The Best Quotes You Couldn't Use

[OneMoreRead]

My apologies if somebody has already done this thread.

Anyway...

There's a local HS football coach who hasn't won a game in ages. So, I'm talking with another coach about him. Among other things, the coach tells me, "Jeez, have you seen the man's wife? How can you think about coaching football when you've got that to go home to. The hell with football. I'd have two jobs: teaching history and nailin' my wfie."

At this point, he's laughing at his own words and follows up with, "Maybe I'd teach the history of nailin' my wife!"


I wish I could use them.

What are some of yours?

[Inky_Wretch]

One of my co-workers was once talking to a coach about the opening of a new football stadium.

"So, are you going to do anything special like break a bottle of champagne on the stadium?"

"Hell, son, around here we'd have to break a bong on it because nobody drinks champagne but a lot of them smoke dope."

[tyler durden 71351]

A buddy of mine who posts on here from time to time has the best one....I'll let him put it up. Here's the second best one -- from the same high school coach.
This guy had a great quarterback and all-around athlete, but the kid was pretty dumb (rumor was he scored a 9 on the ACT first time he took it). Even though he was as dumb as a post, a couple of SEC schools were recruiting him. Guy asks the coach about Johnny Football's visit to one SEC school. "Yeah, he went up there last weekend and they got his mind all mixed up about going there. Course it doesn't take much to get his mind mixed up."

[Ace]

My apologies if somebody has already done this thread.

Anyway...

There's a local HS football coach who hasn't won a game in ages. So, I'm talking with another coach about him. Among other things, the coach tells me, "Jeez, have you seen the man's wife? How can you think about coaching football when you've got that to go home to. The hell with football. I'd have two jobs: teaching history and nailin' my wfie."

At this point, he's laughing at his own words and follows up with, "Maybe I'd teach the history of nailin' my wife!"


I wish I could use them.

What are some of yours?

To be precise, you not only could use those quotes, you just did.

[outofplace]

Offensive lineman from a local school gets recruited to play at a Division I-A program, to pretty much everybody's surprise. One of my co-workers asks him how the kid is doing there that September.

"Him? He quit already."

"So, where is he now?"

"Fucking K-Mart"

That coach was a crotchety, moody, old-school pain in the ass and he was once so rude to me after a loss that his wife approached me and apologized, but I still like the guy for that conversation alone.

[vandelayindustries]

Softball coach of one of the state's best 1A programs. They're moving toward first fastpitch state title after winning several in slowpitch.
Talking about other team laughing after the loss a few minutes before:
"That's what makes our kids so special. These girls really care about the game. They come out here every day and work hard and play with the passion of a champion.
"Look at those girls, running off the field giggling and playing grab-ass. You'll never see our girls doing that. If we lose, they'll be crying so hard that we'll have to drag them off the field."

Great, coach, but grab-ass?

[OnTheRiver]

High-school center dunks in front of an official during warm-ups, which is an automatic technical foul in Indiana.

Coach: "Well, we're down 2-0 already, and they get the ball first."

Asst. coach: "Why?"

Coach: "Because Johnson's a fucking idiot."

[Canyonero!]

An area high school basketball coach, my first week on the job. His team loses by 2 when it had lead by 6 with a minute to go.

Me: "Coach, what was the difference down the stretch that allowed School X to come back?"
Coach: "They have good players. I don't."

[Old Crank]

Hub Kittle was an old-time, crusty baseball guy with a great sense of humour. When he was managing in a rookie league, his relief pitchers got shelled and gave up a huge lead. A co-worker went up to Kittle and said, "Gee, I guess your relievers were not very effective."
Kittle: "They were as effective as a dry c*nt."

[Ace]

An area high school basketball coach, my first week on the job. His team loses by 2 when it had lead by 6 with a minute to go.

Me: "Coach, what was the difference down the stretch that allowed School X to come back?"
Coach: "They have good players. I don't."

You should have used that.

[Bill Horton]

Not my quote, but a quote often passed around the newsoom of the Columbia Daily Tribune back in the day, say, oh, about 1982 or 83.
After yet another demoralizing Missouri loss, former Tribune beat writer/sports editor Jeff Krupsaw asked defensive tackle Daryl Darling about his reaction to the game, to which Darling responded, with genuine frustration, "Damn! I feel like an asshole!"
Perfect quote to describe the downfall of Mizzou football, but they weren't allowed to run it.

[friend of the friendless]

Sirs, Madames,

Please don't think of this as approval. It's not. But if you want an idea of racism in hockey, I asked a scout (at work for the Canadian program, not a NHL team) what he thought of a bad game.

"Like two niggers fishing," he said.

I'd have never got it in the paper without it on tape. Fucker.

YHS, etc

[TigerTown]

Not my quote, but a quote often passed around the newsoom of the Columbia Daily Tribune back in the day, say, oh, about 1982 or 83.
After yet another demoralizing Missouri loss, former Tribune beat writer/sports editor Jeff Krupsaw asked defensive tackle Daryl Darling about his reaction to the game, to which Darling responded, with genuine frustration, "Damn! I feel like an asshole!"
Perfect quote to describe the downfall of Mizzou football, but they weren't allowed to run it.

Of a similar vein, there's a great quote posted on the wall of the sports department at the Michigan Daily, the student newspaper at the University of Michigan.

When Michigan won its now-vacated NIT championship in 1997, writers from the paper followed the team to New York. While sightseeing, the writers ran into a few players from the team on the street, including Brandon Hughes, former coach Steve Fishers' failed one-year experiment with recruiting a JUCO player.

Said Hughes to the young scribes: "Y'all be writing some fucked up shit!"

[Bill Horton]

My own personal Mizzou quote comes from former basketball standout Lee Coward.
As I interviewed Coward the day before an NCAA Tournament game, Norm Stewart kept pacing and pacing and then finally yelled, 'Lee, Lee, get on the bus!"
Lee, however, kept right on talking.
Finally, I interrupted Lee and said, "what about Norm?"
Lee's response: "Fuck Norm!"
I felt the same way many times.

[Ensign Pulver]

A major league pitching coach, during one of the more exquisitely intense divisional races ever:

"It's like an orgasm that goes on for so long it starts to hurt."

[DavidPoole]

  Similar to one posted earlier, and not mine. Mike Purkey told me this story. He was covering a PGA event one year in Charlotte and the idea was to talk to a pro after shooting a horrible round, like not breaking 80. How does it feel for a guy who's used to shooting in the 60s to not be able to break 80 like a weekend hacker. So he goes up to a guy in the locker room after the guy hung up an 81 or something and explained the premise. The golfer looked up and said, "F--k golf." End of interview

[lono]

One of my co-workers gets on an elevator with a well-known NASCAR driver and a big blonde obviously not his wife.

Reporter: "Hey man, what are doin' tonight?"

Driver, looking towards blonde: "Getting my dick sucked."

The blonde giggled.

[BarbersGmen]

The one I have isn't nearly as funny as the ones before, but just so mean. A local hs softball coach after I asked him about his best player's power hitting. Keep in mind she happens to be about 50 pounds overweight, but just the sweetest and hardest working girl on the team.

"She's got a ton of doubles, but if she wasn't so fat she'd have a helluva lot more home runs."

[gauchoguy16]

I was asking a coach a question for HS football preview box and asked why Johnny Linebacker wasn't playing on Friday.

Coach: "Ah, he's suspended. He punched a girl in the face."

Me: (Stammering) "uh, he did? ...."

Coach: "She deserved it, though."

[RedHotChiliPrepper]

That's scary awful, and amazingly funny all in the same.

Had a coach of an American Legion baseball team which gets its players from four small school districts talk about kids from East Bubmlefuck High.

"They're all pussies. And if there was a pussyland, Joe Blow would be the king. Each and every one of them suffers from pussydom and they just don't give a fuck."

[soccer dad]

one of our reporters was covering the grey cup a few years ago when the league governors were arguing over whether or not they should offer the commissioners job to one particular candidate.

a meeting broke up, with the bog chairman dodging reporters because -- as it turned out -- he was going to offer this guy the job. another governor comes out and the five reporters still there stop him to ask him what's going on.

now, my guy is the only tv person, and ive seen the tape. understand, this conversation is on tape.

our reporter: "so what happens now?"

governor (who shall remain nameless): "what happens now? im going up to my room to take a shit."

then, he walks into the elevator. we didnt use the clip.

[greenie]

A football coach after his team was blown out:

"Sometimes fuck-it sets in and there ain't shit you can do about it."

[Jim Halpert]

These really don't compare to most of the stuff already posted, but they were both from earlier tonight, and both ran in the story. From a Little League Junior district title game

On the performance of the winning pitcher:
"I always feel good behind Bobby..."

From the shortstop, who walked three times:
"I was up there looking for balls, and there were balls there..."

I'm pretty sure I worded the second one incorrectly, but you get the idea.

[PopeDirkBenedict]

At a high school football playoff game, the crusty, been-around-forever coach is absolutely berating the officials about where they spotted the ball. Just chewing their asses and spitting it out. Just as he gets done and the officials walk away, our photog starts walking back down the sideline in preparation for the punt. The coach looks at the photog, winks at him and says, "Hell, I just made all that up."

[DisembodiedOwlHead]

1. SEC basketball coach, drinking what smells like very cheap beer out of an emptied-out Sprite can after a game, standing on-court, about one of his players who was a do-gooder in the community, "He's a fucking saint."

2. HS baseball coach, team expected to do well but underperforming, commits about 5 errors in a game (3 at one particular position). I just wanted to get a couple quotes and get out of there, so I asked sort of generically, "So coach, what's been the big problem for you guys here early in the year?" Coach responds, "Have you seen how shitty my second baseman is?"