Jokes Thread

"made love to"
Who uses that term anymore?
Fucking, screwing, had sex with...
...but "made love to" seems sooo...antiquated.

 

Practical Joke Division:

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=348820361835617

 

Teacher of the "English as a second language" class tells her new student to construct sentences with his spelling words:

1.*cheese*
Maria likes me, but cheese fat, bro.

2*mushroom*
When all my family gets in the car, there isn't mushroom.

3*shoulder*
My friend didn't no how to make tacos, so I shoulder.

4*Texas*
My friend always Texas me forwards.

5*herpes*
Me and my friend shared a pizza; I got my piece and she got herpes.

6*july*
Ju told me ju were goin to the store, and july to me!!julyer!!

7*rectum*
I had two cars but my wife rectum.

8*chicken*
I was going to the store with my wife but chicken go by herself.

9*wheelchair*
We only have one soda but its OK, wheelchair.

10*chicken wing*
My mom plays the lottery so chicken wing.

11*liver*
A bully was messing wit my sister and I told him to liver alone.

12*body wash*
I wanted to go to the bar but no body wash my kids, mang.

13*budweiser*
Yo that woman over there has a banging body, Budweiser her face so fugly?

 

This is what your fart looks like on an infrared security camera.

LOL.

 

This can be tailored to insult the school of your choice:

A student went to Alabama on a football scholarship. He was a great running back, but a poor student.

At graduation, he didn't have enough credits. But he was a great football star and the students held a rally and demanded the dean give him a diploma anyway. They were so insistent that the dean agreed if Bubba could answer one question correctly he would give him a diploma.

The one question test was held in the auditorium and all the students packed the place. It was standing room only.

The dean was on the stage and told him to come up. The dean had the diploma in his hand and said, "sir, if you can answer this question correctly I'll give you your diploma." He said he was ready and the dean asked him the question. "Sir," he said, "How much is three times seven?"

He looked up at the ceiling and the down at his shoes, just pondering the question. The Alabama students began chanting, "Graduate him anyway! Graduate him anyway!"

Then he held up his hand and the auditorium became silent. he said, "I think I know the answer. Three times seven is twenty-one."

A hush fell over the auditorium and the Alabama students began another chant. "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"

 

Practical Jokes Division: This is so wrong.

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=780113848720742

 

Gussy this one up to use on a friend by just replacing the kid's name at the end (helps if you can pull off a brogue, but it isn't necessary):

A priest who tended a church in a small town just outside of Dublin was fed up. For weeks now, ghost stories circulated through his congregation faster than any gossip. He felt it time to address the ghost story once and for all and put to rest this nonsense.

That Sunday, as he was wrapping up his sermon, he paused before the closing prayer to address the story.

"For weeks now, as many of you I'm sure are aware, there has been claims that a ghost is haunting this town at night. I want to assure you, there are no such things as ghosts. Our Heavenly Father would not allow such a thing to continue," the priest said.

"And before I release you, I want to know one thing," he continued, "just how many of you have encountered the ghost?"

Nearly the entire congregation's hands shot into the air. The priest was taken aback.

"My heavens! That many? Of you who raised your hands, how many have heard the ghost?"

All stayed raised.

"I see. My, my. Well how many have seen this ghost?"

A few hands fell, but a good three-quarters of the people still had their hands raised.

"OK, how many have spoken to this ghost?"

More hands fell, but a few remained.

"God bless ya! How many have touched this ghost?"

Only a half dozen still were in the air. Now the priest was worried. This might be a demon out to lure his flock away with carnal temptations.

"Please, please don't be shocked by this, but I must know. ... Have any of you had sex with this ghost?"

One hand remained in the air. One timid hand in the back. The priest strained his eyes. It was young Michael. The priest beckoned him forward. When the shy Michael approached, shaking from head to toe, the priest hunched down to meet him face to face.

"My son. You have heard the ghost. You have seen the ghost, even touched it. And, God bless you, you've even had sex with the ghost? My son, what do you have to say for yourself?"

Michael swallowed hard and managed to peep out, "I'm sorry, Father, I thought you said goat!"

 

A truck loaded with Viagra was stolen today in Oklahoma.

Police are searching for a band of hardened criminals.

 

Another "school of your choice" joke:

Three guys -- an Alabama grad, an Auburn grad, and an LSU grad -- are taking a piss in the men's room. The Alabama grad finishes up, goes to the sink and washes his hands. He smugly states, "At Alabama, they taught us that washing hands eliminates germs, and you should do it for safety."

The Auburn grad strolls to the sink next, washes up, and looks with disdain at the Bama guy.
"At Auburn, we learned that cleanliness is next to godliness, and a gentleman always washes his hands."

The LSU grad is the last to finish, and he heads straight for the door. Just before pulling it open, he stops.
"You know what they taught me at LSU?" he said. "Not to piss on our hands."

 

A sad, lonely Scotsman walks into a bar and sits down. Orders a whiskey and sits a long while before speaking.

"My name is Angus MacGregor," he says, in a thick Scottish accent. "I've lived in this village my whole life. Worked as a shoemaker for 30 years! I made good, sturdy shoes for all the people of the village. They all thanked me and came to my shop. My name is MacGregor."

He finishes his whiskey, orders another, and speaks again.

"My name is MacGregor," he said. "I've been a good family man. My sons and daughters have grown up to be good people. Businessmen, wives, mothers, farmers who supply the village with its food. Eight wonderful children I've had. My name is MacGregor. I'm a family man."

He sips on his whiskey some more and continues, a little drunkenly, "My name is MacGregor! I've been a good citizen! Fifty years walkin' the Earth and I've never once been arrested! My name is MacGregor."

MacGregor takes one more long slug of his whiskey and slams the glass to the bar in frustration as the bartender turns a furious eye toward him. Before he can speak, MacGregor cuts him off.

"BUT YE FUCK ONE GOAT ....!"

 

If you put out one fire, does that make you a fireman? But you suck one cock...

 

A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."

"Yeah that's the one"