


    The Bombers Red lost 9-2 to the Louisiana Lady Crushers in the 10U division championship game on Saturday.

    Bombers’s Kierstyn Thomas stole two bases and Madison Greene scored a run in the first inning. Tommy Greene, head coach of Bombers Red, said he knows what the Bombers need to work on for its next tournament.

    “We’re not used to seeing hitters hit the ball like the Lady Crushers,” Greene said. “We have to work on outfield play and hitting the ball. I think our infielders were pretty good but we need to clean up our outfield play.”

    The Lady Crushers offense was led by Avery Hankins who had two RBIs and went 2-for-2 at the plate. Jenna Beth Simmons was also key for Louisiana’s offense as she hit an RBI triple in the bottom of the first.

    Ella Moody was key on the mound for the Lady Crushers. She held the Bombers to two runs, struck out five batters and gave up zero hits.

    “My form was good, I had confidence in my pitches and I just had a good day on the mound,” said Moody.

    Bombers Red finished 1-1 in pool play against Louisiana Lady Crushers and Diamond Dolls-Young and finished as runners-up in the 10U division.

    The Diamond Dolls-Young went 0-2 in pool play, lost 12-3 to the Bombers in the first round, lost 14-8 in the second round and finished last out of three teams.



    People who really give a shit about the play-by-play were there in person. Everyone else does not care.

    People do like seeing their name in the paper. The more ways you can get a kid's name in the paper, the better it is for the reader.

    Never use the same descriptor twice in a story or roundup.
     
    Liut likes this.
  11. Thank you sir. Like I said, I think I did better with the recap I wrote last night for the newspaper. I think what made me think about writing like this way was reading the part time reporter's writings.
     
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