Confessions of a parenting failure

Believe me, I'm not trying to be involved with this in any way other than to let my daughter unload her emotions ... then I come here and unload mine.

For those that asked, she called him up with the intention of breaking up because she didn't want to be 'exclusive' with anyone at 16. He beat her to the punch, however, and got the words out first -- in order to have control over a situation that he felt he didn't have control over. Like I said, a really good kid but he's had some tragic stuff going on that he hasn't had any control over.

In other developments, I spent the day with my first-grader making a road trip up to my old stomping grounds where we met with the mayor and some local business/community leaders about organizing an event I am now working on. My son was declared the honorary mayor of the town for a few hours. Alas, he didn't enact any groundbreaking reforms

 

But, Idaho, do you think he is looking to you as a stable, adult male?

 

And even if you feel uneasy about stepping into the role because of your daughter, are there connections from church, work, etc. that might be good candidates to fill that breech?

 

I've never said he was looking to me, or I was looking, to be that guy. That's not my intent in the slightest. We had some chats like that months ago, but I haven't had a single interaction with him since the breakup.

I'm not blabbering about how I can be his pseudo-father figure. I'm blabbering about how my 16-year-old daughter's recent ex is going through some very tough times and how she seems to be reaching an olive branch of support out to him during this difficult time. Honestly, I think I'm mostly worried about how my daughter, by being sympathetic and caring, is also opening herself up to another waive of emotional hurt and turmoil because if the relationship somehow starts anew, I don't think it will end well.

 

My 6-year-old son? Yes. I absolutely think he is looking to me to be a stable, adult male.

The ex-BF and I haven't had a single interaction since the breakup. I wouldn't and don't expect that to be the case. I hope I haven't accidentally implied that I was expecting some sort of relationship with him or that he wanted one with me since that day. I'm talking about issues my daughter is dealing with. Any interactions between the ex-BF and me were included solely to make a point that the kid is losing a lot of stability in his world and while he was dating my daughter we had a decent little chat once or twice -- but nothing I would consider father-son time.

 

OK, thanks for clearing that up.

Sorry if I pulled this in the wrong direction.

 

I remember my sister (17 at the time) had a boyfriend at the time who was working on big rig wheels in high school got his skull crushed by a rim that exploded (1979, split rims.) She stood by him through the surgeries and recovery but they were never the same afterwards. (He went on to college and got married I believe).

 

Since I brought it up - I understood perfectly what you implied. I feel as though I am responsible for any other kind of implication - because I'm the one who implied you consider being the kid's mentor out of sheer generosity to a kid in great need of it, separate of the kid's relationship with your kid.

In cases like these, I don't really think there's a single useful word of emotional-yet-platonic intimacy a 16-year-old kid can lend to a non-sibling. I can appreciate that sounds harsh toward teenagers, but, well. What 16-year-olds do tend to lend is whatever they can: Jokes, dumb gifts, tears, hugs, affection escalating from there. That's about all they're really equipped for these days.

If you're worried about your daughter, which is fair, I would simply suggest, as a thought, that you extend the olive branch. Don't have her out there attempting emotional transactions of kindness she can't complete without falling back into a relationship with the guy. Just a suggestion but maybe the best way to protect is to intercede for her.

 

Remember me??

Let's fast-forward a few months. My daughter is now a senior in high school a member of the varsity tennis team, the varsity cross country team and captain/president of the debate team after earning a trip to D.C. to represent the school and state at nationals last spring.

She's doing quite well. So well, in fact, that after years of joining me in making fun of the beauty-queen type girls she up and surprised me by entering the Miss Local Suburb Pageant because there is a lot of scholarship cash available. She was the 4th runner up -- the only HS aged girl to make the royalty -- and has turned things around at school so dramatically that she currently (granted, just 4 weeks into the school year) has straight A.

She seems to have finally transitioned out of the broken-heart status she had all spring and summer and has applying for scholarships as her new all-consuming focus in life. A much more appealing pursuit than boys, IMO

 

Appealing, no. Important, yes.

Good to hear, Ides.

 

Good to hear.

Now keep a Louisville Slugger by your front door for all of her suitors.

 

My focus is now turned to helping out my 7-year-old son as he tries to break out of his little shell and make friends at school ... no easy task considering he's not only shy, but also has an extremely short fuse