Author Topic: When to cut off deadbeat family members?  (Read 1890 times)

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Offline MisterCreosote

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When to cut off deadbeat family members?
« on: November 17, 2010, 06:59:08 PM »
I hate getting personal on forums such as these, but you all seem to have all the answers, so I ask: What would it take for you to cut off a family member who obviously doesn't have what it takes to live his/her life?

The reason I ask is because my brother has asked me for a sizeable loan - again - and I really don't want to give it to him because he doesn't manage money/life well, has pissed away all of the money I've given him in the past, has never paid me back one red cent, spends what little money he has on frivolous shit, and must have a handbook on how to fuck things up at any given time. And, it's not like I'm Nelson Rockefeller. I feel like I'm being used because I love his kids and somehow still hope the money goes to them.

If anyone has any thoughts, I'd be glad to hear them.

Offline Rosie

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Re: When to cut off deadbeat family members?
« Reply #1 on: November 17, 2010, 07:04:24 PM »
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

You tell him gently but firmly that you simply do not have the funds to loan. He's selfish, the money isn't going to the kids.
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Offline doubledown68

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Re: When to cut off deadbeat family members?
« Reply #2 on: November 17, 2010, 07:06:37 PM »
I've not had to deal with anything quite like this, but I think that if you tell him the reasons you stated, you'll be on the right path.

That's not to say you still can't or won't help him. Tell him you'll work with him on a resume, or help him do whatever he needs to do to land a job, or a better job, or whatever.

I'm not an overly religious guy, but the whole give a man to fish/teach him to fish thing might be the right tact to take.
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Offline albert77

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Re: When to cut off deadbeat family members?
« Reply #3 on: November 17, 2010, 07:21:48 PM »
Unfortunately, you are stuck on the horns of a serious dilemma. The choices here, as I see it, are to either cave in and give him what he wants in order to maintain a relationship with him and his family, or be hard-nosed and more than likely lose him and his family.

From the sound of it, it appears that he will NOT take kindly to any talk of self-help or repayment or any responsible stuff like that. It's all about him and what he wants, and fuck anyone else's feelings.

Sorry, I don't really have any real advice, but maybe this tact will help you more clearly delineate the decision you have to make. I feel for you.

Offline 21

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Re: When to cut off deadbeat family members?
« Reply #4 on: November 17, 2010, 07:23:01 PM »
What?? Crossed Giblets already!?  

What Rosie said. But if you decide to help: 1) Pay directly to the creditor without the money passing through your brother's hands; 2) don't ever expect to be paid back; and 3), if you're trying to help the kids, pay directly for things for the kids...hockey equipment or dance lessons or a college account only you can access.

And if you don't want to contribute, tell him you were just about to ask him for a loan, times are tough everywhere.

I feel for you, I've been through this on several levels,  including putting my mother's husband's deadbeat son's ex-wife's daughter through college....because i want to, not because someone guilted me into it. You'll meet her at Thanksgiving.

Good luck, I know it's hard.
« Last Edit: November 17, 2010, 09:16:03 PM by 21 »


Offline Babyjay

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Re: When to cut off deadbeat family members?
« Reply #5 on: November 17, 2010, 09:14:43 PM »
Best thing you can do for those kids, as they grow older, is let them spend a lot of time with you and teach them about responsible spending and saving.

Offline MacDaddy

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Re: When to cut off deadbeat family members?
« Reply #6 on: November 17, 2010, 09:15:10 PM »
I should make it clear that I've had many discussions like this with him in the past. He just doesn't get it. Yet I still give what I can ...

He doesn't get it because he has no reason to as long as you keep giving, he's going to keep taking. People don't change unless they have incentive to. Cut him off.

Offline micropolitan guy

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Re: When to cut off deadbeat family members?
« Reply #7 on: November 17, 2010, 09:15:40 PM »
If you like being used again and again, give him the money. You're being blackmailed. What's that definition of insanity again?
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Offline podunk press

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Re: When to cut off deadbeat family members?
« Reply #8 on: November 17, 2010, 09:33:58 PM »
He's never going to learn fiscal responsibility if you keep giving him "loans."

Cut him off. Tell him, point blank, that he needs to learn to navigate his own personal finances so he can be a positive example to his children.

And if he gets pissed? Good. Then maybe he'll do something about it.

My sister-in-law is freeloading off my in-laws right now. Graduated from college. No job. She just sits around doing nothing. Why? Because she is being enabled by the parents. Tough love is the best love sometimes.

Offline cjericho

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Re: When to cut off deadbeat family members?
« Reply #9 on: November 17, 2010, 09:46:30 PM »
since i have someone in my family who is a deadbeat/mooch i'll say cut him off now. Rosie summed it up nicely.

that does suck for his kids, but help them out. get them nice clothes for birthdays, holidays, take them to games or movies or swimming, skating, snowboarding, whatever they do. Do not give the money to your brother, find a way to directly help out the kids.

edit: also what 21 said. i didn't read everyone because i was pissed thinking about the person in my family. although i may disagree with helping pay off his credit, need to know more info than you probably should share. i would say it sounds like whatever you do for him will just be a temporary fix, but again obviously would need to know all details to make a judgement.
« Last Edit: November 17, 2010, 09:50:09 PM by cjericho »

Offline SpeedTchr

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Re: When to cut off deadbeat family members?
« Reply #10 on: November 17, 2010, 09:55:20 PM »
Tell him that this nation didn't become great by bailing out every...oh, wait...

Seriously, unless it is to buy a new kidney for one of the kids, turn him down.

Offline Mizzougrad96

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Re: When to cut off deadbeat family members?
« Reply #11 on: November 18, 2010, 06:44:00 AM »
If you give him anything, I would buy things for his kids.

I have no tolerance for anyone, family or otherwise, who feels a sense of entitlement or feels that everybody should help them out because they've hit hard times. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that 99 percent of the people on this board have had to work pretty hard for what little they have and just because someone has made the wrong choices doesn't mean you should feel any guilt about saying no.
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Offline canucklehead

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Re: When to cut off deadbeat family members?
« Reply #12 on: November 18, 2010, 01:36:26 PM »
it's real easy to not answer the phone or open e-mails.

Offline Ace

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Re: When to cut off deadbeat family members?
« Reply #13 on: November 18, 2010, 02:12:47 PM »

I don't mind giving (it's giving, not lending, if it's friends or family) people money if I can afford it, if they need it or would make good use of it and am comfortable with no expectation of ever getting it back.

We gave quite a bit of to a friend out of work with two small kids who really needed it.

Sounds like your brother doesn't meet that threshold.





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Offline nmmetsfan

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Re: When to cut off deadbeat family members?
« Reply #14 on: November 18, 2010, 02:42:42 PM »
I should make it clear that I've had many discussions like this with him in the past. He just doesn't get it. Yet I still give what I can, despite the fact that he actually has a good job - better than he's had in a long time. Where THAT money goes, I have no clue.

I've made repeated overtures aimed at taking the kids and raising them as my own, because at least then I know my money is going to be productive. This is not a possibility, apparently.

Thanks to everyone for your advice...

Of course not. If you're raising the kids, how is he going to guilt you (or others) into giving him more money? I'm with others. If it's about the kids, you make the payments you choose to help with directly. Don't let him get his hands on a dime.
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Offline TimmyP

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Re: When to cut off deadbeat family members?
« Reply #15 on: November 18, 2010, 02:44:46 PM »

I don't mind giving (it's giving, not lending, if it's friends or family) people money if I can afford it, if they need it or would make good use of it and am comfortable with no expectation of ever getting it back.

Agree 100 percent, Ace, on the "giving, not lending" point. We've helped family members a couple times in the past when they've asked and we've been able to, and the only stipulation that we make is that it's not a loan and we don't want it back.

I don't want to lose contact with a family member or close friend just because they feel funny showing their face because they owe me money from a "loan". I'd rather be without the money and still have them in my life.

Offline 93Devil

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Re: When to cut off deadbeat family members?
« Reply #16 on: November 18, 2010, 04:38:13 PM »
Tell him you can have whatever you want, but you first need to sit through a two-hour seminar on finances with Rick Stain. :)

Buy shit straight for the kids. Be sure it is shit that cannot be sold, either. Do school supplies and send them straight to the school.

Drug use in the picture?

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Offline farmerjerome

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Re: When to cut off deadbeat family members?
« Reply #17 on: November 18, 2010, 05:28:56 PM »
Casually mention that you're in trouble this time and you were thinking about asking him for a loan.
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Offline forever_town

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Re: When to cut off deadbeat family members?
« Reply #18 on: November 18, 2010, 08:37:45 PM »
I'm with Rosie.

Perhaps my perception is somewhat skewed because I grew up as an only child, but I don't see why your being his brother obligates you to give money you can ill afford to piss away to a man who will piss it away.

If he says he needs money for anything other than his kids, I'd suggest simply telling him, "look, I don't have the money to give you."

You wouldn't be lying. You don't have disposable enough income to give it to someone who won't be able to pay it back. If he weren't so frivolous with his money and he paid you back, I'm sure this wouldn't be an issue. Long story short: Your brother will never gain an ounce of responsibility if you don't cut the umbilical cord.
« Last Edit: November 18, 2010, 08:42:31 PM by forever_town »
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Offline 93Devil

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Re: When to cut off deadbeat family members?
« Reply #19 on: November 19, 2010, 08:54:46 AM »
MC, why doesn't he ask anyone else for money like another sibling or your parents?

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Online JakeandElwood

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Re: When to cut off deadbeat family members?
« Reply #20 on: November 19, 2010, 12:20:12 PM »
Tell him there's a reason for that, and you're done too.
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Offline 93Devil

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Re: When to cut off deadbeat family members?
« Reply #21 on: November 19, 2010, 01:02:38 PM »
Tell him there's a reason for that, and you're done too.

Yeah, you need to cut the cord.
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Offline jackfinarelli

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Re: When to cut off deadbeat family members?
« Reply #22 on: November 19, 2010, 01:22:59 PM »
May I suggest that the time to "cut them off" is exactly at the moment you attach the adjective "deadbeat" to them?

Just a thought...
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